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Wrist Pain, Depression, and Lost Spark
7 years ago
General
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅ 
It's taken me a long time to write this. This journal isn't going to be a very happy one. Just forewarning anyone who chooses to read this.
Comments will be disabled. I just needed to get this out there. I am ok.
Lately I've been dealing with a lot of things. The physical things have been easier to deal with, but until I had the willpower to get up and actually take care of myself, they took their toll on me. Monetarily I feel stuck. Like there's no upside to anything and no matter what, I'm just going to be stuck in this hole. The emotional side of things is still something I'm trying to figure out. And from the combination of it all, it's led to me losing interest in drawing or anything even remotely close to it. I feel it's time for me to open up and not keep things hidden away and pretend everything is perfect. As much as I try to keep this account professional and not about my personal life, I think these things should be out in the open.
I'll start with the physical issues I've been having.
About two or three months ago, I started having awful wrist pains in my dominant hand. It felt like a spike was being driven through the base of my palm. A few times I was almost in tears just from the pain and fear of losing my ability to do what makes me happy. I understand having surgery on my wrist doesn't mean I can't ever use my hand or wrist again, but at the time, it's all I could think about. And it terrified me. The idea of having surgery on anything scares me. I stopped using my right hand as much as I could, even bought a wrap for it to help with the pressure I was feeling. Simple activities like driving or even using silverware became hard to bare. My wrist would always ache afterward and sharp pains would echo through my tendons. Eventually, my ring and pinky fingers started to go numb at random times through the day or night. I finally set up an appointment with an orthopedic doctor to get everything checked out. Turns out, I have the start of both carpal tunnel and ulnar tunnel. Luckily, it's so early on, I can take steps to prevent it from ever getting any worse. I was given a brace to wear nightly and instructed to continue to take it easy on my wrist, but don't stop using it entirely. On my own, I've been doing stretches to help release some of the tensions in my wrist, and it seems to help. I do still have days where it aches too much to do anything productive. But it's doing better than it was. Unfortunately, this means I am back to square one with building up how long I can sit for a time to draw. Currently, I'm at about 2 hours of working time.
On top of wrist pain, I've been having terrible back pains again. Last winter, I fell down the porch stairs at my old apartment while taking our dog out. Since then, my back has been popping and crackling right where my back hit the step. My family does have a history of back problems, so I'm not too surprised about this one. Just upset that it's happening so soon. It's only been lately that it's come to a point where even having Alpha lightly press on the spot sends me screaming and laying down is even uncomfortable. I haven't set anything up yet for this, but I will soon. I'm debating on going to someone here in town or going two hours away to see my uncle at his chiropractic office.
The last thing I've been dealing with is some gastrointestinal issue. We don't know what it is yet that's causing me pain. When it flares up, it feels like a gas bubble and quickly turns into sharp pains going through my chest directly under my sternum. My mother and grandmother think it could be my gallbladder acting up, because the pain I described to them was near identical to when they had theirs removed. I went to get an ultrasound and an MRI for it, but neither one found anything wrong with my gallbladder. They did however find a spot on my liver. I've since been recommended to a gastroenterologist for a second opinion and a possible biopsy, and will be seeing them in August.
Monetarily I feel like I have nowhere to go. Since moving back, my car has been parked in our driveway, just sitting there collecting dust. I cannot legally drive it because it hasn't been inspected since January of 2016. I tried taking it to get inspected about two weeks ago and was told it would not pass because it had a huge rust hole in the bottom of the floorboard. On top of that, it needs a new tire. Now, in Ohio, I never needed to worry about having my car inspected because it wasn't mandatory state law to have your car inspected. In West Virginia, however, it's mandatory and you can be ticketed for having an expired inspection sticker. So I'm in a position to where I can't afford to get my car fixed, and I have no way to get to a job in order to get the money to get it fixed. Honestly, I'd rather sell it and just get myself a motorcycle or something. But that isn't practical for me right now. Maybe I can trade it in or something. I don't know. I have to talk it over with family first before I make a decision on what to do with my car. In the mean time, the most I can do for money is commissions. And I don't know if I can even offer quality work yet. Sketches, sure. Maybe even a head shot or a bust or a simple reference sheet. But nothing like I used to yet.
From the awful amalgamation of all this, I've gone into a depressive spiral. I've spent so long feeling like nothing is ever going to get better. Normally, I'd say it's not an issue and I can just buy myself a new car and get a nice job at the hospital and dig myself out of this, but I have absolutely nothing left to my name. The money I would have had from my father dying that I was saving for my own future was stolen from me by my own mother. My entire life that I had planned out for myself is now nonexistent and I can do nothing about it. Well, I could, but out of the kindness of my heart, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and giving her a chance to redeem herself. So far she has kept her word. But I feel I can't trust anyone anymore. I've felt alone and hopeless for so long. I've gone to the doctor to get on antidepressants and even that seemed like wasted effort. I was ready to throw in the towel and accept the fact that I would be severely depressed for the rest of my life, nothing would ever help, and that's just how it was going to be. Thankfully we've found a medication that seems to be helping a little. I'm on the highest dose, but even that doesn't feel like enough most days. I've got notes in my inbox just sitting unopened that I just can't bring myself to read. Any time I look at the notifications, I get a surge of anxiety, partly because I haven't replied for so long, and partly because I don't feel I can give a proper response. It's nothing any of you have done. It's me. And I'm sorry. I don't mean to come off as rude or dismissive. I just panic and shut down.
Since being depressed for so long, I've felt like I've lost the spark to create. I've felt like I've fallen out of love with one of my only passions in life. And it hurts. The one thing that made me happy and was an escape for me turned into a chore and a burden. It wasn't fun anymore. I tried pushing myself through most of it, but everything I did felt forced and wrong. I took a long break from it, hoping maybe that would help me remember why I liked it so much when I finally came back to it. Unfortunately, It always felt the same. Forced and draining. I put it down again for a while. I went through some of my old papers and drawings from high school and I saw how much I enjoyed just doodling in the margins, or filling a page with nonsense just because I could. And the spark slowly started to come back. I realized I had put myself in some imaginary confines of what I thought art "should be." That's what made it so unappealing for so long. I was setting rules for myself that didn't need to be set. I've since picked the pen back up and have given it another chance. Even just holding the pen in my hand felt foreign and unfamiliar. But I drew through it until it felt comfortable again. For the first time in a long time, I made something I was happy with. It wasn't perfect and it wasn't pretty, but I was happy and that was all that mattered.
I'm still not to 100% yet, but in time I will get there. I'm still struggling, but I'm trying my best to get through it.
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