I need to vent as I'm in the midst of various existential issues.

I had an old student come yesterday wanting to interview someone about Fermat's last theorem for some other class. I accepted as I have passing familiarity. It was a simple little thing. Afterward I decided to look up the proof of that. Of course I'd hardly expect to understand it all at a glance. I worked until I ran into the acronyms UFD and PID. Oh, I know what those stand for, and could write the definitions passably. I don't, however, have familiarity working with them enough to have their various properties at the ready.

And that's where I run into issues. I've noticed over the past few years  how my graduate level math education had focused on pure "here are the axioms, prove stuff from here." So I was taught group theory but I didn't learn the phrase "permutation groups" until after. I can recite the definition of a topological space but have no clue how to connect all of that to the surface stuff.

I didn't do a thesis for my masters. My school provided an option of passing a competency exam for the degree instead. They were the same competency exams they had to get into the PhD program. Which I had been trying to get into. I did well enough for the Masters but not the PhD program. After the fact now I had many mental health issues. While this is a whole different story I'll just describe it as my brain was 50% blaring static from about 4th grade through age 30. I was getting things straightened out around the time I was getting the Master's, but the damage had been done.

The best part of this is I can't get a college teaching job now. They expect experience with full responsibility, but since I was originally a PhD track I didn't get that as a T.A.

The job I have now is at the Math Assistance Area of a community college. The idea of my position is since adjunct faculty aren't required to keep office hours (and every college in the country is cutting back on tenured faculty for adjunct) we fill in that void. We provide short help for students who are stuck on their homework.

I like this job a lot, honestly. Working one on one with students helps me see how they learn things, what sticking points are, and so forth. I've also came to better understand a lot of the math material offered. Going back over the material repeatedly helps me make connections I missed before.

But the downside is the job is part time. It pays well per hour, but is less than 30 hrs. per week. Add to,that the ten weeks mandatory unpaid vacation a year it's fairly stressful. The thing is this is pretty much a job for ex high school and college instructors to make some extra money while providing their expertise. It's not meant to support someone permanently. Nor to provide a stepping stone to a more full time career.

My boss is ambitious in expanding the nature of our department. She had myself and a few other tutors sit in on physics courses to provide assistance there. We've had a lot of success. Last semester we had a demonstrable improvement of physics students who used our services over those that didn't.

So things are hopeful at least. But I'd like to do sort of the same thing at a place where I could cover more advanced material and get more sustaining employment. 

But yeah, that's my life story of the past few years. I don't expect you to do anything. I just needed an ear (or eye, as the case may be) of someone who might understand.