I promised this large personal update journal almost a week ago exactly, but a set of circumstances kept me busy. Better late than never?
This will be quite alot to chew through... For ease of reading, I will divide this into sections, so you can read what interests you.

This will be a long journal that discusses my recent history, financial status, and imminent depression. I want to talk about these things, but I'm afraid that trying to communicate these feelings to any one individual would limiting, as well as inappropriate. This way, I can speak endlessly, and nobody will be forced to listen, but it's here.

By writing a journal, I hope to meditate on the state of things and provide insight to those who are concerned or curious.

So, what happened to me? Where have I gone, and where am I going?

Financial Situation:
I'm going to be honest with you all. I am not in a good position, financially speaking -- so much so that there have indisputably been times that I have only been able to afford to eat properly by selling the plasma from my bloodsteam, via Biolife Plasma Services, twice a week. How did I get in this situation?

Put simply, my income has been cut drastically due to A) over-hiring, B) significant road reconstruction immediately outside my place of business, and C) a longtime roommate moving out after several years. First came the over-hiring of a nice lady named Cindy. Not a bad person by any means, but it very much feels like her presence is a redundancy, as she performs the same jobs as the rest of us, but in doing so is forcing the rest of the crew to divide up hours to accommodate her employment. To make matters worse, another employee named Zach who had been placed on a long hiatus has returned. Since his employment was never terminated, we have to fit him into our schedule as well.

To make matters worse, there is very significant road construction just outside my workplace that closes off -both- main entrances to the facility, meaning that the only way in is through the urban backstreets. Because of this, our regular business has suffered drastically. The corporation affords each individual franchise an amount of schedule-able hours based on that franchise's profit margins -- therefore, with the road construction set to last well over six months, we've been struggling to string out hours for each of us. My regular hours per week plummeted from 35 at least, to only 17 at best... Meaning, after taxes, I make barely half what I was prior.

And as the final nail in this coffin, one of my closest friends and I had a falling out over the past spring and summer, resulting in him moving out. We parted ways amicably, but being the bleeding heart that I am, I wanted to do everything I could to help, including single-handedly paying for his cross-country bus fare out of my own pocket. (I did this out of kindness so he could conserve what money he had for his own living comfort at his new home until he could find employment there.) Now that he's gone, there's one less person to pay an even split of the rent and bills -- meaning that difference has fallen squarely on my shoulders. And with the job situation I explained above... You can see how I've been struggling to even get by paycheck-to-paycheck, let alone have spending money for quality of life and personal hobby (like commissions.) My entire paychecks have been dissolving the moment they hit my bank account.

I'm doing my best, and managed to pick up another few dozen hours of work the past few weeks by playing substitute at other locations, but that is only a temporary and unreliable solution. As it stands, I am in debt that ballparks around $450 in bills and another $250 in credit card payments... With those few dozen extra work hours, I hope to have this paid off by the end of August, if I'm lucky...

To that end, I've gotten to the point where I've been considering selling my personal belongings, systems, and even my characters just to relieve my financial strain and emotional stress -- more on that next.

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Losing Friends Via Depression, Emotional Stress, Nihilism & Thoughts of Suicide:

Now for the hard part...

I've suffered from the effects of depression since my early teenage years, but it has never been so bad as to cause concern beyond your standard-issue anti-depressants. When I turned 17, my family wanted me to try to join the Air Force, as I had exemplary grades and very high scores in the SATs, ITBS, military ASVABs and etc. I was feeling pretty good about things then, so as a qualification of military service with the USAF I needed to be able to prove that I could live and function without anti-depressants, anti-anxieties, and anti--ADD medications. I was able to do it for quite some time, but following the death of my childhood friend Spc. Nichols to an IED while on deployment in Afghanistan, I took a step back and reconsidered the realities of service. While my best friend from high school, Geoff, continued on his path and joined the Army as an infantryman... Ultimately, I felt that I wasn't up to the task. Unfortunately, I was right, because the clinical depression and anxiety disorders resurfaced with a vengeance by the time I was 20, along with an inability to maintain consistent focus from residual effects of now-adult ADD.

Unfortunately, by the time the adult versions of my disorders had resurfaced, I was a full-fledged adult that was no longer covered by my parent's health insurance. I went several years without any anti-depressants or therapy, and I think its showed in the past few years... It wasn't until March of this year that I was finally able to get myself approved for state-funded health insurance, and got on a new prescription of Fluoxetine (aka Prozac).

Even with the Fluoxetine, it's been a rough couple of months since then. My depression is deeply rooted in my own severe feelings of worthlessness and uselessness, and even a step further, that my involvement in people's lives does more harm than good merely by my social failings. I feel like there is a complete and utter lack of purpose in my life -- a debilitating way to feel for any person, but completely crippling for my personality that once thrived on always being helpful.

These feelings translate directly into the poor handling of my relationships, be it with acquaintances, friends, or even loved ones. Like any person, I try to have friends. I try to find a community to belong to, and build a family to feel at home with. Unfortunately, my depression makes me feel that because I am so mundane, there is nothing that I can do that somebody else couldn't do better... And with a bigger smile than mine, no less. I can't draw, I can't create the worlds I wish I can see. I can't build cool things, or even make people laugh or feel comfort in the ways I wish I could bring. If I can't act in a helpful role, or provide a service, or fulfill a purpose... Then what am I even good for? And more pressingly... How long will it be until my "friends" get tired of my flaws, my depression, my lack of tact and my poignant opinions? How long will it be until the thought of me invokes only tiresome, bothersome feelings? How long until they forget all about the good sides of me and move on to some new friend, some new flame, some new lover? How long until they unceremoniously toss me out with the trash and rubbish?

As they have, time, and time, and time again...

I've tried to find companionship, and anchor myself with a loved one... But I can always see how it will end, and how I will drag them down... So I disconnect and set them free. They don't deserve to be weighed by an anchor like me. That's what the depression tells me, anyway! Even if its not true!

I feel so unworthy of the wonderful people around me that I sequester myself away, be it in my room or at my desk, and watch quietly from afar. I do my best to offer a smile to those who occasionally come back to greet me, but I never let on about how deeply I'm suffering on the inside. Even then, I'm sure there are a few who can feel it coming off of me. What's the point of these characters, for somebody with a dead-end future like mine? Why keep them around like old clothing... When I'm alone, the depressive thoughts whisper in the back of my head, slowly clawing at the foundations until they can burrow their way in... I try my best to do whatever I can to keep the thoughts at the very edges of my mind -- this means that if I'm not constantly distracting myself with a lonesome game, then I am asleep. At the peak of my depression spikes in the past few months, I have been sleeping or laying in bed as much as 14 hours a day. I waste so much time just trying to hold together.

About a month and a half ago, my depression was starting to come to a head. Or rather, come after -my- head. I started having very frequent thoughts of suicide. In particular, thoughts and imagery of whips, ropes, and the hangman's noose came to mind. It's innocuous, inexpensive... And totally silent. It could be days before I was found. Perfect, I thought; I could pay off my debts, save up my money, sell off my belongings and be able to leave my family enough money to afford my funeral without their own expense.

Somehow, thoughts like these were cathartic, like seeing myself suffer within my own mind's eye was justified, and even pleasing. Mind you, though these thoughts are quite explicit, I never actually felt compelled to fetch that rope... But suicide has taken the lives of people far greater than me. I confessed these thoughts to my doctor, and I was put on a brief suicide watch, with weekly appointments to monitor any developments. My fluoxetine prescription was doubled to combat this, and I started to see improvements again. I started feeling positive and talkative again, at times. I'm doing my best, and even if all I do for a day is survive, then that is good enough. I still can't bring myself to learn to draw, I feel the anxiety and depression criticizing me so loudly. But hey. I am alive. I have many years to learn...

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Where Do I Go From Here?

I'm moving forward, believe it or not. Slowly. Very slowly. One little baby step at a time. But even that is still progress.

I've been trying harder to push the nihilism out the door and greet you all with a smile--a REAL smile. Its not always easy, and oftentimes still spend too much time to myself, but I'm making progress. I feel like I"m slowly making meaningful friendships again, even if they're only temporary.

More than anything, I want to carve out the rot and salvage what I can. And from there, make myself into an even better person. I want more than anything to be able to love and accept myself and my imperfections. I want to feel like I'm always working towards a goal, towards progress big or small. I want to pay off my debts. I want to halt my depression. I want to smile. I want to be cute. Handsome, noble, strong. I want to do the right thing and finally get back to helping people in the ways I wish I could.

I want to find meaning in my life again. I want to trust again. I want to fall in love and rest without any doubts that they'd never drop me.

I want to rise from the ashes... I want to build a tower to touch the stars. I want this small, closeted world to feel giant and beautiful again.

I want to be happy.