Don't be too hard on yourself.
You can be sad just on the thought that you've lost your dad, you can be sad that things weren't better, you can be sad and let yourself be sad about many things.
You can also feel sad, angry, or indifferent about different things at the same time.

It sounds like things were complicated, and so are your emotions. Give yourself the chance to feel what you are experiencing. There is no right way to grieve a loss.
I think if you looked it up, you would find many people go through these things...and maybe a support group could help you settle yourself.

I hope you'll feel right again, soon.

I am sorry about your loss, and what that means to you.
Be kind to yourself. Let go of things you can't control. ♥

Wow, Honestly it feels so obvious but reading that really helped.
I think I'm treating it like I'm not allowed to be sad because we weren't close
toward the end. Thank you.

I think so too, and you can grieve any way it helps you, for you.
You are definitely allowed to feel sad!!!! it is more than just ONE simple thing that was lost here, a person, a future, some one you knew, some one who had some hope, a parent. Losing someone and how you grieve it is subjective, and no one knew your relationship, and the ins and outs, like you two. Your experience is your own, and so should this.
You gotta feel and forgive yourself and him, for whatever you can, and be gentle with yourself.

You're welcome, I am glad. ;w;

You're allowed to grieve for a terrible person. I'll do the same when my other parent passes. No matter the discontent grief still wells up inside.

Deal in the best, non-harming way you can. Anyone who says you're wrong can sod off.

Good luck.

Im just really bad at allowing myself to show or even have feelings.
I'm too stubborn to ever do anytype of self harm...I suppose repressing feelings can be self harm...
Damn, I guess you've had similar feelings on this then.

As a fellow feelings repressor that stuff can rip you up inside, but I get you. I hope you can find some sort of peace

I am so sorry to heal this. You are definitely allowed to grieve.

I think I'm too hard on myself sometimes. I'm trying to be honest with myself about my feelings, Thanks for the comment ;w;

Honestly it's a tough time emotionally because you're in a emotional and mental conflict and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do its a mix of grief and other emotions. I just wish i could offer some sort of words to provide a bit of comfort but I don't know due to my lack of experience honestly. I just hope you will start to feel better soon