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Roughest Few Weeks of My Life Continue
7 years ago
General
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8809961/ Continue from this journal
So, lets just say, the biggest issue I have with myself is the idea of Instant Gratification.
It doesn't matter what it is, but I lose interest in something real fucking quick if the rewards don't feel like they're coming quick enough.
I know that not everything is going to have an Instant Gratification. Things like art (you know that thing i am fucking trying to get better at). game making (because again, I would really like to do something I have wanted to do since I was a kid), all that stuff. But I don't expect to code and draw the next shovel knight (or hell, I'll take Mighty Number 9) by myself in a weekend project. I don't expect to draw on the level of the people who have gifted or commissioned me art, nor do I expect to create things for friends that are so insanely detailed people can't help but gasp and enjoy.
Well, I know all this. And hell, part of me wouldn't want to simply snap my fingers and have all that skill instantly. Part of me enjoys the process because then it makes the things I like more rewarding. I know instant gratification won't come here, and yet.... christ I would like to see some sort of improvement or like in my art.
Again, like last journal, a lot of this comes from self hate, i absolutely hate everything about me. It is what started this spiral into this dark pit.
There are a lot of catalysts for why it happened, but this is something that has ALWAYS existed. And this last week especially has it boiled over in firghtening ways.
Every day feels like its a slog to get through. Days I go to work end with me almost wanting to run away from the building in tears.
I don't know why, work allows me to doodle during the low points. I have pretty much freedom as my own department, My boss is extremely understanding.
But every day I don't feel like I do something is a day it feels wasted. And part of being a new department is that is not always going to happen. And my job is code, so I pick up little projects that help me, but I am still bad at it. Or... decent just not making efficient or nuence or crap like that.
Then comes art, and I have been doing lots of it, just not posting. Because... its a pain in the fucking ass. And then I regret myself for not posting it, but... ugh, no matter what it feels like I cannot win.
These last few days have also been really bad for my mental state. Honestly, partly because of the instant grat problem and... optimism.
Before I explain, I want to point out, I don't do drugs. My reasons are my reasons, and they're not good. But I don't usually do it. But on Wednesday, I took some. Partly to be self destructive, but... I don't know why...
All i know, was in doing so I had the BEST night of my life. The stresses that I had was just gone. The thoughts were not racing as fast, and were able to just relax. I drew stuff, I did so much....
It just felt really fucking good.
Unfortunately, I knew this was a swing in the other direction, but I felt... that this... was finally the start of better change.
Yeah... it wasn't.
Thursday I didn't have any more, but I still felt like I was still in control of my thoughts, I was able to think. Slower than usual but... it was enjoyable. I felt... okay. It was weird but I would try to understand and hope to achieve the state without need for any drugs, legal or otherwise.
But Friday, Anxiety came back and made up for the loss of a few days work. I really did leave the office in the panic and collapsed as soon as I got home. I had a friend visit at the same time, and as a result, he and my girlfriend pretty much spent the entire time watching me break down. It was... awful.... I don't even know where to begin about how bad everything felt and every thought was.
And the night got worse as it went on. I thought I was getting better after another hit, but all it did was internalize all the hatred and how much I REALLY hate myself. Everything trying to originally push other people away was changed to everything against.
I am trying to do what I can, but I am really fucking off today, as if my tweets were not enough. Its been rough as fuck these last few days, and I am not sure what the hell is instore.
I just want to state, real quick: I am sorry for what I have done and sorry for what may happen. Just, sorry.
So, lets just say, the biggest issue I have with myself is the idea of Instant Gratification.
It doesn't matter what it is, but I lose interest in something real fucking quick if the rewards don't feel like they're coming quick enough.
I know that not everything is going to have an Instant Gratification. Things like art (you know that thing i am fucking trying to get better at). game making (because again, I would really like to do something I have wanted to do since I was a kid), all that stuff. But I don't expect to code and draw the next shovel knight (or hell, I'll take Mighty Number 9) by myself in a weekend project. I don't expect to draw on the level of the people who have gifted or commissioned me art, nor do I expect to create things for friends that are so insanely detailed people can't help but gasp and enjoy.
Well, I know all this. And hell, part of me wouldn't want to simply snap my fingers and have all that skill instantly. Part of me enjoys the process because then it makes the things I like more rewarding. I know instant gratification won't come here, and yet.... christ I would like to see some sort of improvement or like in my art.
Again, like last journal, a lot of this comes from self hate, i absolutely hate everything about me. It is what started this spiral into this dark pit.
There are a lot of catalysts for why it happened, but this is something that has ALWAYS existed. And this last week especially has it boiled over in firghtening ways.
Every day feels like its a slog to get through. Days I go to work end with me almost wanting to run away from the building in tears.
I don't know why, work allows me to doodle during the low points. I have pretty much freedom as my own department, My boss is extremely understanding.
But every day I don't feel like I do something is a day it feels wasted. And part of being a new department is that is not always going to happen. And my job is code, so I pick up little projects that help me, but I am still bad at it. Or... decent just not making efficient or nuence or crap like that.
Then comes art, and I have been doing lots of it, just not posting. Because... its a pain in the fucking ass. And then I regret myself for not posting it, but... ugh, no matter what it feels like I cannot win.
These last few days have also been really bad for my mental state. Honestly, partly because of the instant grat problem and... optimism.
Before I explain, I want to point out, I don't do drugs. My reasons are my reasons, and they're not good. But I don't usually do it. But on Wednesday, I took some. Partly to be self destructive, but... I don't know why...
All i know, was in doing so I had the BEST night of my life. The stresses that I had was just gone. The thoughts were not racing as fast, and were able to just relax. I drew stuff, I did so much....
It just felt really fucking good.
Unfortunately, I knew this was a swing in the other direction, but I felt... that this... was finally the start of better change.
Yeah... it wasn't.
Thursday I didn't have any more, but I still felt like I was still in control of my thoughts, I was able to think. Slower than usual but... it was enjoyable. I felt... okay. It was weird but I would try to understand and hope to achieve the state without need for any drugs, legal or otherwise.
But Friday, Anxiety came back and made up for the loss of a few days work. I really did leave the office in the panic and collapsed as soon as I got home. I had a friend visit at the same time, and as a result, he and my girlfriend pretty much spent the entire time watching me break down. It was... awful.... I don't even know where to begin about how bad everything felt and every thought was.
And the night got worse as it went on. I thought I was getting better after another hit, but all it did was internalize all the hatred and how much I REALLY hate myself. Everything trying to originally push other people away was changed to everything against.
I am trying to do what I can, but I am really fucking off today, as if my tweets were not enough. Its been rough as fuck these last few days, and I am not sure what the hell is instore.
I just want to state, real quick: I am sorry for what I have done and sorry for what may happen. Just, sorry.
