I'm gonna talk about something I've yet to speak about. I feel the need to do this, since I've kept this to myself for a very long time. I'm not going to go into length or specific details, but summarize instead.

So, for the longest time, I struggled with really bad anxiety. It stemmed from what became an abusive relationship with my ex fiancee. I call the relationship abusive. Years of reflecting on this has changed my mindset on the situation.

Let's call him Mark, because even though we don't see eye to eye anymore, and frankly probably never will, I'm not the person I was 5 years ago, and I don't feel the need to out him. I already did my damage, and admittedly, it was a terrible thing to do. I was very spiteful about it. Now, keep in mind, I am not saying I was perfect by any means. I've grown as a person since then.

We met over Second Life, years ago. He was a chill dude back then. We hung out a lot, and towards the end of a previous relationship, he was there a lot for me. That was pretty cool.

Over time we fell for one another and ultimately I asked him out. He, of course, said yes. I was happy as a pig in shit.

We eventually got to meet, as this was a long distance relationship deal. Most of our time together was spent over Skype when he wasn't visiting. That first meeting, golden. I couldn't have been happier.

As time moved on, however, things started to not look so good. Moods were awful, and more often than not we would fight. I won't go into details, but there was nights where the fights got so bad, I would have these excruciating panic attacks, some of which would cause pain so severe that I would end up going to the hospital.

But, I loved him. I stayed there because of that. (And no, I didn't stay because I was afraid of being alone.)

Over the course of time, things grew worse. I'm pretty sure it came to the point where we couldn't stand each other. The fighting happened daily, there was always something one of us would yell at the other for, or make the other feel like shit for. He'd play on my emotions, I would always be on his case about things. We'd bicker over the dumbest shit and it eventually got to the point where the relationship became so unstable, I had to end it. We became toxic to one another.

That hurt, a lot. And I mean, I didn't show it at the time. I was very emotionless about the whole situation. But it kicked me after a few weeks. I felt like I wasn't right for anything or anyone. The damage from the whole ordeal was there, the anxiety was real. And it stayed, for a long time. I feel like that was karma slapping me in the face, because I went above and beyond to make his life as bad as I felt he made mine in the end.

You might read this or you might not, but you know who you are. It took me a long time to come to terms with who we were as people back then, and who we are now. I'm sure to this day and onwards, we'll never see eye to eye, and we'll hold resentment for each other. And that's okay. I truly hope your life has been better from the outcome, and you're striving to be the best person you can be.

But in my own anger back in the day, I went too far and probably hurt you way more than you hurt me. I was an absolutely terrible person. For that I truly apologize for all the terrible things I've done to you. It's long overdue and you deserve it.

I do miss the good times we had. I'm okay if you never forgive me for my part in things, but I forgive you. You were there through a big part of my life and you'll always hold a place in my heart, resentment or not. I'd be okay with being friends again at some point, even if it's just simple hellos.

I don't hate you anymore. It's too hard to hold that hatred.