I don't really understand what's going on with me at the moment. I feel as though my life isn't as great as it could be, despite being in a nice paid part-time job where everyone is nice to me and there's never been too much trouble with anything there and also have been pretty successful in University, having earned a 2nd Bachelors Degree in Games Design.

I tend to find that every day I also just have a lack of energy and sometimes don't even want to draw anything or play video games despite being bored out of my mind (which happens every day) and whenever I draw/play something I only do it for a few hours instead of the entire day, which I used to enjoy doing a few years ago.

In terms of work, I really don't understand it. I only work 16 hours (4 days a week) in an Admin job for the NHS (National Health Service) and everyone there is really nice to me and there isn't much manual labor or anything that could cause me too much stress yet somehow I feel worse here than I do at home. Now I've made a couple of mistakes at work recently which no-one was angry about but it seems that all of the jobs I've had in the past have made me have a consistant fear of making mistakes. (Bear in mind that my job before this was at Toys R Us where I was constantly berated/talked down to by people who were younger than me for making rookie mistakes and it was a f***ing nightmare that I don't even want to get into)

So since Toys R Us or I guess the job before that, I've had a constant fear of f***ing things up, even if it's a little thing. So whenever I make a mistake in this current job, be it I maybe forget to write down a name/number for someone after they've called for my colleague or forgotten which certain pieces of medical equipment belong to which member of my team, I just feel like bursting into tears, despite knowing that no-one's gonna really mind the mistake at all.

Also since I only work 4 hours a day, I find that all of my colleagues just want to give me constant jobs to do and I sometimes end up working overtime as a result. It seems that they all completely forget which shifts I work despite it being on our group calendar. I've also found that one colleague in particular, who I won't name, gives me jobs that I've never been taught how to do before or just asks me for help with Excel, despite me not knowing much about the program at all (I'm a Word person ultimately) and most of my colleagues just assume that I'm some kind of IT expert just because I know a thing or two about computers. Because of this I'm sometimes pressured into a task that I don't know how to perform and ultimately end up apologising and feeling guilty whenever I can't fix the issue.

I can't say that I've quite forgiven that particular colleague though since once before he jokingly blamed me for not being in work when something was delivered, which I laughed at at the time but honestly didn't find funny at all, despite it being a joke. Because he should have known that I only do four days a week and if I'm not in work on the day that something is deliver then tough, it's the rest of the team's problem not mine.

But anyway... recently I've been having issues with family too, though it's mainly just with my nephew, Killian.

The other day my mum left me with him for 20 minutes whilst she went out to pick up my bro and bring him back, yet it was the most stressful 20 minutes of my entire life. Now, I've always been pretty good with kids for most of my life, due to having 5 cousins at different ages... but for some reason during that day I felt the worse I ever have. I really didn't want to be with him because I know that he's REALLY clingy to my mum so he would just cry as soon as she left, which he did, much to my NON surprise.

Issue was that once he cried, I went into full panic mode and basically tried EVERYTHING to make him stop. I picked him up, thinking he would want a hug, I tried to put him down for a nap since he was rubbing his eyes, I tried checking his diaper (he's 13 months old by the way) and after all of this, he wouldn't stop so I just got angry and felt like exploding. I'm used to having kids cry around me, because of my cousins, but this time I just felt like screaming at the top of my lungs and smashing something.

So by this point, I was completely livid and just gave him some food, which pretty much made him to stop, to my relief. My mum came back and I was fine but he was eating this lollipop thing and I noticed that he wasn't able to eat it properly so I tried helping him out and he SCREAMED the loudest he's ever done and at this point, I just picked him up, gave him to my brother and said "he's your problem..." and went up to my room before bursting into tears.

This just isn't me... and what's worse is that the same thing happened before only it was with me and my dad and mum literally just came home and sat him on his knee and he IMMEDIATELY stopped crying.

Look, the thing is, I've ALWAYS wanted kids of my own, despite my family being somewhat clueless to this fact even though I've shown many signs of wanting one in the past, but recently I just feel as though I don't want one EVER because of these experiences I've gone through (I know that EVERY parent has gone through this, but still). My mum just says to me that the same thing always happens whenever she looks after a kid, the thing is... SHE'S HAD KIDS BEFORE SO IT ISN'T FAIR FOR HER TO SAY THAT TO ME.

And I admittedly am the type of person who likes to stay in her room a LOT just because I feel the safest here so sometimes when Killian's around, I don't tend to go down and see him, which I know may most likely be the issue since he doesn't know me as well as I would like him to.

But those 20 minutes in hell pretty much just gave me a solid reminder of why I can never have kids. Because if I can't even survive 20 minutes with my nephew without him crying then what kind of mother am I gonna be in the future? There's no point in me even considering having a child now despite how badly I wanted one in the past and considering that I have Polycystic Ovary Sydrome, the chances of me having one are pretty much slim to none anyway. Oh and I have an overactive bladder and IBS to add further insult to injury, so is it really much of a surprise that I have depression?

To add to these issues, I've always been pretty bad with the whole 'dating' thing and haven't had great boyfriends in the past. First one tried to touch me inappropriately and the second one was like a clingy child who claimed that he would commit suicide if I dumped him so I've been very unlucky in this area too and have even resulted to online dating since I'm a very socially awkward person and it's pretty much gonna be a long time before I travel anywhere or have a full-time job where I'll be more likely to meet someone. And one more thing, my mum always thinks that I'm overreacting whenever I tell her these issues that I've been having therefore she's no help to me whatsoever in terms of my depression.

I had anxiety in the past, like a year ago, and took classes to help get rid of it. I felt much better after it but now since starting to work again, it's just come back to bite me in the ass once again.

So yeah, this is pretty much my life right now... and for any of you who think that I've had suicidal thoughts, please don't worry, I don't plan on doing anything THAT drastic since I actually fear dying young more than anything.

I'm sorry for ranting on so much, I just wanted to get EVERYTHING off my chest :/