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(Vent Journal) Birthdays, Seasons, and Childhood Trauma
7 years ago
General
So as a few people might know, my birthday's coming up, towards the end of the month (the 28th). Having said that... I'm not looking forward to it in any capacity, honestly.
I've never particularly cared for summer - I don't do well with extreme temperatures either way, but particularly the heat. On top of that, it's just too bright - too bright, too hot, too many people bustling around for holidays and things like that. It's not my time of year at all.
It doesn't help that school would usually start in September when I was growing up, too - and I had - have - a lot of baggage around school. Harassment and ostracization from peers and teachers turning a blind eye to how I was falling apart (despite all those stances of "zero tolerance" for bullying), for instance, left me absolutely fucking dreading the end of the month for a good... five or six years? Something like that. Talk about a good influence on a 10-year-old, huh?
Even now, some eight or nine years since dropping out, it still haunts me. All the fucking back to school adverts and sale posters and everything... I hate it. I really, really hate it! I'm probably feeling more worked up about it this year, because 1) the weather's been way hotter than usual, but 2) more importantly, in meeting with my therapist over the past month or so, we ended up discussing a significant piece of emotional trauma relating to one of the teachers I had the year before I dropped out, and uncovering just how much of a lasting impact it had on my psyche.
I've had the idea of changing when I celebrate my birthday at the back of my mind for... probably at least five or six years now? This year, though, I'm very seriously considering it, because I just can't keep dealing with this. It's too much.
If you actually read through all of this, uh... Thanks. It means a lot to me.
I've never particularly cared for summer - I don't do well with extreme temperatures either way, but particularly the heat. On top of that, it's just too bright - too bright, too hot, too many people bustling around for holidays and things like that. It's not my time of year at all.
It doesn't help that school would usually start in September when I was growing up, too - and I had - have - a lot of baggage around school. Harassment and ostracization from peers and teachers turning a blind eye to how I was falling apart (despite all those stances of "zero tolerance" for bullying), for instance, left me absolutely fucking dreading the end of the month for a good... five or six years? Something like that. Talk about a good influence on a 10-year-old, huh?
Even now, some eight or nine years since dropping out, it still haunts me. All the fucking back to school adverts and sale posters and everything... I hate it. I really, really hate it! I'm probably feeling more worked up about it this year, because 1) the weather's been way hotter than usual, but 2) more importantly, in meeting with my therapist over the past month or so, we ended up discussing a significant piece of emotional trauma relating to one of the teachers I had the year before I dropped out, and uncovering just how much of a lasting impact it had on my psyche.
I've had the idea of changing when I celebrate my birthday at the back of my mind for... probably at least five or six years now? This year, though, I'm very seriously considering it, because I just can't keep dealing with this. It's too much.
If you actually read through all of this, uh... Thanks. It means a lot to me.
Hey, how about you note me when is your birthday and I'll prepare a little something to make you feel better? ^^
On a brighter note, let me know when you decide to celebrate your b-day and I'll try to cook something up for ya.
If I do decide to celebrate my birthday at another time of year, it'll probably be starting next year - it's a bit last-minute for that, heh. ^^;
You don't have to worry about doing anything for me, but my birthday's on the 28th, fwiw.
Try to say yourself that it's over now and you have never to deal with that again. Children are dumb and things change for all of us once we grow up, also for bullies and their victims. For example, the bully in a school can tomorrow work for his former victim by chance one day. What we are once we are adult and how we go our way through life, that should define us. I know it's easy said, I can't think about how you must feel, but I hope you can overcome that and go in a brighter future. Just keep it up and try to enjoy your birthday, maybe make yourself a nice gift too. Positivity has to start somewhere after all.