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An important Journal to me...
7 years ago
Please take a moment to read this. Especially if you're an artist drawing for me
I hate to pull one of these touchy feely woe-is-me dramatic journals that so many people seem to do for attention and what not, but I could seriously use some outside input/words of advice/empowerment here.
I'm headed straight into an emotional disaster, the likes of which, I've just not experienced enough similar psychological trauma in my lifetime, to handle.
As many of you know by now, my mom passed away on July 5th of last year. It was a harrowing, otherworldly experience that I don't think I'll ever be able to truly overcome. At the time, I'd 'just' been over to visit(10 days after I came back home was when she died), and as such, the full brunt of the realization, was something I was spared from, both cause it happened while she was asleep, and right after we'd been over to visit, and because I didn't have to face my mother's corpse that morning my dad walked in.
Well, my pampered denial from the reality that is my mother's passing is about to reach its end. In about a month, there are plans of going back to my home country for a visit, and it'll be the first time I'm going back since her death; to visit her grave.
That alone is not a huge concern of mine. But my dad and his new girlfriend is. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blind to my dad's crushing loneliness, but he seems utterly blind to the fact that I have 'not' even remotely moved on from my mother's passing. It had only been 8 months since her death before he met a woman, had her move in, and pretty much made her his 'replacement wife'. It's a rebound as all hell, and if I try to say anything negative about it whatsoever he gets defensive and pissed off. I have tried being understanding, and he will go on and on about how much it all means to him etc. and if I have the 'audacity' to ask we please not talk about it, or show disdain/discomfort on the subject, he gets equally defensive/pissed off.
He talks about nothing else. I havn't heard him speak of my mother in months, and if I try, he gets quiet, like he's almost borderline guilty about what he's doing.
Either way, I simply have no idea how I'm going to cope with this shit when I land in Denmark and I'm tossed head-first into social interaction with this new girlfriend of his, plus her own family/friends whom I plainly have no interest in learning the existence of. I'm a complete introvert; I live in the countryside, away from other people. I'm a personal isolationist, and function perfectly fine with nothing but my 2 or 3 closest friends(including online) and my immediate family(dad, wife, child, mother in law/father). There is not a single ounce of interest in as much as meeting her, let alone her friend/family circle. I'm coming over exclusively to visit my dad and to see my mom's grave. His girlfriend does not have a single seat in my care list, I don't care if she's the kindest soul on the planet. To me, she's an intruder in my life, a life that has suffered a tremendous, world-crumbling blow just over a year ago, that I'm still reeling around like a hurricane of on/off depression over. The fact that my dad not only expects, but demand I meet this woman while I'm there, feels incredibly heartless, and inconsiderate of my feelings.
Now, had this been taken in stages? As in this upcoming trip, I go to see my mother's grave, visit my dad, and then the trip AFTER that, I meet her and her friends/family? That, I could see myself doing, but doing BOTH at once, in the span of 2 weeks, while I'm still an emotional, angry, hurt and socially nervous mess? The way my dad hopes, wants, demands this will go, is just not gonna happen.
I'm reeling with a mixture of sadness, sense of loss, furious white-hot anger, and an icing of pungent, putrid icing of guilt on top. I'm not ready for this kind of trauma. I can't take this. I can't take this.
I'm headed straight into an emotional disaster, the likes of which, I've just not experienced enough similar psychological trauma in my lifetime, to handle.
As many of you know by now, my mom passed away on July 5th of last year. It was a harrowing, otherworldly experience that I don't think I'll ever be able to truly overcome. At the time, I'd 'just' been over to visit(10 days after I came back home was when she died), and as such, the full brunt of the realization, was something I was spared from, both cause it happened while she was asleep, and right after we'd been over to visit, and because I didn't have to face my mother's corpse that morning my dad walked in.
Well, my pampered denial from the reality that is my mother's passing is about to reach its end. In about a month, there are plans of going back to my home country for a visit, and it'll be the first time I'm going back since her death; to visit her grave.
That alone is not a huge concern of mine. But my dad and his new girlfriend is. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blind to my dad's crushing loneliness, but he seems utterly blind to the fact that I have 'not' even remotely moved on from my mother's passing. It had only been 8 months since her death before he met a woman, had her move in, and pretty much made her his 'replacement wife'. It's a rebound as all hell, and if I try to say anything negative about it whatsoever he gets defensive and pissed off. I have tried being understanding, and he will go on and on about how much it all means to him etc. and if I have the 'audacity' to ask we please not talk about it, or show disdain/discomfort on the subject, he gets equally defensive/pissed off.
He talks about nothing else. I havn't heard him speak of my mother in months, and if I try, he gets quiet, like he's almost borderline guilty about what he's doing.
Either way, I simply have no idea how I'm going to cope with this shit when I land in Denmark and I'm tossed head-first into social interaction with this new girlfriend of his, plus her own family/friends whom I plainly have no interest in learning the existence of. I'm a complete introvert; I live in the countryside, away from other people. I'm a personal isolationist, and function perfectly fine with nothing but my 2 or 3 closest friends(including online) and my immediate family(dad, wife, child, mother in law/father). There is not a single ounce of interest in as much as meeting her, let alone her friend/family circle. I'm coming over exclusively to visit my dad and to see my mom's grave. His girlfriend does not have a single seat in my care list, I don't care if she's the kindest soul on the planet. To me, she's an intruder in my life, a life that has suffered a tremendous, world-crumbling blow just over a year ago, that I'm still reeling around like a hurricane of on/off depression over. The fact that my dad not only expects, but demand I meet this woman while I'm there, feels incredibly heartless, and inconsiderate of my feelings.
Now, had this been taken in stages? As in this upcoming trip, I go to see my mother's grave, visit my dad, and then the trip AFTER that, I meet her and her friends/family? That, I could see myself doing, but doing BOTH at once, in the span of 2 weeks, while I'm still an emotional, angry, hurt and socially nervous mess? The way my dad hopes, wants, demands this will go, is just not gonna happen.
I'm reeling with a mixture of sadness, sense of loss, furious white-hot anger, and an icing of pungent, putrid icing of guilt on top. I'm not ready for this kind of trauma. I can't take this. I can't take this.
That said, I agree. You lost your mother. She loved you, so understandably it's like having a very piece of you torn out of you.
I can't relate to your level of pain, but with my own mental health issues, alcoholism, trying to control my psychosis and emotional dysregulation, rebuild my empathy, can I find company with you on not being able to handle what life's throwing at me as well?
I can't fucking take this pain anymore either. I want to drink myself to death and start smoking meth again and shoot myself up the ass with fentanyl.
Celexa's taking unbearably long to start kicking in, and I forgot to take it today and relapsed into alcoholism.
Fuck this cruel-ass world.
I don't begrudge him for 'finding' someone to fill the void. Not at all.
What I begrudge him for is 'demanding' I fill 'my' void with her too, whether I want to or not.
It's not that he is dating her that angers me, it's that he's shoving it down my throat and demanding I not only respect it, but engage in it. I have no interest in her, yet he demands I meet her. I don't want to meet her, but he demands I do meet her, regardless of what I want, he's saying this is something I have to do, while I tell him it's not. It's been an argument for ages now.
I have lost close family members before, such as great grandparents and such but never a parent.
Every time I even think or imagine a world without my mother, I end up crying my eyes out yet she is as healthy as can be right now..
But..What you can do, is like what emsfan94 has said, tell him you are happy that he can find a way to feel happy again but also try to get him to understand that you haven't had any closure from your mother passing and let him know that you simply cannot handle a meeting with her at this moment. Make it clear that you need time to grieve and gain closure from your mother's passing.
I wish you the best of luck
I can only respond one way when someone says, "I can't take this."
I look them in the eye, hold their hand, and say softly, "Yes, you can."
And you will. This is life. It might be cruel and unfair sometimes, or often, but it's how it is.
Just because I can suffer it doesn't mean it's goddamn worthwhile.
I'm done struggling. I give up. Life isn't worth this amount of cruelty and unfairness, and it's definitely not worth it after I've completely lost my compassion for other human beings, including my own friends and family.
I'm pretty much just a sociopath now.