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Being honest with how I've been
7 years ago
General
Hello it's been a while since I've made a journal.
This is what I've been up to in the past few months. In May I got my teaching credential to teach Art at the high school level. I also got a job teaching at a local high school, which happens to be inner-city. As soon as I accepted the the position I felt a sense of dread. I know all the art teachers there, and they looked forward for me joining the team. As it got closer to the beginning of the school year I just got more and more nervous, depressed, but I pushed those feelings aside. I know I have anxiety and severe depression and I'm on medications for it. I knew I wasn't feeling well for quite some time, but it wasn't enough for me to think "hey, I need to do something about this". I've been told it's normal for teachers to cry, I've heard the jokes about teachers drinking a lot, about how half of new teachers quit within the first 5 years. I thought what I was going through and what I was feeling was normal for a new teacher! I did my best to be strong and keep a stiff upper lip.
When it came time to start, I had an emotional break down and ended up being hospitalized for 72 hours. Honestly, I didn't think I was going to react the way I did. I truly felt I was okay, that my fears weren't that bad! I was released, my family took me home, and I met with the admin of the school to try again. I made it through 2 days with extreme anxiety and exhaustion. The third day the students were overwhelming me, I couldn't control the classroom, and I broke down again. I realized last week I could not teach, not yet.
I still have my personal issues to work through before I am strong and healthy enough to teach in a traditional high school classroom. It's not fair to myself, being tired all the time, working 50-60 hours a week just trying to make it through each day without crying. It's not fair to the students who need a reliable teacher, students who want to learn about art and who need someone who can do the best for them. It's not fair to my co-workers who go out of their way to help me succeed. I resigned and am working on helping myself.
I am very sad I am unable to do what I trained to do right now. A whole new career and I've given it up. For now. Right now I am researching jobs and hopefully careers I am able to do, that isn't too much for me to handle. I am a sensitive person, stronger than I once was, but still needing less human interaction and conflict than usual. I will look into alternative teaching situations such as teaching those with special needs, summer and after school programs, anything that combines my love of art with sharing that love with others.
Right now I am back to taking commissions and odd jobs as I find out what I want to do and who I want to be.
This is what I've been up to in the past few months. In May I got my teaching credential to teach Art at the high school level. I also got a job teaching at a local high school, which happens to be inner-city. As soon as I accepted the the position I felt a sense of dread. I know all the art teachers there, and they looked forward for me joining the team. As it got closer to the beginning of the school year I just got more and more nervous, depressed, but I pushed those feelings aside. I know I have anxiety and severe depression and I'm on medications for it. I knew I wasn't feeling well for quite some time, but it wasn't enough for me to think "hey, I need to do something about this". I've been told it's normal for teachers to cry, I've heard the jokes about teachers drinking a lot, about how half of new teachers quit within the first 5 years. I thought what I was going through and what I was feeling was normal for a new teacher! I did my best to be strong and keep a stiff upper lip.
When it came time to start, I had an emotional break down and ended up being hospitalized for 72 hours. Honestly, I didn't think I was going to react the way I did. I truly felt I was okay, that my fears weren't that bad! I was released, my family took me home, and I met with the admin of the school to try again. I made it through 2 days with extreme anxiety and exhaustion. The third day the students were overwhelming me, I couldn't control the classroom, and I broke down again. I realized last week I could not teach, not yet.
I still have my personal issues to work through before I am strong and healthy enough to teach in a traditional high school classroom. It's not fair to myself, being tired all the time, working 50-60 hours a week just trying to make it through each day without crying. It's not fair to the students who need a reliable teacher, students who want to learn about art and who need someone who can do the best for them. It's not fair to my co-workers who go out of their way to help me succeed. I resigned and am working on helping myself.
I am very sad I am unable to do what I trained to do right now. A whole new career and I've given it up. For now. Right now I am researching jobs and hopefully careers I am able to do, that isn't too much for me to handle. I am a sensitive person, stronger than I once was, but still needing less human interaction and conflict than usual. I will look into alternative teaching situations such as teaching those with special needs, summer and after school programs, anything that combines my love of art with sharing that love with others.
Right now I am back to taking commissions and odd jobs as I find out what I want to do and who I want to be.
Sounds like you have a plan though and just need to work through it. I wouldn't say you are throwing away a career, more re-stratagising your approach to one that works for you.