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Being Alone. (A Vent Journal at 3am)
7 years ago
Being alone is....something that I have never had to truly face until I had made it my decision to be alone. So I can grow as a person.
I think as being a woman it is admittedly easier to find a partner, significantly I would say. For me, that’s meant I haven’t been “alone” (More on what alone means to me in a moment) since....the second grade? with a guy named Danny. (Maybe you remember him as the childhood friend that I lost last year to mental illness.) And when you wouldnt consider that very serious relationship, I jumped immediately into a relationship in 5th grade by “dumping” Danny to go out with a boy named Collon. (I actually dont remember how his name is spelt.) Looking back on it, he was the most insignificant relationship I was in terms of closeness. I dated him because he was funny and weird, just enough that he didnt have to feel embarassed by how weird I was. (I was an....odd child to say the least.) And when I was dating Collon, I was also going through many life problems. Bullying, parents fighting and cheating on each other, throwing me in the middle, finding out about my biological father and being used against my dad, my mom driving me away from home late hours of the night to leave me in the car while she cheated on my dad, honestly....the list goes on. I started becoming more isolated from my family, and at some point I became an angsty emo lil shit who believed the world was against her. I met Sam online, the guy I broke up with last year. We fed off of each others negativity, though it didnt appear that way at first. The relationship lasted for 8 years and during that time I rejected having other relationships (though I at one point had a “fake” relationship with my friend James to satiate my mom.) and most oppurtunities to experiment, have genuine friendships, do things in general, , party,....etc. I was glued to my computer and completely at the will of my long distance relationship, to feel that I wasnt alone like I felt anytime I was away from my computer and reminded the partner I had was over 1000 miles away in another country with no easy way to just “be” with him. I struggled hard for the relationship against my parents, I was so sure that the relationship with this guy online was worth everything I gave up for it. I became obsessed with feeling needed with somebody. I could never for a second imagine my life without him being somewhere in it. Moving forward to the heart breaking moment when I realized the toxicity of the relationship, I pulled away. Originally I had no intentions of being with Chad, but fear of being alone, and his promise to come to America so we wouldnt be long distance tantalized me enough to spend 3 months there and go back after a month of being in America for 6 MORE months. And honestly, they were a good time. I think Chad and I had a wonderful relationship, and if the circumstances were different I’d say the relationship could’ve lasted for a very long time.
However, I knew that I needed to be alone. I knew that long distance made me unhappy because it put such mental strain on me from the way I treat it- I would give anything and put myself in unfavorable financial situations to be with my partner. That physical closeness was all I could ever need and want. And yet, I know that feeling that way- Feeling like I NEED someone, is utterly wrong. I would give up anything to accomplish having a successful relationship, give up any plans or desires of my own to make things work. I’m like that. I give it my all.
Ultimately, I recognize that I fear being alone. Because that means, regardless of friends, there’s not a single person in my life that’s chained to me. (And thats not what a healthy relationship is like either.) I think relationships in general have warped my sense of self. I no longer feel like I have any direction or anything- I feel completely lost. I think because I’ve always put my relationships first, figuring out my life was always easily lined up with whatever my partner wanted, and I would work around that and whatever best suited that path. Art is a huge part of my being and I cannot even think of a single thing I want to draw- And now in the rare moments where I do, I want to cry. I dont want to draw. At this point in life I realize I’ve never been my own single person. And people who know me think of me as a strong individual with her own ideals and wants and goals. But I’m not. And I havent been for nearly the entirety of my life. I feel so torn at the seams because for the first time ever: I can do whatever I want and not have to think about how it’ll affect someone else. (Sparing my friends and family of course, but that’s not exactly what I mean.)
I have no idea what these feelings are at times, when I’m trying to relax and read or write or watch a show, I feel terrible knots in my stomach and my chest gets so tight that I start feeling like I’m going to sob my heart out. When I think of doing anything I’m bitterly filled with negative feelings and thoughts about it. What do I want? Who do I want to be? I have absolutely no fucking idea at all. I know I’m interested in doing so many things but that doesnt make things any clearer. At this point in time I cant even muster pride in my art- And that is truly quite scary. I hate everything about drawing right now. What even is stopping me from drawing?
In this Journal my only point is to emphasize how I’m terrified of being alone but knowing that its the single most needed thing in my life right now. I’m sorry for doing this now but dealing with everything else made me crumble and now I just want to be better, with fresh resolve and knowing who I am and what I want.
I dont know how to make this happen or when it’ll happen. Maybe I should see a therapist honestly but I dont have the money for that heh...
Um, well anyways. Here’s a final thought and question: What do you do when you’ve lost sense of self and individuality?
I think as being a woman it is admittedly easier to find a partner, significantly I would say. For me, that’s meant I haven’t been “alone” (More on what alone means to me in a moment) since....the second grade? with a guy named Danny. (Maybe you remember him as the childhood friend that I lost last year to mental illness.) And when you wouldnt consider that very serious relationship, I jumped immediately into a relationship in 5th grade by “dumping” Danny to go out with a boy named Collon. (I actually dont remember how his name is spelt.) Looking back on it, he was the most insignificant relationship I was in terms of closeness. I dated him because he was funny and weird, just enough that he didnt have to feel embarassed by how weird I was. (I was an....odd child to say the least.) And when I was dating Collon, I was also going through many life problems. Bullying, parents fighting and cheating on each other, throwing me in the middle, finding out about my biological father and being used against my dad, my mom driving me away from home late hours of the night to leave me in the car while she cheated on my dad, honestly....the list goes on. I started becoming more isolated from my family, and at some point I became an angsty emo lil shit who believed the world was against her. I met Sam online, the guy I broke up with last year. We fed off of each others negativity, though it didnt appear that way at first. The relationship lasted for 8 years and during that time I rejected having other relationships (though I at one point had a “fake” relationship with my friend James to satiate my mom.) and most oppurtunities to experiment, have genuine friendships, do things in general, , party,....etc. I was glued to my computer and completely at the will of my long distance relationship, to feel that I wasnt alone like I felt anytime I was away from my computer and reminded the partner I had was over 1000 miles away in another country with no easy way to just “be” with him. I struggled hard for the relationship against my parents, I was so sure that the relationship with this guy online was worth everything I gave up for it. I became obsessed with feeling needed with somebody. I could never for a second imagine my life without him being somewhere in it. Moving forward to the heart breaking moment when I realized the toxicity of the relationship, I pulled away. Originally I had no intentions of being with Chad, but fear of being alone, and his promise to come to America so we wouldnt be long distance tantalized me enough to spend 3 months there and go back after a month of being in America for 6 MORE months. And honestly, they were a good time. I think Chad and I had a wonderful relationship, and if the circumstances were different I’d say the relationship could’ve lasted for a very long time.
However, I knew that I needed to be alone. I knew that long distance made me unhappy because it put such mental strain on me from the way I treat it- I would give anything and put myself in unfavorable financial situations to be with my partner. That physical closeness was all I could ever need and want. And yet, I know that feeling that way- Feeling like I NEED someone, is utterly wrong. I would give up anything to accomplish having a successful relationship, give up any plans or desires of my own to make things work. I’m like that. I give it my all.
Ultimately, I recognize that I fear being alone. Because that means, regardless of friends, there’s not a single person in my life that’s chained to me. (And thats not what a healthy relationship is like either.) I think relationships in general have warped my sense of self. I no longer feel like I have any direction or anything- I feel completely lost. I think because I’ve always put my relationships first, figuring out my life was always easily lined up with whatever my partner wanted, and I would work around that and whatever best suited that path. Art is a huge part of my being and I cannot even think of a single thing I want to draw- And now in the rare moments where I do, I want to cry. I dont want to draw. At this point in life I realize I’ve never been my own single person. And people who know me think of me as a strong individual with her own ideals and wants and goals. But I’m not. And I havent been for nearly the entirety of my life. I feel so torn at the seams because for the first time ever: I can do whatever I want and not have to think about how it’ll affect someone else. (Sparing my friends and family of course, but that’s not exactly what I mean.)
I have no idea what these feelings are at times, when I’m trying to relax and read or write or watch a show, I feel terrible knots in my stomach and my chest gets so tight that I start feeling like I’m going to sob my heart out. When I think of doing anything I’m bitterly filled with negative feelings and thoughts about it. What do I want? Who do I want to be? I have absolutely no fucking idea at all. I know I’m interested in doing so many things but that doesnt make things any clearer. At this point in time I cant even muster pride in my art- And that is truly quite scary. I hate everything about drawing right now. What even is stopping me from drawing?
In this Journal my only point is to emphasize how I’m terrified of being alone but knowing that its the single most needed thing in my life right now. I’m sorry for doing this now but dealing with everything else made me crumble and now I just want to be better, with fresh resolve and knowing who I am and what I want.
I dont know how to make this happen or when it’ll happen. Maybe I should see a therapist honestly but I dont have the money for that heh...
Um, well anyways. Here’s a final thought and question: What do you do when you’ve lost sense of self and individuality?
I do feel you on the individuality type of thing, and I guess one thing that might be nice to do is to go out by yourself maybe, connect with your inner interests and begin to express your innermost feelings outward (so long as it is legal and appropriate) I guess just in short try harder to make yourself happy and not others around you happy
Be sure to not overdo the being alone, it can ave the adfverse reation of what you hope to achieve
well, have some boxed love o3o/[ ]
It sounds like you're, in some ways, "starting over". It's pretty scary, but pretty wonderful, too.
I looked up a lot of different articles and videos through the years trying to find answers for myself and the issues I was experiencing. They have been super, super useful. Through part of it, I discovered Buddhism. When I listen to people talk about it, it helps "ground me" back down to reality. I hope you can find something to do similar for you!
Regarding therapy; definitely do it if you can. Make sure your healthcare covers mental health so that you can take advantage of it. I specifically selected mine to make sure I would have that opportunity. It covered most of my visits. I think I only paid about $15 per visit. Definitely look into it thoroughly! Therapy is something good for EVERYONE!
idk whenever I feel like I'm losing my self I just try and ignore it by playing games or working, or just sleeping whenever that doesn't work. Probably isn't a longterm solution though -_-
Hope you figure it out, I think lotsa people can relate ya kno, like they'll be cheerin you on
& still don't regret it.
Sorry to say though, you might have to get used to the feeling sista.
It's very easy to feel lost or undefined in a world that doesn't expressly provide you with purpose or inspiration. While we often find meaning and direction through a whole host of sources, one of the most simple and effective is the comfort others bring. In healthy doses, friends, lovers, etc. can help give us the extra push or motivation we need to go and seize our dreams. But when we're out of sync with ourselves and what we want, we often run the risk of *making* those people the focus of our goals. We set them squarely at the center of our ambitions, when really, they don't have any business being there. And before you know it, you find yourself desperate for their attention, their validation, and their guidance, because you feel like without them, you have nothing else to fall back on. Without them, your entire direction crumbles.
Obviously these are generalizations, and I'm not in any position to presume to understand what you're dealing with. But if any of that sounds even remotely familiar, then my advice would be to get to know *you* again. Get to know yourself and what you want. If your goals are predicated on having someone in your life, ask yourself why. Try and understand what they would bring to the table that you yourself can't achieve on your own. No one deserves to live their life alone--but at the same time, no one should ever have to feel like they *need* someone in order to have worth or purpose.
You mention that you would give up any plans or desires in order to make a relationship work, and right there lies one of the most fundamental issues: why? To put it another way, how accustomed have you become to the idea of sacrificing yourself and your desires for others that that becomes an aspect of your relationship process? You owe it to yourself to set your goals and your aspirations as a priority, because when you love yourself and what you do, others are going to follow suit. When you stay true to your purpose, you're going to end up with people that want to aid you towards that end. You won't feel like they define you, but that they nurture you and make you better: not someone to give you purpose, but someone committed to helping you find your purpose.
I guess to put it simply, be good to *you*. Don't think for even a second that there is no you, that there is no individual, or someone without purpose: she's there, she's just been in hiding or suppressed for one reason or another. And the only way you're going to coax her out is to give her a reason to show herself again. Make her feel important, indulge her, and above all, don't make her feel like she's only as good as who she's with.
I know it's all easy for me to say, and it's not very helpful. But really, I hope you can figure out what you want and how valuable you are, with or without someone else supplementing your life. It's tough dealing with these things, they hurt like hell.
Growing up, I was alone, plain and simple. My dad was in jail for crimes I wish I could forget, my mom was too busy working to support me and my older brother to even check in on me, and my brother, the closest person in my life that came to reliable family was... Well, he still had his flaws. He was a good person, still is, but not really enough I suppose.
I regressed further and further into reclusivity through my school life. I just didn't like anybody really, so many self-entitled twats who became parents before they grew up themselves. I stayed away because I didn't wanna be that person, but that painted a target on my back. I was an outcast, who cared what happen to me? Got even worse after my first suicide attempt. No one seemed to really care that I tried to end my life, just more gossip being spread, and my mom was so disconnected from everything that she told me "I had better not be doing this to get out of school."
Things didnt get better, although at the time I thouht they were, because that's when I started getting into romantic relationships. Most long distance, and a few personal... But what I realize now is that it made me dependant. At that point of my life I didn't give a fuck about my life, just the person I was attached to. I mean, my family failed me, I barely had any friends... And now I feel love? What other purpose would I have?
This dependancy had it's price, of course. The moment this dependancy was broken, and I was left on my own, I'd shatter... This happened three times, same girl through it all. First, I found out she was cheating on me with several other guys, some of which were my friends. Second, Some douchebag decided to troll me and claiming she killed herself, at the best time as she wasn't online at the time. During that fiasco, I had some of my own, few friends starting to think I faked the story for attention, and turned on me... So now my friends turned on me too. Third... I found out how this drama all stired with her and why. It was some criminal investigation test, the point was to catfish people to learn how to lure out predators. The cheating? Multiple tests. The troll? Another student trying to screw her over. And now, here I was; stunned, shattered, and utterly hopeless.
What didn't help at the time was my failing grades. I had no motivation, I didn't care as long as I could barely scrape by... This invited pressure from my mother, and with all this going on at once, I tried to kill myself yet again, this time getting sent to the hospital.
One week and a perscription of anti-depressants later, I'm no better. I'm still unmotivated, I'm still a shut in, and I was switching boyfriends almost once a month... And now addicted to the pills because they made me feel nothing.
I got lucky, I had an epiphany, a eureka moment of sorts, when I finally started asking why can't I just be happy? I realized... Because I didn't know how to be happy with myself. I kept asking myself why I was alive, what purpose do I have, and why did I wake up in the morning.
The answer I found was remarkably simple. It doesn't matter why I'm alive, because I am... And all you have to do, is appreciate what more and more take for granted... The fact that your alive. Just take your life one step at a time, be thankful that you're still able to feel what you do, do as you please, and appreciate every moment you have. I know, it's cheesy, it's cliche, but in that simplicity there is some truth. It can be as simple as just trying to smile a bit more often. Even if it feels forced, you start finding reasons to smile.
You live, and then you die your life is over. So fill your glass how you wish.
You can fill your glass with contentment, or you can seek happiness.
I admire the courage you have not only in chasing after true happiness, but the bravery to be willing to change.
Some people spend their whole lives with a partner they only tolerate, or where love is not so obvious.
As for identity and a sense of self...
You are who you choose to be.
Don't let anyone TELL you who you are. No matter what "proof" anyone wants to lay at your feet. Some people can't keep up with those who can change and they'll come to resent you for it.
If you want to be a clown, or an administrator, a disciplinary, an enabler, a pervert, a prude, you go right ahead and be it.
If you wanna be the cute fluffy pupper-drawing infantile, jubilant, excitable and giddy person you project, then be it.
You are not your thoughts. You are who you choose to be. Nothing else matters but the choices you make, right here and right now.
But! Back on topic! Being alone? I wont lie to you it sucks hard sometimes. You dont have someone to throw your raw emotion at and recoeve it back, which feels nice :v, you dont have someone for the lust (xD) and you dont have someone for those special late night moments. BUT what you do have is your own self image to improve, you have friends for those cherishable memories youl be able to enjoy freely, you can make selfish decisions because its just you and you control the entirety of your life.
I gotta be honest, clovar is a awesome dude. But i was incredibly worried when you basically hopped from abby to him (no im not saying it was a rebound or anything and i dont doubt your feels for clovar im.just saying it was fast) you hadnt had a chance to live for yourself a little like you had originally wanted to do.
Now! Onto the other part.
If i had to guess what your going through now as in fears of whats to come and stuff, kinda reminds me of when i finished welding school and life got fast af and i was scared af because these were such new experiences, not bad, but new and hot like sledgehammers.
It gets better, easier, smoother sweets. I promise you you can do this. You say we dont really know you? Nah, i know what i need to know. You have a will that i find admirable and a heart that bleeds gold. If there is one person i will always think of fondly no matter what happens down the road it will be you. We may not talk hardly at all anymore, you may hate me someday, and i may walk away for a while but i will always remember you.
Its funny, sometimes i wonder just how someone could penetrate so deeply into my world when ive not even met them physically, but peeps like you angel berru and several others manage it.
You may read this, you may not, idk. Just know i and several others are around if you ever just wanna chat and clear the weight thats pressing down on your chest. Trust me if there is one thing ive learned from my own loneliness, nothing gets rid of it better than a friend to laugh wit, as im sure james has proven with you xD
Experiences makes you stronger, good and bads, its seem like a lot now, and now it is a lot, but with time you will look back and wonder why you where so worried, you will grow stronger from this, you just can see it yet
Some time alone will do you well, I know its going to be hard, trust me it will but you'll be okay. There are lots of people to talk to, I would recommend a therapist if you feel you need it. But your friends will listen if they care too, and will try to comfort you.
This fear of being alone haunts me to make me feel as if I have to make absolutely everything good, but something I forget a lot is myself. Take this time to explore yourself Spunky, and try to feel better. I believe in you.
When I broke up with him, I realized I needed to spend time on me. I lived by myself and was forced to do my own thing. I did go to therapy and found out that my attachment issues stem from my Mother. She cheated on my Dad TWICE when I was young...she also manipulated me and controlled me. I basically had to throw out everything I learned and rebuild myself from the ground up, which the therapist helped with. 2 years after that, I am with my, now, fiance after spending time alone in my own place and rediscovering who I am for roughly 2 years.
It's not a thing you can fix overnight but you WANT to change, without anyone telling you to, which is a big step into the right direction.
I think spending more time with yourself instead of searching/hoping for a partner is the biggest and best step towards self healing after traumatic experiences in the dating scene. The hardest pill I've ever had to swallow is learning how to pick myself up and how to better cope without the people who I really thought would be in my life forever, or for at least a very long time. I had to learn that you have to do things for yourself, because the only one who's gonna put yourself back up on your two feet is you.
Sometimes, being alone and independent is the best thing to happen, especially for a woman - I find it super empowering, and I tend to try to prove myself and to others that I can do just fine alone or with a partner. But, then again, being someone who has always been very independent naturally from how I've grown up and aged, It may be easier for me to soak that up and work with it over others. It's a good start, though.
Best wishes, things will work themselves out. Life always has a way of working things out.
She and I really meant our feelings for each other and things looked okay there for awhile. It was only after we had fought (my fault that that happened, really) and she left me that I realised how much I had made her my identity, that i'd kind of lost all my character and put it into being in this relationship.
She and I were still on good terms, we made amends, but then she kinda..disappeared for awhile, hasn't been back. That's a story for another time.
In any case i'd be more than willing to give you the full story some time on discord, TekiTacs#9582
Now that I am alone again I am faced with some of the same questions you are and honestly it's lead me to cry visibly at work, wallow in depression, and more. I sought online therapy though it's not a perfect solution but it can help maybe, I do not know if it is just me naturally getting better over time or not.
As for your final question... I managed to get a job and end my jobless streak. I was watching videos of Mike Rowe from Discovery Channel talking about how to approach work and self fulfillment and it is absolutely vital at all costs take pride in what you do even at a lousy normal job. It's a real mind changer and I think it really helped keep me stable through hard times, plus it helped my bank account... The key is to have purpose, pride, and become an expert at a skill and this will help you center your mind around yourself and your individuality. I think had I been jobless during my breakup and emotional turmoil, I think I'd have come out a lot worse for wear. I have made a bit of a mental identity for myself from all this and I feel it has helped. I don't think it's useful to everyone but... it's my experience... Its not about the job itself though, it's the mindset and that is what is important.
I mention this because long long ago I tried to connect with others more as a cure to my loneliness and loss of self, but it only felt shallow and insubstantial without the ability to support myself on my own legs. So for you I think you need to set yourself a strong and powerful goal, a reachable one for sure and one that will be of certain and knowable benefit to yourself and only yourself. Then work up one after another and if all goes well you'll have yourself a new image for yourself.
I hope this is useful in any way to you Spunky. I'm very sorry for what you're going through and I wish to help however I can. We're Georgia-Furs so you're not completely alone.
1. Crying or sobbing is a natural reaction to stressful situations, it helps alleviate our "fight or flight" response. It calms the rush of hormones our minds tell our bodies to produce.
2. That feeling of being lost is a growing pain, and you will grow to a point where you will no longer feel lost.
You seem great at self evaluating your situations. Making the decision to be alone lets you know that even though you have been with someone all your life, you are dependent enough to make strong decisions like that.
To answer your question: I started to try new activities and things. Learning what I liked and didn't like on my own really helped me grow as a person. It started off with going to my favorite restaurant (Red Robins) and trying to eat 1 thing on the menu I've never had each time I went. Turns out pineapple on a burger is about as gross as I thought it'd be. But blue cheese and jam make an awesome flavor combination, and I thought I hated blue cheese.
Start discovering new things about yourself, you're already taking the first steps.
But the reality is. You need to be ready and comfortable with yourself. Be able to appreciate, treat and respect yourself kindly and fairly if you are able to have a healthy and stable relationship. Don;t be afraid of taking that much needed time for yourself. There is all the opportunity, time and love in the world for you to get back with the one you have feelings for and for the right, like-minded stable person to come along and find you so adorable and worthy of all that you are.
Do not ever fear the idea of nurturing yourself. to find peace and a sense of self, is your life purpose! Not chasing relationships! (Let the men do that for you, and allow yourself to be the worthy woman that they wish to adore and serve and look after.) I actually have a relationship help programme I downloaded off of the internet by Torrent download. I would want to upload it for you to download but its awfully big (9gbs!) I could upload it to my DropBox or Mega account for you to download if you feel you could benefit from it? Its the commitment blueprint/Reconnect your relationship and love scripts programme's made by Rori Raye. Watching and listening to her programme's helped me feel secure and value myself so that I can feel better about being in a relationship and the fundamentals on how to stabilise myself in the exchange of one. ❤❤
It's ok, and perfectly normal to cry it out sometimes, jst make sure that when you do let those tears go, hold onto your chest or where-ever it hurts and let yourself not only feel the pain.. but use your energy to heal it as you hold it. You need to allow yourself that time and honour yourself to heal what hurts so that you can move on and live a long, happy and fulfilled life. (This should, and will be your #1 priority!) So you can do what you love to do! and feel proud of who you are and how much power you now have and realise how much you can truly achieve when you're on top and can be on the same level as these emotions you adhere as a beautiful human being!
Much love and soul searching baby.
🍑 Xx
It's not for everyone, but it works for me!
On my "alone" avenues, I like to do or learn something new that I've never done before.
Makes me feel alive and born again.
And fear- It is a very strong and horrid thought, more than just an emotion.
Don't let it control you, don't let it win!
May your life be yours and only yours, for you only live it once.
Nobody really knows what they want. Most of life is figuring out shit as you go and faking it well enough to look like you have your shit together.
When you've lost your sense of self and individuality is probably the best time to try shit you never thought you'd want to do. Not because someone else wants you to, but because you can. Fuck it. At the same time, you might even find yourself doing it.
I've always been alone. In your sense and in mine, it's more recent I even reach out to others.
You can try whatever, just remember to weigh momentarily happy vs long term happy. Good luck in figuring you out.
In all seriousness though, it's about looking in yourself rather than out and around. No one here can tell you where to find yourself, because no one is you. In times like this, it might help, if you don't struggle, don't rush, don't fight, instead let yourself go. Allow what happens to happen, embrace the flow of life and see where it takes you. Find yourself in the still emptiness that's inside. I'll leave you with a quote and a video, which suggest a similar approach. Peace
Happiness is a butterfly which when chased is just beyond your reach. But sit still in the tall grass and it may alight upon you.
https://www.facebook.com/PrinceEa/v.....7045367169769/