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I've been focused too much on numbers
7 years ago
Nothing really important here other than personal thoughts.
I've been feeling better about art still but had another slump where I basically broke down to people. They were there for me and I'm thankful, they really helped put things in perspective.
As pointed out in an earlier journal by someone, I really have been focused way too much on viewer count and favorites. Until this point, greater watchers/favorites meant I was doing better. Technically still down but not as much as it used to. But in my mind, even subconsiously, I thought that more favorites meant I did a better job at art. So when I uploaded something and it got <10 favorites I couldn't help but feel I utterly failed at something. Eyes, face, body, structure, perspective, composition, colors, something must have been drastically wrong in order for people not have liked it.
It became poisonous to me. I would stare at an image that people didn't like, look at a reference or similar image to try to pick apart what I can do to make mine better. I would try that in another picture and nothing would change. It would really make me depressed thinking that no matter what I did, no matter how many hours I put into it, it wasn't any better.
It kept building from that. I would get jealous at other people because they got more favorites/watchers/attention than me. I felt more and more like a failure and all I could think of is how I can exploit some fetish or character people love in order to be praised, to feel validated. And it made me feel disgusting. A cycle of stress, self-doubt, jealousy, anger, depression, going deeper and deeper for the past few months till those feeling weren't even subtle anymore. I would get jealous at my own friends for getting attention I felt I deserved, and I hated that as well, I wanted to be happy for them but I couldn't stop thinking my art was nothing but failed and wasted time if it couldn't match them.
So that's why I really had to talk to some of my friends about it. I hate bothering people with my problems but it just came out. I really had to be reminded me why I started drawing in the first place. To have fun, to make friends happy, to make people happy with good art. Numbers are empty... If I suddenly got 10x of everything would I even be happier? If it was for drawing something I didn't even really care?
It's the people who I know follow me for doing for doing what I enjoy that matters. It's learning about new ways to do things that make me happy. The friends I make and have made make me happy. Making art for people and having them tell me that they're happy makes me happy.
So what can I do to fix all this? I don't know. I don't know if I can keep this mentaility or if I'll start to get jealous again. I feel reinvigorated with meaning on why to draw. Instead of chasing attention, I want to draw to improve myself and make stuff people enjoy. But I fear that I'll start doubting myself and feeling I'm failing myself and everyone. I fear I will feel it's all a waste of time, considering how much time a single piece takes me, usually 10-40 hours if we count all the time I need breaks/food/rest and can't work on anything else in life.
Guess part of the reason I wanted to write this is to go back to this myself in the future. If I start feeling the same way again.
Thanks for reading, those who did.
I've been feeling better about art still but had another slump where I basically broke down to people. They were there for me and I'm thankful, they really helped put things in perspective.
As pointed out in an earlier journal by someone, I really have been focused way too much on viewer count and favorites. Until this point, greater watchers/favorites meant I was doing better. Technically still down but not as much as it used to. But in my mind, even subconsiously, I thought that more favorites meant I did a better job at art. So when I uploaded something and it got <10 favorites I couldn't help but feel I utterly failed at something. Eyes, face, body, structure, perspective, composition, colors, something must have been drastically wrong in order for people not have liked it.
It became poisonous to me. I would stare at an image that people didn't like, look at a reference or similar image to try to pick apart what I can do to make mine better. I would try that in another picture and nothing would change. It would really make me depressed thinking that no matter what I did, no matter how many hours I put into it, it wasn't any better.
It kept building from that. I would get jealous at other people because they got more favorites/watchers/attention than me. I felt more and more like a failure and all I could think of is how I can exploit some fetish or character people love in order to be praised, to feel validated. And it made me feel disgusting. A cycle of stress, self-doubt, jealousy, anger, depression, going deeper and deeper for the past few months till those feeling weren't even subtle anymore. I would get jealous at my own friends for getting attention I felt I deserved, and I hated that as well, I wanted to be happy for them but I couldn't stop thinking my art was nothing but failed and wasted time if it couldn't match them.
So that's why I really had to talk to some of my friends about it. I hate bothering people with my problems but it just came out. I really had to be reminded me why I started drawing in the first place. To have fun, to make friends happy, to make people happy with good art. Numbers are empty... If I suddenly got 10x of everything would I even be happier? If it was for drawing something I didn't even really care?
It's the people who I know follow me for doing for doing what I enjoy that matters. It's learning about new ways to do things that make me happy. The friends I make and have made make me happy. Making art for people and having them tell me that they're happy makes me happy.
So what can I do to fix all this? I don't know. I don't know if I can keep this mentaility or if I'll start to get jealous again. I feel reinvigorated with meaning on why to draw. Instead of chasing attention, I want to draw to improve myself and make stuff people enjoy. But I fear that I'll start doubting myself and feeling I'm failing myself and everyone. I fear I will feel it's all a waste of time, considering how much time a single piece takes me, usually 10-40 hours if we count all the time I need breaks/food/rest and can't work on anything else in life.
Guess part of the reason I wanted to write this is to go back to this myself in the future. If I start feeling the same way again.
Thanks for reading, those who did.
And thank you man, I really appreciate that. Will do <3
So I may too come back to this journal and reread as many times as needed to remind myself. Thank you for sharing this Coffee.
Art is really personal in the end, letting you create anything you desire. Of course its normal to want attention and to have an audience for your stuff, but if you start relying on the audience instead of doing what you want it destorys you.
Avoid the pitfall of thinking views and favs really matter. There's no way to keep them from feeling good in the moment, but perhaps try to realize that the furry mass is a cesspool of ignorant tools with no standards. Quantity outperforms quality every single time. This community isn't worth capitulating to. You might find it more rewarding to appeal to a smaller, more dedicated group of fans and friends.
I share your feelings of jealously, as loathe as I am to admit. Well, perhaps it's more a feeling of resentment than jealousy. I can't stand when artists get popular for sub-par or even shit work. It reinforces that "quantity over quality" pattern this fandom displays. It's fine when artists who are actually worth their weight in skill gain notoriety. They earned it.
If you want to play the numbers game you have to be shameless about it. Thanking people for favs, watches, etc. Posting WIPs and previews in series, and offering alternate versions of art like what Blitzdrachin does is an excuse to post the same thing more than once and appeal to a wider demographic (a tip I learned from a good friend of mine). Find ways to get your twitter followers to like and RT your art. Usually this means finding out what everybody wants and just making the same shit over and over again. Or you could do what kuroo does and make a shitty comic about pokemon species that EVERYBODY likes - the trick is to find a way to do it quickly; forgo quality, find shortcuts and post reliably.
I will do somethings but as part of my Patreon. I want to offer raffles and alternate pics, but I really can't be that shameless about things. I want them more as a thank you than anything else. I know all these games honestly and kind of considered them because I was getting desperate... but like I said, in the end pure numbers are empty.
I can't say what would kill your interest in numbers, but it'll probably go away eventually if you don't want it.
I think it'll go away eventually. As long as I can decouple the idea that favs = skill then I can work through it.
as a matter of fact, i still sort of feel like that, i know people who haven't been drawing as long as me that are far better then i, and my jealously rages at it, i completely stop drawing feeling like its a waist of time, i feel like i dont get better and im stuck on the same level of drawing that i began with, despite what others say...
but, you need to ignore these feelings, they ruin things that could be or could have been, i think you are an amazing and inspiring artist, as a matter of fact your art inspired me to create and draw a character! (not on here but on IB) you might not realise it but your art has an impact, and personally i adore it...
(p.s. you get more watchers (and faves) depending on how active you are o.o every artist i know has said this and i experienced it on DA xwx its kinda ridiculous but its true because more people see your stuff)
And I hope you can ignore those feeling too. Art takes a lot of time but it can be so fun and rewarding <3
its hard to ignore those feelings, especially when seeing how much better everyone else is o.o