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A lot of thinking (Personal)
7 years ago
Since sometime on July of 2017, I ended up moving out to live with a group that I was willing to sacrifice practically everything I built my life around. I had everything before the move. A roof over my head, a close-knit community that I cherished, and a slowly growing connection of good folks that were supportive of me. I never realized that this move was going to change my life. It opened my eyes to a lot of things that I never realized I have sacrificed. It felt like I was living all the way back in Kansas once more, where I was at the most miserable.
When I say almost, it wasn't quite close, compared to that life. However, where I grew up is a completely different beast all together, versus of where I currently live at now. And that is okay. Times change, and so do people. That I know for certain from experience. Mentality can also alter over time, for better or for worse. What I used to have versus what I have now makes me cherish more things than ever before. It taught me things I used to have when growing up that were small, yet set a course that I have had laid out for me.
Where I live at now? It's home. I feel safe once more, and those I live with have always put a smile upon my face. I always wish to return the favor in some way, somehow. Sure, they are my roommates, but they are family to me. A new home, a new beginning of a story arc of mine. During the time of the move, I have lost a great deal of things. One namely my computer for a good bit of time with the whole lack of internet, then the follow-up of the damages it has taken from those I used to live with, and even my own incompetence of cleaning my computer properly. It has caused a lot of heart-ache that I have been without a computer.
To put it in perspective, the computer is my life. My passion for writing is all done by computer. Every story I have ever written has been done on it. It is something I love to do every day. It helps me be creative, open-minded, and even express emotions where I deemed important behind every character I have developed for such themes. Writing epic adventures and spinning tales of glory, drama, and companionship has always been something that I feel I can do in a form of entertainment that I feel is quite enjoyable. It is a hobby that I always loved, and something that society needs, just as much as any other forms of art and entertainment for that matter. It is a different form of art that I feel I connected to the most.
Even then, not only does my computer help express my creative style in writing stories and characters, it also helped build a circle of those I wish to be connected with. People I have grown fond of over the years. Make connections with those I never thought I would have ever met. I wouldn't have ever made it this far from Kansas, to Texas, then back. Then moving out to Ohio, then Nevada, and finally to where I am today. I've been in quite a number of places, but these are the states I really have felt left important markers in my life. Without the computer, I would have never met so many great people that I always loved to communicate with. Be it as something as simple, yet enjoyable like role playing, to video gaming. Whatever I did online, I always managed to keep up with a good group of friends.
During my time without a computer however, my life felt more and more shallow, due to the lack of being able to communicate effectively with my circle. My phone can only handle so much during that time period, making things extremely difficult after the move. I loved video games, but I haven't really played much due to my passion project of being a writer radiated off of me at the time. Though as weeks passed with me doing almost nothing, I eventually started to go back to playing video games. It started to rekindle a lot of my old nostalgia once more... Remembering so many things and what originated my course to try and reach the core of why I always wanted to be a writer...
My very first video game was Legend of Zelda 2 on the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) when I was just a little kid. I didn't own the Super Nintendo, as it was simply a hand-me-down from my brother. And man, did I play the heck out of it! Of course now that I am older, I do realize a lot of the faults in that game. But it was definitely something I still remember fondly of. How proud I was when I finally beat that final boss, practically feeling achieved, stating, "Wow, this is what it must feel like being a real sword fighter!" I was seven when I said that, finally beating such a hard game at that time. While the writing on that game wasn't impressive, it did help me start to enjoy fantasy and stories a lot more than usual. And it only confirmed it upon when I got my first Game Boy and got Pokemon Blue. I played that game to death, that much I know! Getting that first Eevee was definitely something I loved. I didn't quite get into Star Fox, because 'It was too violent' for me, so I only managed to watch my brother play that game. But Pokemon? It definitely resonated with me quite a bit more than I realized. Playing through that game the second time, where I actually started to form a bit of a story. Making that Eevee as the 'Main Character' and everything. It wasn't that boy with the hat I was playing, it was that Eevee. I went as far as having a school buddy of mine trading that Eevee of mine over on my third gameplay, where Jotie was born. I guess in a way, that is how Jotie the Vaporeon was born. I never really thought about it, but it really stuck with me.
I know it is a lot of rambling, but this does bring up a next point while I was thinking about it. It held a lot of passion that I wanted to bring back that feeling once more as a kid... Except on modern games today. And while I do have that same feeling of joy, something always felt off about me playing games. This only grew more apparent when I got my computer officially back up and running once more, in a safe location in my new home... I grew more reclusive.
I distanced myself from all forms of communication. Those I used to talk to, I slowly grew more and more bitter... Depression seem to be more apparent throughout the days, and I don't know why. I always felt happy when playing video games, so why would I also feel depressed? I felt like an empty shell, void of almost not caring about my own well-being. It has grown so bad that... I legitimately started to stop eating for fear that I have been eating too much, just so I can keep playing video games. I even stopped sleeping properly as well, because of it. Those I loved to talk to, I grew too scared to even talk to them. I became more sick physically and emotionally that I even didn't want to say anything that was going on through my mind, so they wouldn't worry about me too much.
My motivation for writing seemed to have slowly dwindled away, just so I can get the newest games coming out, just so I can get that rush of joy filling within me once more, giving me an 'excuse' to talk about something new and hip I suppose. But... the more I started to think about it on why I felt empty, the more I grew into the conclusion today when trying to sleep that I may have an unfortunate addiction to video games.
It is not the video games fault. I do not blame video games at all. I however, do blame myself because I got too ensnared in video games that I forgot what my original path was. I relied on video games so much, that it felt like it is the only thing I am good at. I stopped my dream of becoming a writer, so that I can play video games, trying to be a great gamer. But I don't want to put in the effort of being a streamer, so what does that accomplish in my life? I feel like I am doing nothing, but ruining my career that video games originally put the path for me in the first place. Which is stories...
It took me only today to realize what I have lost, and I got too absorbed into trying to perfect my gameplay, rather than playing a game for the meaning behind it. This is not what I grew up with... I am not a person who wants to play a game to be on the top of the leader boards, but to play a game with a narrative. I shouldn't care so much on trying to be the number one... And yet I ended up making myself focus on that aspect too much that, I forgot so many things...
The crushing reality is: I lost so many important things in my life, which includes those I grew so close to over video games, ever since I lost my computer. And I kept being sucked right back into playing games, losing the meaning behind a good story behind everything, and only looking at the mechanics and numbers behind the games I played. The feeling of guilt weighs even more so heavily than before, as I realized I slowly avoided talking to friends and loved ones for that boost of enjoyment of getting that rare piece of gear I have been going on weeks on end to get. I shouldn't lose the real meaning behind a good story. And I shouldn't lose myself to video games... As those that I share the connection with is higher than some entertainment... I feel sickened that I have fallen this way.
I do not blame video games, as I still clearly enjoy them. They are what set me on the path originally to become a writer. It is also what set me on the path to meet new people from all around the world. Just like coffee and cheesecake, I need to do it in moderation. Too much of a good thing can definitely be detrimental to my health, and even those around me. I do not plan to stop playing video games as a whole, but I do really need to go back to my old roots and be more active upon those I used to be around so much. In hopes that those I am with will forgive me for being so inactive these days. And perhaps one day, rekindle my love for writing once more.
When I say almost, it wasn't quite close, compared to that life. However, where I grew up is a completely different beast all together, versus of where I currently live at now. And that is okay. Times change, and so do people. That I know for certain from experience. Mentality can also alter over time, for better or for worse. What I used to have versus what I have now makes me cherish more things than ever before. It taught me things I used to have when growing up that were small, yet set a course that I have had laid out for me.
Where I live at now? It's home. I feel safe once more, and those I live with have always put a smile upon my face. I always wish to return the favor in some way, somehow. Sure, they are my roommates, but they are family to me. A new home, a new beginning of a story arc of mine. During the time of the move, I have lost a great deal of things. One namely my computer for a good bit of time with the whole lack of internet, then the follow-up of the damages it has taken from those I used to live with, and even my own incompetence of cleaning my computer properly. It has caused a lot of heart-ache that I have been without a computer.
To put it in perspective, the computer is my life. My passion for writing is all done by computer. Every story I have ever written has been done on it. It is something I love to do every day. It helps me be creative, open-minded, and even express emotions where I deemed important behind every character I have developed for such themes. Writing epic adventures and spinning tales of glory, drama, and companionship has always been something that I feel I can do in a form of entertainment that I feel is quite enjoyable. It is a hobby that I always loved, and something that society needs, just as much as any other forms of art and entertainment for that matter. It is a different form of art that I feel I connected to the most.
Even then, not only does my computer help express my creative style in writing stories and characters, it also helped build a circle of those I wish to be connected with. People I have grown fond of over the years. Make connections with those I never thought I would have ever met. I wouldn't have ever made it this far from Kansas, to Texas, then back. Then moving out to Ohio, then Nevada, and finally to where I am today. I've been in quite a number of places, but these are the states I really have felt left important markers in my life. Without the computer, I would have never met so many great people that I always loved to communicate with. Be it as something as simple, yet enjoyable like role playing, to video gaming. Whatever I did online, I always managed to keep up with a good group of friends.
During my time without a computer however, my life felt more and more shallow, due to the lack of being able to communicate effectively with my circle. My phone can only handle so much during that time period, making things extremely difficult after the move. I loved video games, but I haven't really played much due to my passion project of being a writer radiated off of me at the time. Though as weeks passed with me doing almost nothing, I eventually started to go back to playing video games. It started to rekindle a lot of my old nostalgia once more... Remembering so many things and what originated my course to try and reach the core of why I always wanted to be a writer...
My very first video game was Legend of Zelda 2 on the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) when I was just a little kid. I didn't own the Super Nintendo, as it was simply a hand-me-down from my brother. And man, did I play the heck out of it! Of course now that I am older, I do realize a lot of the faults in that game. But it was definitely something I still remember fondly of. How proud I was when I finally beat that final boss, practically feeling achieved, stating, "Wow, this is what it must feel like being a real sword fighter!" I was seven when I said that, finally beating such a hard game at that time. While the writing on that game wasn't impressive, it did help me start to enjoy fantasy and stories a lot more than usual. And it only confirmed it upon when I got my first Game Boy and got Pokemon Blue. I played that game to death, that much I know! Getting that first Eevee was definitely something I loved. I didn't quite get into Star Fox, because 'It was too violent' for me, so I only managed to watch my brother play that game. But Pokemon? It definitely resonated with me quite a bit more than I realized. Playing through that game the second time, where I actually started to form a bit of a story. Making that Eevee as the 'Main Character' and everything. It wasn't that boy with the hat I was playing, it was that Eevee. I went as far as having a school buddy of mine trading that Eevee of mine over on my third gameplay, where Jotie was born. I guess in a way, that is how Jotie the Vaporeon was born. I never really thought about it, but it really stuck with me.
I know it is a lot of rambling, but this does bring up a next point while I was thinking about it. It held a lot of passion that I wanted to bring back that feeling once more as a kid... Except on modern games today. And while I do have that same feeling of joy, something always felt off about me playing games. This only grew more apparent when I got my computer officially back up and running once more, in a safe location in my new home... I grew more reclusive.
I distanced myself from all forms of communication. Those I used to talk to, I slowly grew more and more bitter... Depression seem to be more apparent throughout the days, and I don't know why. I always felt happy when playing video games, so why would I also feel depressed? I felt like an empty shell, void of almost not caring about my own well-being. It has grown so bad that... I legitimately started to stop eating for fear that I have been eating too much, just so I can keep playing video games. I even stopped sleeping properly as well, because of it. Those I loved to talk to, I grew too scared to even talk to them. I became more sick physically and emotionally that I even didn't want to say anything that was going on through my mind, so they wouldn't worry about me too much.
My motivation for writing seemed to have slowly dwindled away, just so I can get the newest games coming out, just so I can get that rush of joy filling within me once more, giving me an 'excuse' to talk about something new and hip I suppose. But... the more I started to think about it on why I felt empty, the more I grew into the conclusion today when trying to sleep that I may have an unfortunate addiction to video games.
It is not the video games fault. I do not blame video games at all. I however, do blame myself because I got too ensnared in video games that I forgot what my original path was. I relied on video games so much, that it felt like it is the only thing I am good at. I stopped my dream of becoming a writer, so that I can play video games, trying to be a great gamer. But I don't want to put in the effort of being a streamer, so what does that accomplish in my life? I feel like I am doing nothing, but ruining my career that video games originally put the path for me in the first place. Which is stories...
It took me only today to realize what I have lost, and I got too absorbed into trying to perfect my gameplay, rather than playing a game for the meaning behind it. This is not what I grew up with... I am not a person who wants to play a game to be on the top of the leader boards, but to play a game with a narrative. I shouldn't care so much on trying to be the number one... And yet I ended up making myself focus on that aspect too much that, I forgot so many things...
The crushing reality is: I lost so many important things in my life, which includes those I grew so close to over video games, ever since I lost my computer. And I kept being sucked right back into playing games, losing the meaning behind a good story behind everything, and only looking at the mechanics and numbers behind the games I played. The feeling of guilt weighs even more so heavily than before, as I realized I slowly avoided talking to friends and loved ones for that boost of enjoyment of getting that rare piece of gear I have been going on weeks on end to get. I shouldn't lose the real meaning behind a good story. And I shouldn't lose myself to video games... As those that I share the connection with is higher than some entertainment... I feel sickened that I have fallen this way.
I do not blame video games, as I still clearly enjoy them. They are what set me on the path originally to become a writer. It is also what set me on the path to meet new people from all around the world. Just like coffee and cheesecake, I need to do it in moderation. Too much of a good thing can definitely be detrimental to my health, and even those around me. I do not plan to stop playing video games as a whole, but I do really need to go back to my old roots and be more active upon those I used to be around so much. In hopes that those I am with will forgive me for being so inactive these days. And perhaps one day, rekindle my love for writing once more.
Hope you feel better soon...
I'm glad that you have found a place where you feel welcomed and safe. ^w^
There's nothing to forgive, 'cuz there wasn't anything you did that needs forgiving.
I'm glad you've been good though. And I'm glad at least you're picking to just have moderation, rather than giving up video game completely since, as we can tell, it is at least something you enjoyed. Understandable that you would feel at fault but don't beat yourself up too much. At least you acknowledged it rather than choosing to continue with it. It shows that you value your well-being and dreams and how much you value your connection with those dear to you. I'd say that's a good and....heck, I'll dare say you're already making the first step to beating the addiction.
Maybe giving yourself a schedule might work? Maybe that might be too much work but I imagine it'll help find your balance because your schedule could, maybe, be flexible enough to adjust if needed, while choosing if you need to keep it if, say, you feel you need to push yourself to discipline yourself.
As long as you do what you gotta do while pacing yourself. So that you don't feel burnt out making the effort to establish your balance with video games and others.
I do look forward to your getting back in writing. I'd definitely be interested to read your stories.
Overall, know that I believe you can do it. Rooting for you hon. And you know that I'm around for anything you want.
It is less beating myself up and more aknowledging my mistakes in all honesty. Though you are right about that bit, taking steps in trying to beat an addiction. And I am glad you know what you mean by what I meant.
Indeed, I do believe that I need a more proper schedule, that's for sure. I may have to take time and build a schedule that I can work on and try to focus on it. Hell, I even should only allow a certain number of hour(s) of game time per day, which would probably help with a lot of my issues. I know it won't be set in stone, but you do make good points on making a schedule, and it won't be easy. ^^ But I trust that with help, I will manage it.
Hehe, I am glad! <3
And I'm glad to hear it.