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How to apology.
7 years ago
This isn't motivated by anything, but it's something people get wrong.
A good apology does a few things, and doesn't do a lot of things. Primarily, a good apology makes you feel like shit, look like shit, and drags you through the mud so the other person knows you actually feel bad.
DO:
- Say you're sorry. Boom. That's a gimme.
- Say what you're sorry for.
- Say you didn't mean to cause harm (if you did, admit you're a jackass for intending to)
- Say you won't do it again in the future.
- Say what you should've done instead.
DON'T:
- Bring up the pain point. This just segways Moving On back to The Problem In Action. This does not help anyway.
- Use 'but', 'it's just' or anything like that. A good apology doesn't come with excuses or attempts to discreted the one apologized to. You're admitting fault, so unadmitting it is literally lying about apologizing. It becomes an excuse instead.
- Make it about yourself. An apology is already about you.
- Say "I don't know why you're upset about it" or anything in that direction. It, again, discredits the person you're apologizing too. And that's not what apologies do.
- Make yourself look good. Apologies are about humility.
Good excuse:
I'm sorry for spamming the chat with my angry posts. I understand this makes people upset and ruins the atmosphere and I'll try to avoid doing it again in the future.
Bad apology:
I'm sorry for spamming, but the tensions were running high and they were goading me. It's unreasonable to expect someone to stay calm in those circumstances, even someone as patient as myself.
A good apology does a few things, and doesn't do a lot of things. Primarily, a good apology makes you feel like shit, look like shit, and drags you through the mud so the other person knows you actually feel bad.
DO:
- Say you're sorry. Boom. That's a gimme.
- Say what you're sorry for.
- Say you didn't mean to cause harm (if you did, admit you're a jackass for intending to)
- Say you won't do it again in the future.
- Say what you should've done instead.
DON'T:
- Bring up the pain point. This just segways Moving On back to The Problem In Action. This does not help anyway.
- Use 'but', 'it's just' or anything like that. A good apology doesn't come with excuses or attempts to discreted the one apologized to. You're admitting fault, so unadmitting it is literally lying about apologizing. It becomes an excuse instead.
- Make it about yourself. An apology is already about you.
- Say "I don't know why you're upset about it" or anything in that direction. It, again, discredits the person you're apologizing too. And that's not what apologies do.
- Make yourself look good. Apologies are about humility.
Good excuse:
I'm sorry for spamming the chat with my angry posts. I understand this makes people upset and ruins the atmosphere and I'll try to avoid doing it again in the future.
Bad apology:
I'm sorry for spamming, but the tensions were running high and they were goading me. It's unreasonable to expect someone to stay calm in those circumstances, even someone as patient as myself.
Also, never the "im sorry you got upset" if someone is angry at you. Take responsibility, not deflecting it.