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She's not going to make it
7 years ago
So... my mom's dying.
About two weeks ago, her GP did his bi-yearly home visit, got her blood drawn, all that. She was fine. The next day we sat her in her toilet seat, and when she tried to get up, she couldn't. We had to call paramedics to get her back into her seat. I think that's where it started. The next we called them was to try and get her to the hospital because try as we might she wasn't strong enough to get out of her lift chair, but because she was coherent enough she was able to refuse, and did exactly that, only to have to call the paramedics again the same night because she tried to have us help her up and her knees gave way, and she fell again.
Going forward a week. By this point she's already defecated on herself, and we're doing everything to clean her up. She's also got open sores on her legs and butt... you can probably see where this is going. We called EMTs once again to try and get her to agree to go to the hospital because she was loopy but she managed to retain just enough coherence for them to deem her able to decide for herself, and she again refused.
Finally, two nights ago, she was so out of it, she hadn't eaten more than a few bites of food for a few days and barely had drank anything, and to top that off we were cleaning her and found maggots in the poop that'd fallen on the floor. This time we called her GP, and he was able to convince her to agree to the hospital... or, at least, she wasn't coherent enough to refuse. Either way, they took her in, and the ER staff found her to have necrotic wounds in the spots we couldn't reach to clean her, which resulted in total renal failure and sepsis, as well as her potassium levels being at around 8 (with 3.5 being the acceptable amount). They told us they'd never seen anyone with potassium that high still able to talk and move. Still, they got her clean, sent her to ICU to get her wounds analyzed, and put her on antibiotics and fluids to try and help stabilize her.
This morning we went back to the hospital, and they told us that her wounds were so deep that it went into her fat tissues, meaning that if we elected for it, we could have the surgery done to excise all the necrotic tissue, but it'd leave gaping holes in her that would require her to be transferred to a different hospital that specializes in burns, and would be a long ways away, far enough that we'd never be able to visit her. She'd be in pain and alone for a long time. On top of that she'd have to go through dialysis several times a day due to the renal failure. All of this is assuming she'd even survive the surgery, which she has an incredibly high risk of not living through.
The other option was hospice care, meaning that instead of treating her for the health issues, they'd treat her for the symptoms and just... let her go. It just... this is a fucking horrific choice to make. At the end of the day, we're not choosing between life and death though, we're just choosing how she dies.
All I've ever wanted, ever since she first fell ill, was for my mom to be without pain.
We're going with the hospice care.
There's so many things I want to blame this on right now. I want to blame myself for not being able to do more for her, I want to blame the EMTs for not taking her to the hospital despite her refusal, I want to blame her for not wanting to go and knowing the risks and just not fucking believing it'd happen. But I can't. Everyone's to blame, but at the same time nobody's to blame, because everyone was doing everything they could.
I just... she's not dead yet, but... she's gone. I fucking hate it but she's gone already and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm leaving comments blocked on this one. Everyone who has well wishes, I appreciate them. But right now I can't handle too many more. For now I just have to evolve to fit life without my mom, and I don't know how quickly I'm going to adapt. Maybe never, considering I can't even bear to look at the things she used to use without choking.
I'll be fine, I'm sure of it. For now I'll just live my life as normally as possible, take things as they come. I have a good support system, both locally and online friends. I'm going to make it through.
About two weeks ago, her GP did his bi-yearly home visit, got her blood drawn, all that. She was fine. The next day we sat her in her toilet seat, and when she tried to get up, she couldn't. We had to call paramedics to get her back into her seat. I think that's where it started. The next we called them was to try and get her to the hospital because try as we might she wasn't strong enough to get out of her lift chair, but because she was coherent enough she was able to refuse, and did exactly that, only to have to call the paramedics again the same night because she tried to have us help her up and her knees gave way, and she fell again.
Going forward a week. By this point she's already defecated on herself, and we're doing everything to clean her up. She's also got open sores on her legs and butt... you can probably see where this is going. We called EMTs once again to try and get her to agree to go to the hospital because she was loopy but she managed to retain just enough coherence for them to deem her able to decide for herself, and she again refused.
Finally, two nights ago, she was so out of it, she hadn't eaten more than a few bites of food for a few days and barely had drank anything, and to top that off we were cleaning her and found maggots in the poop that'd fallen on the floor. This time we called her GP, and he was able to convince her to agree to the hospital... or, at least, she wasn't coherent enough to refuse. Either way, they took her in, and the ER staff found her to have necrotic wounds in the spots we couldn't reach to clean her, which resulted in total renal failure and sepsis, as well as her potassium levels being at around 8 (with 3.5 being the acceptable amount). They told us they'd never seen anyone with potassium that high still able to talk and move. Still, they got her clean, sent her to ICU to get her wounds analyzed, and put her on antibiotics and fluids to try and help stabilize her.
This morning we went back to the hospital, and they told us that her wounds were so deep that it went into her fat tissues, meaning that if we elected for it, we could have the surgery done to excise all the necrotic tissue, but it'd leave gaping holes in her that would require her to be transferred to a different hospital that specializes in burns, and would be a long ways away, far enough that we'd never be able to visit her. She'd be in pain and alone for a long time. On top of that she'd have to go through dialysis several times a day due to the renal failure. All of this is assuming she'd even survive the surgery, which she has an incredibly high risk of not living through.
The other option was hospice care, meaning that instead of treating her for the health issues, they'd treat her for the symptoms and just... let her go. It just... this is a fucking horrific choice to make. At the end of the day, we're not choosing between life and death though, we're just choosing how she dies.
All I've ever wanted, ever since she first fell ill, was for my mom to be without pain.
We're going with the hospice care.
There's so many things I want to blame this on right now. I want to blame myself for not being able to do more for her, I want to blame the EMTs for not taking her to the hospital despite her refusal, I want to blame her for not wanting to go and knowing the risks and just not fucking believing it'd happen. But I can't. Everyone's to blame, but at the same time nobody's to blame, because everyone was doing everything they could.
I just... she's not dead yet, but... she's gone. I fucking hate it but she's gone already and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm leaving comments blocked on this one. Everyone who has well wishes, I appreciate them. But right now I can't handle too many more. For now I just have to evolve to fit life without my mom, and I don't know how quickly I'm going to adapt. Maybe never, considering I can't even bear to look at the things she used to use without choking.
I'll be fine, I'm sure of it. For now I'll just live my life as normally as possible, take things as they come. I have a good support system, both locally and online friends. I'm going to make it through.
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