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Getting something off my chest
7 years ago
General
I just want to mention this to those it may concern.
For the past few years, I have been trying to get my life on track after an unfortunate period of drama in my family, which I feel had robbed me of my earliest opportunities to start my life right. During the period in which my parents divorced I felt powerless to be able to do anything I wanted to do; that my parents didn't care about how I felt; and that my parents ultimately cared more about what happened to my sister than me.
Once we moved to where we are now, the first step was to find a job. After a whole year of applying for jobs, I was finally able to find something that payed a small bit over the minimum wage. My parents and their spouses felt as though this was not good enough. My decision to not go to college convinced my mother's husband to instill a $100 rent on me to pay every week, an amount that was very stifling considering I also had car payments and insurance bills to pay.
Now in this year 2018, I had made the decision to try to move into a house with a friend of mine. I continue to pay $100 every week all the while trying to buy food appropriate to my weight loss diet and trying to save what little I can away towards buying a house or apartment.
At first we had four of us friend in our group in which we would try to find a large house to all share responsibilities for, such as keeping the place nice and paying bills. That number soon shrank to three people and then just two, my friend and I. Both of the other two had decided to drop out due to their plans to attend college, which I don’t hold against them.
I have had at least one or two friends offer to room with me, but at a far greater distance from home that I feel comfortable. I have friends and family here I do like to see on a weekly or monthly basis, so it doesn’t seem unreasonable to say that I have certain roots making me want to stay here. One person especially being my grandmother on my biological father’s side, having done so much for me in my life, I would not want to abandon her, as she really doesn’t have many people in her life at her old age. She really enjoys my monthly visits and these feelings of wanting to repay her kindness conflict with my intense desire to move out of this area.
I have previously tried applying to many places around my area to try to get more money to save, but even when called into interviews, nobody had ever contacted me back afterwards; a situation made even more frustrating when me and a friend applied to the same place. He was able to get the job for $11 per hour, full time despite not having any work history.
There are not many options in my area as I live in the middle of the country, with no major cities nearby. So I feel that the only way to get a better job in the first place is to move where there are more jobs; which turns my dilemma into a catch-22. I cannot move away without getting more money, but I cannot make more money without moving away.
For this next statement I would like to preface that I am not trying to guilt anyone, I am merely stating my situation. From this point, I figured that I could maybe try to open commissions as a means of earning extra income. This hasn’t been working out as I assume that my quality of artwork is not up to par with more desirable choices. I’ve tried asking friends to signal boost for me, I’ve tried refining and re-refining my commission list to be more attractive and easy to understand and I’ve tried to properly advertise that my commissions were open. Despite getting a fair amount at the beginning, bills and rent would soon sap any commission money I had saved up.
I feel as though that even my normal, personal work does not interest anybody enough to generate proper feedback and critique. I have tried to look up tutorials on how I can improve my work, but as usual, many tutorials and guides wind up being very assumptive and vague.
Despite having many ideas written down and memorized to start work on a potential webcomic, I feel lost and directionless on where I should start or if I should even try a project of that size.
On top of all this, I have been feeling strongly convinced that I suffer from anxiety as I have frequent episodes of worrying that most or all of my friends and relatives secretly hate me and only treat me nice out of pity, despite the evidence to the contrary, among other symptoms of severe anxiety. These episodes, of course, only seem to intensify more as I fail to see any fast or immediate progress in my life or my art. I fear that these episodes hurt the relationships I have with my friends online.
I feel the potential harm done to my friendships also harms my chances of finding a lover. Almost any of my friends that I have even the most remote interest in dating are either already taken, lives too far away, or has some sort of incompatibility such as their sexual orientation, sexual preferences, different political opinions, difference in hobbies, among other factors.
I’ve tried to branch out and meet new furs online, but so far, as of the making of this journal, my efforts have been to no avail. I have begun to question if it’s something about myself that makes me unappealing, or if I am doing something that is self defeating.
Between all these grievances in my current life, I have been growing more and more depressed. I feel as though my life is spiraling more and more into a trap that I cannot escape from. I feel useless and without any human value.
No workplace wants to hire me,
No person appears to want me as a person or my creations,
Nothing seems to work out for me no matter how hard I try, while everyone else seems to have much more of any combination of success, friends, and romance than I will ever have as I sink further and further into this inescapable tar pit.
At this point in time, I have applied to obtain a credit card, so all I can do is wait for a response.
As I wait tho, I can feel these problems weigh heavy on my mind.
I’m sitting here waiting, waiting, waiting.
I can’t force a place to give me a credit card immediately, so all I can do is wait.
I fear for my future
And as I keep waiting
It seems like my future keeps dwindling and shrinking into nothing
Until I have no future
I don’t want to seem like I’m begging for attention but
If I can’t make any improvements soon
I may have to accept the only escape there is left for me
I’ll leave that to your imagination...
For the past few years, I have been trying to get my life on track after an unfortunate period of drama in my family, which I feel had robbed me of my earliest opportunities to start my life right. During the period in which my parents divorced I felt powerless to be able to do anything I wanted to do; that my parents didn't care about how I felt; and that my parents ultimately cared more about what happened to my sister than me.
Once we moved to where we are now, the first step was to find a job. After a whole year of applying for jobs, I was finally able to find something that payed a small bit over the minimum wage. My parents and their spouses felt as though this was not good enough. My decision to not go to college convinced my mother's husband to instill a $100 rent on me to pay every week, an amount that was very stifling considering I also had car payments and insurance bills to pay.
Now in this year 2018, I had made the decision to try to move into a house with a friend of mine. I continue to pay $100 every week all the while trying to buy food appropriate to my weight loss diet and trying to save what little I can away towards buying a house or apartment.
At first we had four of us friend in our group in which we would try to find a large house to all share responsibilities for, such as keeping the place nice and paying bills. That number soon shrank to three people and then just two, my friend and I. Both of the other two had decided to drop out due to their plans to attend college, which I don’t hold against them.
I have had at least one or two friends offer to room with me, but at a far greater distance from home that I feel comfortable. I have friends and family here I do like to see on a weekly or monthly basis, so it doesn’t seem unreasonable to say that I have certain roots making me want to stay here. One person especially being my grandmother on my biological father’s side, having done so much for me in my life, I would not want to abandon her, as she really doesn’t have many people in her life at her old age. She really enjoys my monthly visits and these feelings of wanting to repay her kindness conflict with my intense desire to move out of this area.
I have previously tried applying to many places around my area to try to get more money to save, but even when called into interviews, nobody had ever contacted me back afterwards; a situation made even more frustrating when me and a friend applied to the same place. He was able to get the job for $11 per hour, full time despite not having any work history.
There are not many options in my area as I live in the middle of the country, with no major cities nearby. So I feel that the only way to get a better job in the first place is to move where there are more jobs; which turns my dilemma into a catch-22. I cannot move away without getting more money, but I cannot make more money without moving away.
For this next statement I would like to preface that I am not trying to guilt anyone, I am merely stating my situation. From this point, I figured that I could maybe try to open commissions as a means of earning extra income. This hasn’t been working out as I assume that my quality of artwork is not up to par with more desirable choices. I’ve tried asking friends to signal boost for me, I’ve tried refining and re-refining my commission list to be more attractive and easy to understand and I’ve tried to properly advertise that my commissions were open. Despite getting a fair amount at the beginning, bills and rent would soon sap any commission money I had saved up.
I feel as though that even my normal, personal work does not interest anybody enough to generate proper feedback and critique. I have tried to look up tutorials on how I can improve my work, but as usual, many tutorials and guides wind up being very assumptive and vague.
Despite having many ideas written down and memorized to start work on a potential webcomic, I feel lost and directionless on where I should start or if I should even try a project of that size.
On top of all this, I have been feeling strongly convinced that I suffer from anxiety as I have frequent episodes of worrying that most or all of my friends and relatives secretly hate me and only treat me nice out of pity, despite the evidence to the contrary, among other symptoms of severe anxiety. These episodes, of course, only seem to intensify more as I fail to see any fast or immediate progress in my life or my art. I fear that these episodes hurt the relationships I have with my friends online.
I feel the potential harm done to my friendships also harms my chances of finding a lover. Almost any of my friends that I have even the most remote interest in dating are either already taken, lives too far away, or has some sort of incompatibility such as their sexual orientation, sexual preferences, different political opinions, difference in hobbies, among other factors.
I’ve tried to branch out and meet new furs online, but so far, as of the making of this journal, my efforts have been to no avail. I have begun to question if it’s something about myself that makes me unappealing, or if I am doing something that is self defeating.
Between all these grievances in my current life, I have been growing more and more depressed. I feel as though my life is spiraling more and more into a trap that I cannot escape from. I feel useless and without any human value.
No workplace wants to hire me,
No person appears to want me as a person or my creations,
Nothing seems to work out for me no matter how hard I try, while everyone else seems to have much more of any combination of success, friends, and romance than I will ever have as I sink further and further into this inescapable tar pit.
At this point in time, I have applied to obtain a credit card, so all I can do is wait for a response.
As I wait tho, I can feel these problems weigh heavy on my mind.
I’m sitting here waiting, waiting, waiting.
I can’t force a place to give me a credit card immediately, so all I can do is wait.
I fear for my future
And as I keep waiting
It seems like my future keeps dwindling and shrinking into nothing
Until I have no future
I don’t want to seem like I’m begging for attention but
If I can’t make any improvements soon
I may have to accept the only escape there is left for me
I’ll leave that to your imagination...
I had a lot of issues getting work going early on too, my first job was minimum as a dishwasher at a restaurant that was very demanding...and I know it's not very comforting to say but it took me years to get to the point a job paid me even somewhat decently - even as the manager of a household that cares for people with multiple disabilities my pay is only $14 hourly and that is not very good for what I actually do. It's really tough out there so please take some comfort in knowing that it isn't just you that struggles today.
As for who YOU are and your art - I have always loved you and your art is very special to me, it looks amazing and I think that anyone who doesn't enjoy it is absolutely jaded. Many of the pieces you put out are absolutely excellent and the fact that you enjoy drawing and love your own art should be enough! You keep doing what you love for yourself and eventually the others will come. In the meanwhile, just try to hold yourself together as best as you can and know that you have people like myself that love and care for you so very, very dearly. We won't let you fall through, hon. Please don't ever forget that.
The past century few centuries with all the progress that has happened, we've become less dependent on God and somehow making it our own "magic" to become a god. All this progress is a mean and a tool- the fact we sill use thing on this Earth means it can die just as easy. And this is why I hate, and I do mean Hate it, is all this Deity Celeb-ish shit that goes around, where nothing can go wrong. While that has been going around since the Beginning, it's now instant dopamine hits- especially in our country.
The reason I say these thing before commenting on your situation is that this is what this Evil world is: it does NOT what you to be good, or to do the right thing. When it comes to that, you shrug, get drunk, rub you dick off to various porn(Or one night stand dates) to fuck the pain away. Past 10 years before 2017 was my life on hold, I've experience some of what you gone through. I never had a job till recently, and I never did get to drive till recently. I have plenty of problems of my family not seeing or listening what I have to say, because, once again, NO ONE ACTUALLY TALKS TO ME. Like it's expected that I am of this light of being just a member of the family, but I'm a thousand times more opinionated in a weird and fubar and Truthful to T views that no one could imagine. All this didn't come out of no where, It's been layering and changing since, well, probably 2007.
With the part of Autophobia, the solution is to talk to people, heck record conversations because that is real and tangible, instead of your mind doubting that it ever happened. You need to say a big loud FUCK YOU to the Autophobia as a means to training you mind in not believing it. I was depressed often when I had to take care of my grandparents, yet when I kept myself busy with stuff, the problems went away, even for a time.
Recently I've read that an Ancient cure that I wouldn't advocate for, but pondered over the principle was the curing of Melancholia/depression/mania/insanity was physical restraint and torture. The principle was that when the mind was stuck by something, it would go a different direction, to "shock" away the condition. That wouldn't be the way to go, but rather, I believe that a hard workout would indeed focus away from the problem.
I'll pray for you everyday. This life was not the way God intended, and the world's rule is not by God. There's a reason why the Garden of Eden, though simple, shows that one act of lying and then rebelling causes some many problems. The angels that fell from God rejected his light, his spirit, them becoming more crazy because they have not seen it since being rejected. They are doomed forever, yet we as humans have the ability to get back in God's graces. No wonder then, that these days are indeed wicked!