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So i need advice
7 years ago
I've been feeling like shit for a long long while. I've been working a job since April of this year and i started out loving it, but slowly things have gotten worse and i don't know why. I feel incredibly depressed and suicidal. Essentially i've been slowly losing my mind and its weird being aware of it. I feel normal, but i feel im growing angrier over time. I feel like everyone is pretending to like me, and people secretly hate me.
Not on here of course but in real life, the reason why i have this fear is rooted deep in my High School experience.
To put it into simplistic terms i had been friends with a girl whom i liked, but she had a boyfriend, i often joked about dating her next because she joked about how she was The girl from Scott Pilgrim, oddly having a long line of ex boyfriends.
One day she told me she had been sexually assualted by her uncle and she'd never do oral because of it. I had also been sexually assualted and i told her online, her boyfriend then told me he'd kick my ass and post my sexual assualt story online.
I told him i'd call the police for blackmail and get him arrested, at this point i took the High Road and convinced him to talk it out with her. He did and things went to normal i felt, but then she turned on me, telling her friends i tried to break them apart and it fucked with me. This put me in a state of depression and self loathing, at this point i had to expose myself as sexually assualted by sharing the text messages between her and myself.
One by one she lost all of her friends trying to convince them i tried to ruin her relationship, i'd have to share my experience with her to those people to be vindicated.
At least in that scenario i knew i was right. Here is different, i've had people at my work i considered to be my best friends lie to me and betray me, some pretending to like me, others calling me lazy when i bust my ass in the back kitchen for 8 hours straight while they lounge around up front at the bar.
And most recently, i had a "best friend" tell me he was concerned for my mental health. But when i finally got better this person got mad at me for simply asking for something small as the placement of something i'd have to clean on one side of the kitchen, and then would say to a friend behind my back, "I want to fucking kill him."
I hate my life and i don't know what to do.
Not on here of course but in real life, the reason why i have this fear is rooted deep in my High School experience.
To put it into simplistic terms i had been friends with a girl whom i liked, but she had a boyfriend, i often joked about dating her next because she joked about how she was The girl from Scott Pilgrim, oddly having a long line of ex boyfriends.
One day she told me she had been sexually assualted by her uncle and she'd never do oral because of it. I had also been sexually assualted and i told her online, her boyfriend then told me he'd kick my ass and post my sexual assualt story online.
I told him i'd call the police for blackmail and get him arrested, at this point i took the High Road and convinced him to talk it out with her. He did and things went to normal i felt, but then she turned on me, telling her friends i tried to break them apart and it fucked with me. This put me in a state of depression and self loathing, at this point i had to expose myself as sexually assualted by sharing the text messages between her and myself.
One by one she lost all of her friends trying to convince them i tried to ruin her relationship, i'd have to share my experience with her to those people to be vindicated.
At least in that scenario i knew i was right. Here is different, i've had people at my work i considered to be my best friends lie to me and betray me, some pretending to like me, others calling me lazy when i bust my ass in the back kitchen for 8 hours straight while they lounge around up front at the bar.
And most recently, i had a "best friend" tell me he was concerned for my mental health. But when i finally got better this person got mad at me for simply asking for something small as the placement of something i'd have to clean on one side of the kitchen, and then would say to a friend behind my back, "I want to fucking kill him."
I hate my life and i don't know what to do.
But yeah, I have...some idea of what this is like, though I don't think I had it as bad. It was the anger that I noticed the most - it tended to be over the smallest of things, and I hated who I was when it happened. Is there any way that you're able to get professional help for this? I think I have CBT files on my comp (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) but it sounds like it'd help to be able to talk about the more targeted potential causes for this. If not, then I'm happy to lend an ear if you want. I know you don't know me, but I don't really want you thinking you're alone, either!