The 27th of Sun's Dusk, Tirdas, 2018 Anno Domini

Five paragraphs for an overdue journal. First, an intro and catch up. I truly am at the point where I realize I am not equipped to help myself out of the rut I oft find myself in time and time again. Thankfully, I do not stand alone, yet it is a weakness of mine to isolate myself. The escape is so much easier and feels so nice in the moment. Such is the lure of instant gratification, and I am honestly addicted to it. It most often takes the form of stories. I can disconnect from myself, my flaws, my problems, my world and leave it all behind. I can forget. This is the path of least resistance, and it sucks.

The rut oft feels like trench. Dark and deep does it delve, reaching the closet most people have. Therein our skeleton and monsters dwell locked far away (or not so far) from our sight (or at least that of others). Some things we wish we could forget, and others we wish we could escape from. Some strike fear into our hearts, but others seem to bind us with chains of regret and failure. It oft seems we're unable to rid ourselves of such terrible (and at times malicious) burdens. They can't be forgotten or hidden. They must be established in the light of day and exposed (this is what counseling is for, then other parts of life follow). I've to stand and face them.

Lurking in our dark depths are other things. Not as terrifying as the skeletons locked away. No, this is much more subtle. Pressure. Not great or necessarily ill-intended, but it's constant and unyielding. This has been my experience with loneliness. It eventually becomes the companionship i desire. I learn to keep myself occupied or keep myself company. Introverted-disposition twisted and stretched. It's not absolute, but it starts like cancer (once more, not lethal or terminal). Something is wrong in a subtle way and messes up what should be. A serious issue develops given the time.

Friends and community stand companions against the dark, even our own dark. Shining the light of "being known" on to the less savory parts of who you are and loving you anyway. This isn't to enable bad habits, but to be understood and loved in spite of them. From such a place, they (friends, family, counselors, etc) can speak truth in love to build you up. Challenging, pushing, prodding, encouraging, listen, speaking, enduring. Together the dark is faced known and banished. What it hid remains and stands in the light of day. It may look as terrifying or unsavory as we'd feared, but it doesn't change the fact we are loved. Suddenly what once felt so big now feels so small (last line is a partial quote of a song from Evan Hansen).

At the end... of this journal, I face grief. Thanksgiving marked what for me is the anniversary of my father's passing. It's been more than half a decade. I am still feeling the emotional tremors. For an unknown reason, my heart has decided to bury it's grief deep. It surfaces, and I make no attempt to smother it. Yet, it doesn't linger and leaves me feeling "unvented" or still full of the grief. In wasting the weekend, I missed an opportunity to open up to someone about it during a time of unusual emotional tenderness. The veil within grew thin. Grief and depression came, but this is a good thing. I am facing what lies buried be it trauma, my skeletons, or unhealthy pressures which have shaped me. At least, I could've of, but now it must wait for the counselor's room. Stack these one on another and you have mental state.