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Christian, Not A Christian, Pagan, Not A Pagan
7 years ago
A buddy of mine is in the Religion department of my local university where quite a few of the teachers are, "recovering Christians." I don't know what the phrase means to them specifically, but I like it. I have my Jesus still, but I have been undergoing the long and terrifying process of re-envisioning what that even means, to have my Jesus.
I was never afraid of hell. But I was terrified of simply being wrong. It is probably what sits at the core of my perfectionism. Which is absurd to me as I find most questions in life are best approached as open-ended. Why not this, too?
I tend to get along better with Pagans, but I also am unable to abandon my Jesus. (You'll note I specify "my" Jesus - yours might not be the same and that's ok by me.) Even when I want to, even when I am angry or impatient or don't understand the big picture. And my Jesus is ok with that, the same way I am ok with my son when he doesn't understand the big picture.
That being said, I also have a huge bent toward what most Christians of my youth would have considered to be Pagan and, "Of the Devil, Bobby," (thanks, Waterboy). This also terrifies me. Largely because I was raised to be Spirit-lead, and my Spirit seems to lead me down most of the trods I was told a good Christian avoids.
I could rant endlessly on this, but I think it is enough to say (for now) that I have my Jesus and I have my Heathen pursuits. I don't consider myself a Christian Pagan or Pagan Christian. The label always seemed silly to me, regardless of relevance.
My apologies if I am vague on the particulars. Speaking openly on the subject has always been a fear of mine. What if Christians attack me for not being properly Christian, or Pagans criticize me for not being properly Pagan?
These days I feel like I am being hollowed out, emptied of what used to hold me back. These fears are growing trivial as I care less about labels and more about substance. More pressing issues stress me beyond concern about definitions of faith, which is perhaps why I find it important to start pushing my boundaries by opening up more.
I believe in Spirit, stories, symbolism, archetypes, dreams, the interconnectedness of all things, and subjective nature of our perceptions of reality. Jesus and I go back like car seats, but I also learn a lot from other sources.
Was that ranty enough?
Thanks for reading,
Vicious
I was never afraid of hell. But I was terrified of simply being wrong. It is probably what sits at the core of my perfectionism. Which is absurd to me as I find most questions in life are best approached as open-ended. Why not this, too?
I tend to get along better with Pagans, but I also am unable to abandon my Jesus. (You'll note I specify "my" Jesus - yours might not be the same and that's ok by me.) Even when I want to, even when I am angry or impatient or don't understand the big picture. And my Jesus is ok with that, the same way I am ok with my son when he doesn't understand the big picture.
That being said, I also have a huge bent toward what most Christians of my youth would have considered to be Pagan and, "Of the Devil, Bobby," (thanks, Waterboy). This also terrifies me. Largely because I was raised to be Spirit-lead, and my Spirit seems to lead me down most of the trods I was told a good Christian avoids.
I could rant endlessly on this, but I think it is enough to say (for now) that I have my Jesus and I have my Heathen pursuits. I don't consider myself a Christian Pagan or Pagan Christian. The label always seemed silly to me, regardless of relevance.
My apologies if I am vague on the particulars. Speaking openly on the subject has always been a fear of mine. What if Christians attack me for not being properly Christian, or Pagans criticize me for not being properly Pagan?
These days I feel like I am being hollowed out, emptied of what used to hold me back. These fears are growing trivial as I care less about labels and more about substance. More pressing issues stress me beyond concern about definitions of faith, which is perhaps why I find it important to start pushing my boundaries by opening up more.
I believe in Spirit, stories, symbolism, archetypes, dreams, the interconnectedness of all things, and subjective nature of our perceptions of reality. Jesus and I go back like car seats, but I also learn a lot from other sources.
Was that ranty enough?
Thanks for reading,
Vicious
That's a great sentiment. As it happens, my friend is doing his dissertation on Norse Pagans in Hawaii, so I've been helping him track people down. We only met a few so far, but as you said, our interactions have been mutually respectful (and super fun!). I've found speaking with them to be really encouraging. I can only imagine fostering these sorts of positive, community-building interactions is more toward what Jesus had in mind when he said love thy neighbor.
Also, on the heathen side of things, it is really affirming to hear similar experiences shared by other folks. And to have people to talk to about the lore who already understand it instead of having to spend time explaining it.
Jesus is reported to have said that you're saved by faith, the Bible doesn't say you're saved by doctrine - although there's an obvious question about quite what you need to have faith in to be saved!
There's a big liberal wing in the church that says everyone is already saved, even non-Christians, and that the point of Christian faith is entering into the peace and fullness of living in communion with God here and now, and helping others to too - such fullness is (purportedly) only properly available through being with other believers which is why Christians meet, but at some point someone confused fullness here with salvation after, and decided that hassling people was better than working to God's agenda.
We're all only human, so we can only pray and trust to God's mercy and assistance to help us reach Him. Finding wise fellow travellers to help us is only sensible.
In my experience, a lot of it boils down to the institution(s) that are very captive to a certain set of doctrines and are fairly devoid of any real spiritual freedom or reason. My Dad went through the same thing for a while and we wound up church hopping, so I got to see a lot of different sects and how they operate. The idea of Christ isn't to put him and yourself into this narrow set of black and white dos and don'ts, it's supposed to be about love and freedom. I think that's why people tend to be more inclined lately to ditch the "Christian" label or augment it with something saying that they like Christ's teachings but not the examples modern "Christians" set forth.
I too am very nervous about coming out to my family about my religious choice, especially since I recently converted a few months ago. I certainly do not judge you for your choice and if your religious choice makes you happy, then more power to you!
As far as telling my family, it took me a long time before I started testing the waters to see how they would react. Recently I spoke with my mom about my changing approach to Jesus. She took it better than I expected, but I also didn't specify to what extent my approach had changed. Still, my mom's had over a decade to decide she doesn't like people judging her, and I think that makes her more open to hearing what I have to say. I imagine I'll have the big Grandma Talk in the next year, as she is the matriarch and most conservative of my family. If I can talk to her about it, I can talk to anyone about it.
Good luck on your path!
Not basing my choices on fear has been the theme of the last few years. It has caused quite a bit of tumult, but I hope after things have finished re-patterning, things will quiet down (at least a little).
It certainly has been a big push for growth!
I consider myself eclectic pagan- I do what spiritual beliefs feel right to me, in my core,without outside influence. My core intrinsic feelings guide what how I shall or shan't practise my belief system. It is very intimate, and very private, and is not measured by what anyone else is doing- not by a church, or a covenant, or a temple. It feels like something precious and fragile. I give thanks to deities that are the patrons of things that I care deeply about. And I look to people for kindness and miraculousness, I see people as ultimately both beautiful and wrathful, and don't see outside influence causing it.
I feel very at peace in that regard. While I am pagan, while I indulge pagan beliefs, I also am fully aware that I cannot prove or be ultimately sure what is and isn't true. So I will remain agnostic by principle regardless of my thoughts and feelings. I'm not afraid of the afterlife because if I am wrong and have pursued the wrong spiritualism, surely my creators made me capable of this ignorance. Nothing I can do but be human.
I also relate when you say you indulge in pagan beliefs while being agnostic in principle. I have learned a lot through studying and contemplating other pantheons. Growing up as a Christian, there was an emphasis that the things of this world will pass away except Christ, which played into why people shouldn't follow other pantheons. And for me, I've found when I am most stressed, other pantheons do fall away and I default to my Jesus. But that doesn't mean I can't learn from other pantheons. When shit hits the fan, I don't pray to my apartment building but I still live in one. In that respect, my pagan interests are also an indulgence. Like a good book!