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Emo Bullshit
16 years ago
I'm tired of being depressed all the time, I'm tired of being anxious, I'm tired of all the tension, I'm tired of thinking people like me when they don't and I don't like how that makes me suspicious of anyone who expresses any sort of kindness towards me, I'm tired of seeing people hurt the people I love but not being allowed (or able to do something), I'm tired of having so many thoughts in my head at once that I can't properly follow any of them, I'm tired of having to put up with abject rudeness, I'm tired of being one of the only people who take responsibility seriously, I'm tired of being ignored when I talk, I'm tired of not being able to focus, I'm tired of not being able to draw for any significant length of time, I'm tired of feeling like nobody really wants me around
I used to be able to produce art every day. EVERY DAY! Now I'm lucky if I can produce something worth half a damn every 6 months. And there's a reason why this is, I can feel it. I can't focus and it hurts (but not in a painful way) and I WANT to draw again, even once a month would be better than what I have now. I just want to be happy again, for more than a few cumulative hours a week. If I'm happy, I can draw, if I have little stress and anxiety I can function OK. My life is all anxiety and I just get so tired of it.
Part of me thinks this is best kept to myself, which is why I rarely talk about it. But the other part of me (the psychologist part?) thinks that I need to be more vocal about it so people know whats going on with me and know why I do the things I do. And so the people who can help know that they're needed. Granted, none of those people read this (which might be why I'm writing this), but I can only do a little bit at a time.
Sorry.
I used to be able to produce art every day. EVERY DAY! Now I'm lucky if I can produce something worth half a damn every 6 months. And there's a reason why this is, I can feel it. I can't focus and it hurts (but not in a painful way) and I WANT to draw again, even once a month would be better than what I have now. I just want to be happy again, for more than a few cumulative hours a week. If I'm happy, I can draw, if I have little stress and anxiety I can function OK. My life is all anxiety and I just get so tired of it.
Part of me thinks this is best kept to myself, which is why I rarely talk about it. But the other part of me (the psychologist part?) thinks that I need to be more vocal about it so people know whats going on with me and know why I do the things I do. And so the people who can help know that they're needed. Granted, none of those people read this (which might be why I'm writing this), but I can only do a little bit at a time.
Sorry.
If you can't think you can't draw something, you might have an art block. Something usual between artists. Just find some new ideas and put them into your art! =3
I know exactly what you're going though, because I could write a book on it all. The constant doubt, the constant second guessing, and the massive struggle to find some meaning in your work, even though a part of you is convinced it's all fatally flawed, somehow. As if the very meaning you're seeking so desparately, can never be found in your work. I know that's not true, because The Mouse Diaries proved it wrong for me.
Artemis Panthar, no matter what happens, I want you to keep one thing in mind. To paraphrase one of my favorite poems, if you look behind you, at the worst points in your life, you'll only see one set of footprints. Because that's where we carried you: Me, UniPrae, Neon Dragon, Taffy, Ashley, and anyone else who really took the time to know you, as the unique and very special lady you are.