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I'm not meant to be happy...
7 years ago
General
...and it's no one's fault but mine.
No matter what, every time I find something or someone that makes me happy, it's not long before it gets ripped away from me somehow. And it's almost always because of something I've said and/or done. And I loathe myself for it.
I WANT to be happy, but part of me feels like I don't deserve it; I find I often go out of my way, be it consciously or subconsciously, to sabotage everything that's making me smile.
Because why should -I- be allowed to be happy? All I ever seem to do is complain about everything and get frustrated about things that are out of my control (even though I always tell others that if something is out of their control and they can't do anything about it, there's no point in getting angry over it; hi, nice to meet you, I'm a hypocrite). I'd like to have just ONE conversation with someone where I'm not complaining about SOMETHING, but my mind has yet to allow that to happen.
I had two wonderful things end this year, and it hurt so much, because I was happy with both of them. The first ended due to distance, and the memory of someone who briefly preceded me, and the second (more recent) ended because I couldn't be patient enough to let them work through their issues. I kept pushing them to change things for ME. I hurt them because I didn't actively listen when they told me multiple times "I'll deal with it when the time comes, please stop pushing and bringing it up". I hurt the first person by falling for the second person after I promised the first person I'd wait for them while they healed from the hurt inflicted by the person before me.
The previous person and I eventually talked things out, and we became friends again, even though I knew they were still hurt over what I done. And they have every right to be. I would never fault them for it.
When things recently ended with the local person, the previous person is the one I went to to vent (stupid and selfish on my part yet again, but I trust them, which is why I went to them; I didn't even consider how it would affect THEM). I lamented being alone once again for Christmas and NYE, and they unselfishly offered to possibly video chat with me those days. Of course I accepted.
We talked continuously throughout this past week, and they even vented to me about someone they were chatting with. I offered my opinion, and they went with it and put their foot down with this person. I was happy things worked out, but I became jealous of this person and the way they were chatting together. I was reassured that nobody was in "competition" with me to begin with, so that kinda made me feel a bit better, and gave me a little hope that maybe the previous person would want to give things another try down the road when things quieted down. (They know my feelings for them are still strong, and always have been.)
Welp, yesterday I was supposed to have an in-depth conversation with the second person when they came to collect their things, and that never ended up happening (and currently won't for yet another two weeks; but they aren't feeling well so that's not their fault). I vented yet again to the first person, and they were gracious enough to hear me out. We then went back to our usual playful mannerisms with each other, which made me smile like crazy. But they were publicly and flirtatiously RP'ing with the person they were originally upset with, so of course...stupid me got jealous again.
I made this known, and got a little passive-aggressive with the first person. And I got abruptly reminded that being passive-aggressive will only push them away, and it's no one else's business how and what kind of affection they show to other people.
And they're right. They're not tied to anyone, and they don't have to answer to anyone. Least of all someone who's already hurt them once.
TO BOTH OF YOU......I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO PUT INTO WORDS HOW SORRY I AM FOR HOW I'VE BEEN TO YOU BOTH THIS YEAR.
So this is me, ladies and gentlemen. Selfish...jealous...paranoid...petty...angry...resentful...and salty (as one person put it).
And I fucking hate that I always end up pushing away people I love for selfish fucking reasons.
The other thing that bothers me, is that everyone always worries about the other person, and how they're feeling, and how they're dealing with things, and that they always like to emphasize how hard that person has things right now.
Yet my feelings get fleetingly acknowledged at best, but that I'M the one that has to change my ways.
So fuck MY feelings I guess...?
But yeah.
This is why I'm not allowed to be happy.
This is why I can't have nice things.
Because I'm selfish and I don't deserve them. At least not at this point.
Merry fucking Christmas and Happy fucking New Years to me.
Again.
No matter what, every time I find something or someone that makes me happy, it's not long before it gets ripped away from me somehow. And it's almost always because of something I've said and/or done. And I loathe myself for it.
I WANT to be happy, but part of me feels like I don't deserve it; I find I often go out of my way, be it consciously or subconsciously, to sabotage everything that's making me smile.
Because why should -I- be allowed to be happy? All I ever seem to do is complain about everything and get frustrated about things that are out of my control (even though I always tell others that if something is out of their control and they can't do anything about it, there's no point in getting angry over it; hi, nice to meet you, I'm a hypocrite). I'd like to have just ONE conversation with someone where I'm not complaining about SOMETHING, but my mind has yet to allow that to happen.
I had two wonderful things end this year, and it hurt so much, because I was happy with both of them. The first ended due to distance, and the memory of someone who briefly preceded me, and the second (more recent) ended because I couldn't be patient enough to let them work through their issues. I kept pushing them to change things for ME. I hurt them because I didn't actively listen when they told me multiple times "I'll deal with it when the time comes, please stop pushing and bringing it up". I hurt the first person by falling for the second person after I promised the first person I'd wait for them while they healed from the hurt inflicted by the person before me.
The previous person and I eventually talked things out, and we became friends again, even though I knew they were still hurt over what I done. And they have every right to be. I would never fault them for it.
When things recently ended with the local person, the previous person is the one I went to to vent (stupid and selfish on my part yet again, but I trust them, which is why I went to them; I didn't even consider how it would affect THEM). I lamented being alone once again for Christmas and NYE, and they unselfishly offered to possibly video chat with me those days. Of course I accepted.
We talked continuously throughout this past week, and they even vented to me about someone they were chatting with. I offered my opinion, and they went with it and put their foot down with this person. I was happy things worked out, but I became jealous of this person and the way they were chatting together. I was reassured that nobody was in "competition" with me to begin with, so that kinda made me feel a bit better, and gave me a little hope that maybe the previous person would want to give things another try down the road when things quieted down. (They know my feelings for them are still strong, and always have been.)
Welp, yesterday I was supposed to have an in-depth conversation with the second person when they came to collect their things, and that never ended up happening (and currently won't for yet another two weeks; but they aren't feeling well so that's not their fault). I vented yet again to the first person, and they were gracious enough to hear me out. We then went back to our usual playful mannerisms with each other, which made me smile like crazy. But they were publicly and flirtatiously RP'ing with the person they were originally upset with, so of course...stupid me got jealous again.
I made this known, and got a little passive-aggressive with the first person. And I got abruptly reminded that being passive-aggressive will only push them away, and it's no one else's business how and what kind of affection they show to other people.
And they're right. They're not tied to anyone, and they don't have to answer to anyone. Least of all someone who's already hurt them once.
TO BOTH OF YOU......I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO PUT INTO WORDS HOW SORRY I AM FOR HOW I'VE BEEN TO YOU BOTH THIS YEAR.
So this is me, ladies and gentlemen. Selfish...jealous...paranoid...petty...angry...resentful...and salty (as one person put it).
And I fucking hate that I always end up pushing away people I love for selfish fucking reasons.
The other thing that bothers me, is that everyone always worries about the other person, and how they're feeling, and how they're dealing with things, and that they always like to emphasize how hard that person has things right now.
Yet my feelings get fleetingly acknowledged at best, but that I'M the one that has to change my ways.
So fuck MY feelings I guess...?
But yeah.
This is why I'm not allowed to be happy.
This is why I can't have nice things.
Because I'm selfish and I don't deserve them. At least not at this point.
Merry fucking Christmas and Happy fucking New Years to me.
Again.
Situations like this are tough to deal with and sometimes when things don't really fall in to place they can be very troubling. I have faith that you'll be able to find someone and find happiness. Lord knows I'm still looking myself. As far as being selfish, everyone has a right to be selfish to a point and there truly is nothing wrong with it so long as it's not taken to an extreme. Jealousy can be an ugly thing, but there is definitely one thing to keep in mind about it, you're human. Humans get jealous. The right person will be able to handle extreme part of jealousy, that's all.
All in all, one thing to take away from this would be that you met some people that aren't the ones for you. There are many people out in the world and when you find the right one, you'll be sure to be happy. ~<3
Sorry if some of this didn't make sense. I'm still groggy from just waking up. XP
As it stands, first person is still mad at me because I got frustrated and passive-aggressive with them over something stupid. I feel like such an asshole 😢