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Real Talk About my Art/ Feral comic (warning long)
7 years ago
These past few months have been weird. Christmas is coming up and my mind is in overdrive right now about where I'm even going, so it's not been all that great. There are many factors I've considered to be the cause but it all boils down to a couple of things that I'm gonna spew out down here.
Before I do though, THIS IS NOT ME DOING A PITY PARTY, THIS IS JUST ME BEING TRANSPARENT ABOUT MY CURRENT SITUATION SINCE IT ALSO PERTAINS TO THE COMIC I'M DOING WHICH A BUNCH OF YOU ENJOY AND GENERALLY ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT. ADVICE IS APPRECIATED, BUT FAIRLY UNNECESSARY.
SO... Let's get that comic out of the way first. It's no secret that I feel like I've regressed in my art. This may not be the case, but my peers are improving at a fucking phenomenal rate and I'm just here, not getting it, not being able to understand tutorials, not finding motivation to experiment with colours and shading and slowly finding this disconnect between my hand and what's happening on screen. As such, commissions have been a struggle, and it's eaten my time that could be used on the comic.
I'm still passionate. I WANT to finish Feral, but I can't at this point in time. Even with all the help and love, I still feel unworthy to do what I'm doing because I physically CANNOT fathom certain things. Lets be real, the backgrounds are sparse and boring, or not even there. Tiziano's club didn't look like a club. It looked like a warehouse with nothing in it and I HATE that. I been taking steps, learning slowly how to do backgrounds, but I can't finalise them, can't make them feel alive because I have no fine motor skills to make the detail. You ever wonder why I do buildings as blocks and nothing else? There's your reason.
I still have to finish a couple of the Feral perk comms and even that has been an uphill struggle as one of the backers can testify to (thankyou so much for being hella cool about it btw and shoutouts to stucat for help). My colouring is fucking whack, nothing seems to coherently stay uniform and it just looks real goddamn amateur when I try to make a background because I don't know how to mood, how to blend, how colours even fuckin' work yo. When it does work, it's luck, not skill. I have no idea of my methods by the end because I've thrown so much paint at it that it finally stuck.
This doesn't mean I won't finish them, it's just that's partially why I've not made another crowdfunding drive for book 5, because I can't honestly do one when I still owe for book 4. As a result I can't sell at Confuzzled because I can't AFFORD to even go, and commissions are my main go to, eating up time. I'd love to make easily attainable books through a print on demand service for people to grab, but haha Lulu can you give me CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS FOR FILE PREP AND STOP TELLING ME THAT MY FILES ARE INCORRECT? Fuck, anyone just wanna do that for me?
My lineart rocks, I'm in no two minds about that, gimme all the sick lines all day, I love it, you love it, we all love it! But it's not enough. I'm dumped into this limbo I can't get out of and it's depressing, demotivating and just plain ass. I've been trying to shift away from the fandom to branch out, but it's not working when my technical environment skill is severely lacking. I want a teacher to sit me down and scream at me to make me do things better, show me the way and tell me I'm on the right path when I do it and it's fresh in my mind what I even DID. I wish I could follow tutorials like everyone else can but I can't concentrate on them, I don't get them and they're for fucking photoshop anyway so I can't work out anything from them.
It's complete bullshit. I have this talent that's being eroded through a lack of motivation because I don't even know what I'm doing wrong when I do it and how I go about either fixing it or learning the method required to do said fixing. It also doesn't help that I'm a 33 year old asshole who is still relying on fairly cheap rent in my parent's old dining room to make amends and live. I don't live close enough to any friends to go out, I don't have the willingness to go out and see a vast majority because I feel I can't even RELATE to most of them, not to mention hahaha anxious stomach problems ruining otherwise good nights. There are no artists in this tiny village and I haven't the cash to see anyone without stressing over borrowing money which I'm still paying back. I can't find peace in walking because I get anxious about work and being alone with my own thoughts is terrible. I am even scared to stream often because I am losing faith in my skill and can't reliably find time to have a fun one without this need to get paid, nor feel I have a personality to be interesting beyond the odd funny noise I guess. I'm a mess right now, but somehow still functioning and still getting commissions, which I am incredibly grateful for.
---
So I've gushed and complained and berated myself, now here's the point where I tell y'all I'm kinda okay. Next year I'm going to have to pull up my pants and accept a shitty day job that I told myself I'll never work at again (I mean breaking down and crying after being threatened with death from a pissed off customer on a bad day which came out of nowhere kinda told me I'm not cut out for retail, and reported for assault from an old manager who was unhinged as all hell made me lose faith in bosses full stop) because I cannot live in my parents house anymore. I can't not have money to do things, I can't not see friends, I can't rely on handouts when I want a new thing to help with work.
When the new year rolls around, I'm gonna have to cut my commissions down severely to make way for real daily grind work. Feral part 5 will be put on indefinite hiatus until I'm ready to do it the justice it deserves. I'm gonna crack this disconnect between stylus and screen, invest in proper equipment that will allow me to take my art to its actual potential. I'll make a goddamn game like I always wanted to in the future, and just break this fucking shell I put around myself at some point. I wanna do a backflip again, where the hell did this sitting down belly come from?
You guys love the stuff I do, but holy crap you all deserve better if only for believing in and enjoying the stuff I do enough to give me life providing pound sterling. So yeah, the commissions reduction is not in effect yet, and I plan to do some more cool little headshot things again at some point to chill out, and I fully intend to finish Feral (there was talk of moving to a webcomic format, and I amused the idea till I realised the amount of work and re doing and adding to the fight scenes will make a constant upload schedule nigh impossible), but I need to unfuck myself.
Like really.
Anyways, here's a heads up and a general honest truth so you guys better get why I'm not here or why I'm starting to falter if any of you guys noticed and are to afraid to say anything. Also shout outs to the one guy who may have forgotten they're giving me money on Patreon. I swear I'll delete that one day.
Also I'll be streaming on Christmas and doing freebies. I don't like the idea of being alone, something that I struggle with and terrifies me as a concept, but I'm lucky to be with a family. The least I can do while we do nothing is to provide for those that just need a little company or a gift that's upliftingly stupid.
So yeah... Thanks <3
Before I do though, THIS IS NOT ME DOING A PITY PARTY, THIS IS JUST ME BEING TRANSPARENT ABOUT MY CURRENT SITUATION SINCE IT ALSO PERTAINS TO THE COMIC I'M DOING WHICH A BUNCH OF YOU ENJOY AND GENERALLY ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT. ADVICE IS APPRECIATED, BUT FAIRLY UNNECESSARY.
SO... Let's get that comic out of the way first. It's no secret that I feel like I've regressed in my art. This may not be the case, but my peers are improving at a fucking phenomenal rate and I'm just here, not getting it, not being able to understand tutorials, not finding motivation to experiment with colours and shading and slowly finding this disconnect between my hand and what's happening on screen. As such, commissions have been a struggle, and it's eaten my time that could be used on the comic.
I'm still passionate. I WANT to finish Feral, but I can't at this point in time. Even with all the help and love, I still feel unworthy to do what I'm doing because I physically CANNOT fathom certain things. Lets be real, the backgrounds are sparse and boring, or not even there. Tiziano's club didn't look like a club. It looked like a warehouse with nothing in it and I HATE that. I been taking steps, learning slowly how to do backgrounds, but I can't finalise them, can't make them feel alive because I have no fine motor skills to make the detail. You ever wonder why I do buildings as blocks and nothing else? There's your reason.
I still have to finish a couple of the Feral perk comms and even that has been an uphill struggle as one of the backers can testify to (thankyou so much for being hella cool about it btw and shoutouts to stucat for help). My colouring is fucking whack, nothing seems to coherently stay uniform and it just looks real goddamn amateur when I try to make a background because I don't know how to mood, how to blend, how colours even fuckin' work yo. When it does work, it's luck, not skill. I have no idea of my methods by the end because I've thrown so much paint at it that it finally stuck.
This doesn't mean I won't finish them, it's just that's partially why I've not made another crowdfunding drive for book 5, because I can't honestly do one when I still owe for book 4. As a result I can't sell at Confuzzled because I can't AFFORD to even go, and commissions are my main go to, eating up time. I'd love to make easily attainable books through a print on demand service for people to grab, but haha Lulu can you give me CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS FOR FILE PREP AND STOP TELLING ME THAT MY FILES ARE INCORRECT? Fuck, anyone just wanna do that for me?
My lineart rocks, I'm in no two minds about that, gimme all the sick lines all day, I love it, you love it, we all love it! But it's not enough. I'm dumped into this limbo I can't get out of and it's depressing, demotivating and just plain ass. I've been trying to shift away from the fandom to branch out, but it's not working when my technical environment skill is severely lacking. I want a teacher to sit me down and scream at me to make me do things better, show me the way and tell me I'm on the right path when I do it and it's fresh in my mind what I even DID. I wish I could follow tutorials like everyone else can but I can't concentrate on them, I don't get them and they're for fucking photoshop anyway so I can't work out anything from them.
It's complete bullshit. I have this talent that's being eroded through a lack of motivation because I don't even know what I'm doing wrong when I do it and how I go about either fixing it or learning the method required to do said fixing. It also doesn't help that I'm a 33 year old asshole who is still relying on fairly cheap rent in my parent's old dining room to make amends and live. I don't live close enough to any friends to go out, I don't have the willingness to go out and see a vast majority because I feel I can't even RELATE to most of them, not to mention hahaha anxious stomach problems ruining otherwise good nights. There are no artists in this tiny village and I haven't the cash to see anyone without stressing over borrowing money which I'm still paying back. I can't find peace in walking because I get anxious about work and being alone with my own thoughts is terrible. I am even scared to stream often because I am losing faith in my skill and can't reliably find time to have a fun one without this need to get paid, nor feel I have a personality to be interesting beyond the odd funny noise I guess. I'm a mess right now, but somehow still functioning and still getting commissions, which I am incredibly grateful for.
---
So I've gushed and complained and berated myself, now here's the point where I tell y'all I'm kinda okay. Next year I'm going to have to pull up my pants and accept a shitty day job that I told myself I'll never work at again (I mean breaking down and crying after being threatened with death from a pissed off customer on a bad day which came out of nowhere kinda told me I'm not cut out for retail, and reported for assault from an old manager who was unhinged as all hell made me lose faith in bosses full stop) because I cannot live in my parents house anymore. I can't not have money to do things, I can't not see friends, I can't rely on handouts when I want a new thing to help with work.
When the new year rolls around, I'm gonna have to cut my commissions down severely to make way for real daily grind work. Feral part 5 will be put on indefinite hiatus until I'm ready to do it the justice it deserves. I'm gonna crack this disconnect between stylus and screen, invest in proper equipment that will allow me to take my art to its actual potential. I'll make a goddamn game like I always wanted to in the future, and just break this fucking shell I put around myself at some point. I wanna do a backflip again, where the hell did this sitting down belly come from?
You guys love the stuff I do, but holy crap you all deserve better if only for believing in and enjoying the stuff I do enough to give me life providing pound sterling. So yeah, the commissions reduction is not in effect yet, and I plan to do some more cool little headshot things again at some point to chill out, and I fully intend to finish Feral (there was talk of moving to a webcomic format, and I amused the idea till I realised the amount of work and re doing and adding to the fight scenes will make a constant upload schedule nigh impossible), but I need to unfuck myself.
Like really.
Anyways, here's a heads up and a general honest truth so you guys better get why I'm not here or why I'm starting to falter if any of you guys noticed and are to afraid to say anything. Also shout outs to the one guy who may have forgotten they're giving me money on Patreon. I swear I'll delete that one day.
Also I'll be streaming on Christmas and doing freebies. I don't like the idea of being alone, something that I struggle with and terrifies me as a concept, but I'm lucky to be with a family. The least I can do while we do nothing is to provide for those that just need a little company or a gift that's upliftingly stupid.
So yeah... Thanks <3
You have family and friends behind you who will help you grow too. We're like the fertilizer and sunshine providing you with warm rays of goodness.
Ok, now I'm just sounding silly, but you get the idea. :P
I've been in this spot before many times, and I have gotten out and learned a lot. I have faith you'll get to where you want to be too. Sometimes that can take a bit of time, and I am glad to hear you are going to take the strides needed to get there. *hugs* All the best to you and your endeavors! We're here for you! <3
I've always enjoyed your artwork (still do), and I love popping into your streams whenever I can, they are a blast! :3 I look forward to seeing what you'll share with us as you grow too! ^_^
Meanwhile I still haven't started my comic regardless of what I've promised myself, since I keep changing I'm afraid it'll look different page by page - new attempt soon.