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Hate and other certaintys
16 years ago
General
dicks. Another useless week.
I'm going to start learning to drive soon. I booked my knowledge test yesterday and I got the Road Users Handbook. I'm getting just as paranoid about it as I do about everything now-a-days. It keeps telling me how much of a dick i am for being young and how i'm causing all the accidents on the roads, and as much as i know that its the dicks and the frat boys and the jocks who are the ones raising those statistics, if someone tells you your doing something over and over again your going to start believing it.
This all goes back to my own mortality. I can't comprehend my own death and I try and rationalize it and shrug it off and sometimes I'm fine with it and I feel as though I could just lay down and die right there theres the other days where it scares me into a shivering wreck and I sit wraped up in my blanket hugging a pillow. I don't know how to get around the fear and I start fearing I never will. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow, I usually do.
The thought of knowing a mood will pass and the ability and convince yourself that your being delusional scares me just as much, I always thought that if I acknowledged something it would disappear. If I release it then it will just fly off and even if it returns again I would know how to release it but you learn that you're not in control of these things and that when you're in a mood that mood and mindset dosen't shift until it wants to.
I feel like there's multiple systems working within me. I've always felt like that and I think everyone feels like that and we've associated them with certain things like, your heart speaks, your brain speaks, your body speaks etc
Sometimes you can feel the right side of your brain working more over the left and vice versa. You can notice your muscles working more then your mind or your heart taking over from your conscious thoughts. I find it hard to find my identity amongst these things as they all specialize in different contexts. I want to know if I can control the states I go between or not. If its just the natural cycle of things or if its environmentally or otherwise influenced.
I have no idea what to expect from myself or what I can do really. Common sense changes between the mindsets, morals change. How can I be consistent unless I actively stick to a set of predetermined rules and ethics. I don't think I want to is what it boils down to. So why complain? I have no idea, i'm just confused and scared and anxious. This could all end tomorrow for all I know :0
I'm going to start learning to drive soon. I booked my knowledge test yesterday and I got the Road Users Handbook. I'm getting just as paranoid about it as I do about everything now-a-days. It keeps telling me how much of a dick i am for being young and how i'm causing all the accidents on the roads, and as much as i know that its the dicks and the frat boys and the jocks who are the ones raising those statistics, if someone tells you your doing something over and over again your going to start believing it.
This all goes back to my own mortality. I can't comprehend my own death and I try and rationalize it and shrug it off and sometimes I'm fine with it and I feel as though I could just lay down and die right there theres the other days where it scares me into a shivering wreck and I sit wraped up in my blanket hugging a pillow. I don't know how to get around the fear and I start fearing I never will. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow, I usually do.
The thought of knowing a mood will pass and the ability and convince yourself that your being delusional scares me just as much, I always thought that if I acknowledged something it would disappear. If I release it then it will just fly off and even if it returns again I would know how to release it but you learn that you're not in control of these things and that when you're in a mood that mood and mindset dosen't shift until it wants to.
I feel like there's multiple systems working within me. I've always felt like that and I think everyone feels like that and we've associated them with certain things like, your heart speaks, your brain speaks, your body speaks etc
Sometimes you can feel the right side of your brain working more over the left and vice versa. You can notice your muscles working more then your mind or your heart taking over from your conscious thoughts. I find it hard to find my identity amongst these things as they all specialize in different contexts. I want to know if I can control the states I go between or not. If its just the natural cycle of things or if its environmentally or otherwise influenced.
I have no idea what to expect from myself or what I can do really. Common sense changes between the mindsets, morals change. How can I be consistent unless I actively stick to a set of predetermined rules and ethics. I don't think I want to is what it boils down to. So why complain? I have no idea, i'm just confused and scared and anxious. This could all end tomorrow for all I know :0
and we all had a good laugh about your INCOMPETENCE
you will be the best driver ever
you are one of the only people I know that I would get in a car with if you were driving unless you were SMOKING FAT CONES in which case I would just lol as you drove up a rainbow and crashed into a magic wall
"sometimes I'm fine with it and I feel as though I could just lay down and die right there "
this is what scares me most because it makes me realise that who I am is completely relative to the situation.
I'd never say I didn't fear death but there have been times where I've thought "why am I scared of death? I wouldn't mind dying."
how can I have two completely conflicting attitudes to something that means so much to me?
BRAIN CAN'T BRAIN HEART THINK LOVE MACHINE
so yeah I can talk about myself for a bit longer if you like
after all everything is about me especially your journals