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Fuck myself
16 years ago
::..Don't.You.Just.Hate.It..::
Commission progress:
thespiralaim -Paid-30%
crazyguy36 -specialcirumstances-80%-0%
Commission progress:
thespiralaim -Paid-30%
crazyguy36 -specialcirumstances-80%-0%(warning: if you don't like angst, don't read this, and fuck off.)
Don't ask me why I'm writing this, i don't even know. in fact, i don't know a lot of things anymore. i'm done. done with life, done with love, done with happiness, done with living. My heart and soul are caged in iron and constantine wire, hurting everyone that tries to get close.
I'm a failure, a wretch and barely recognisable as a part of the human race. I am nothing, worth less than the carbon by-product cast off from my lungs. it's sad really, that my mind is so clouded that i can't put together two coherent thoughts anymore. the voices, they don't stop talking. ever. it's war in my head, and i can do nothing to still it. they sleep only when i sleep, and otherwise they do nothing but make noise. there's so many now that i can't even listen in, i just end up with a hiss of voices, like the murmur of voices in a conference room during a break, or in the middle of a subway, where everyone is on their phone in their own unrelated conversation.
I'm seeing shadows and demons again. they used to be out of the corner of my eye, and i might get a glance of one, but when i blinked, it would disappear. now they leer at me, never fading, always present. it's making me nervous, paranoid. i hardly speak louder than a mumble just from being on constant edge from them.;
My personality shifts are getting more frequent, and more powerful. I'll find myself at the end of the day trying to recall what had happened, and find large portions of time that i just can't remember. Sometimes, i just black out and even days can pass before i realize what's happening again.
My mood swings are growing. I just snapped at a good friend of mine for asking an honest question, when i had been happy just an hour before. Someone i care for left me, though i can't say i really blame her. The military had put me on a few surprise details before starting an event that left me away from a proper internet connection for nearly a month. I could get on FA alright, with the computers at work. I could even submit my stuff by bringing my laptop to work and using a data stick to transfer images. But i can't use internet for my laptop at work, and the internet at the barracks was not working, and i didn't have the time to fix it. there are other things, my absent mindedness, me making promises that i couldn't remember, and couldn't keep. i know i fucked up, but i can't help but want to just lay down and die.
I'm in trouble with my work as well. I've been working roughly 15 hours a day with no days off this month, coupled with a few double shifts, and absolutely no leave. We often have to stay for several extra hours because someone wants something done on a whim. I feel like i am nothing more than a slave, and they punish me for things that they did to me.
I have a bit of a joint problem, and they know about it. At one of the physical training sessions that they had, my pain level was at about 8 out of 10 before we even started. I did everything they said, and even did better than some people, but because i didn't do as good as i always do, they are going to give me 14 days of extra duties and 14 days confinement.
People don't like me. I used to be an amiable person, before i joined. My Bf and the time could only watch in horror as i degraded into the thing i am now. I am broken, perhaps physically, but definately mentally. i have nothing left to give, and now life seems worthless.
I learned just before i started writing this, that my grandmother is in the ICU for cardiac arrest. they can't help her until her white blood cell count goes down or something like that, because of some lung infection. and as my mother told me, i felt nothing. NOTHING. I love my grandmother very dearly, yet i can't bring myself to care anymore. I want to though. I want to feel. I want to be alive. I hate this. I'm nothing but an empty husk, going through the motions every day while trying not to go even farther off the deep end as the voices get worse.
I'm starting to get visions of violence too. and bursts of anger. I'll get absolutely furious for no reason, and then i'm struck with sudden images of me doing the most horrible things to people.
I never knew i was quite that violent.
My memories are perhaps the worst. they change so often, i don't know what's real. they disappear so often, i can't remember what i had for lunch yesterday. Things that didn't happen just appear, and i don't know why.
When i was younger, i would live out entire lives in my dreams. It was strange really, i don't know how it happened. I would lay down one night, and i would actually live a few years in some distant land in my head, and when i wake up, it may take me days to remember who i was in the real world. I have laughed, lived, loved, lost. I remember one time i had sulked and cried for weeks, because of one of my other lives. it wreaks havoc on my mind to think of it now, how deeply i loved that other person, and to see them die in front of me, to go through despair and greive, and then find out that they never even existed in the first place. It's maddening.
I feel that i need the aproval of everyone around me. i want people to not hate me. it seems selfish, after how horrible i am, but i can't help it. I can't help but feel horribly dejected whenever someone cracks a joke, i can't take it anymore.
I think i am done, i can't remember what else there was anymore. I can't really remember much of anything right now. i'm just... i'm not okay. i've tried drawing, and can't come up with anything that isn't twisted and sick.
I need help. I am going to get help, but i'm not sure if i can wait until my appointment before i do something that can never be undone.
Don't ask me why I'm writing this, i don't even know. in fact, i don't know a lot of things anymore. i'm done. done with life, done with love, done with happiness, done with living. My heart and soul are caged in iron and constantine wire, hurting everyone that tries to get close.
I'm a failure, a wretch and barely recognisable as a part of the human race. I am nothing, worth less than the carbon by-product cast off from my lungs. it's sad really, that my mind is so clouded that i can't put together two coherent thoughts anymore. the voices, they don't stop talking. ever. it's war in my head, and i can do nothing to still it. they sleep only when i sleep, and otherwise they do nothing but make noise. there's so many now that i can't even listen in, i just end up with a hiss of voices, like the murmur of voices in a conference room during a break, or in the middle of a subway, where everyone is on their phone in their own unrelated conversation.
I'm seeing shadows and demons again. they used to be out of the corner of my eye, and i might get a glance of one, but when i blinked, it would disappear. now they leer at me, never fading, always present. it's making me nervous, paranoid. i hardly speak louder than a mumble just from being on constant edge from them.;
My personality shifts are getting more frequent, and more powerful. I'll find myself at the end of the day trying to recall what had happened, and find large portions of time that i just can't remember. Sometimes, i just black out and even days can pass before i realize what's happening again.
My mood swings are growing. I just snapped at a good friend of mine for asking an honest question, when i had been happy just an hour before. Someone i care for left me, though i can't say i really blame her. The military had put me on a few surprise details before starting an event that left me away from a proper internet connection for nearly a month. I could get on FA alright, with the computers at work. I could even submit my stuff by bringing my laptop to work and using a data stick to transfer images. But i can't use internet for my laptop at work, and the internet at the barracks was not working, and i didn't have the time to fix it. there are other things, my absent mindedness, me making promises that i couldn't remember, and couldn't keep. i know i fucked up, but i can't help but want to just lay down and die.
I'm in trouble with my work as well. I've been working roughly 15 hours a day with no days off this month, coupled with a few double shifts, and absolutely no leave. We often have to stay for several extra hours because someone wants something done on a whim. I feel like i am nothing more than a slave, and they punish me for things that they did to me.
I have a bit of a joint problem, and they know about it. At one of the physical training sessions that they had, my pain level was at about 8 out of 10 before we even started. I did everything they said, and even did better than some people, but because i didn't do as good as i always do, they are going to give me 14 days of extra duties and 14 days confinement.
People don't like me. I used to be an amiable person, before i joined. My Bf and the time could only watch in horror as i degraded into the thing i am now. I am broken, perhaps physically, but definately mentally. i have nothing left to give, and now life seems worthless.
I learned just before i started writing this, that my grandmother is in the ICU for cardiac arrest. they can't help her until her white blood cell count goes down or something like that, because of some lung infection. and as my mother told me, i felt nothing. NOTHING. I love my grandmother very dearly, yet i can't bring myself to care anymore. I want to though. I want to feel. I want to be alive. I hate this. I'm nothing but an empty husk, going through the motions every day while trying not to go even farther off the deep end as the voices get worse.
I'm starting to get visions of violence too. and bursts of anger. I'll get absolutely furious for no reason, and then i'm struck with sudden images of me doing the most horrible things to people.
I never knew i was quite that violent.
My memories are perhaps the worst. they change so often, i don't know what's real. they disappear so often, i can't remember what i had for lunch yesterday. Things that didn't happen just appear, and i don't know why.
When i was younger, i would live out entire lives in my dreams. It was strange really, i don't know how it happened. I would lay down one night, and i would actually live a few years in some distant land in my head, and when i wake up, it may take me days to remember who i was in the real world. I have laughed, lived, loved, lost. I remember one time i had sulked and cried for weeks, because of one of my other lives. it wreaks havoc on my mind to think of it now, how deeply i loved that other person, and to see them die in front of me, to go through despair and greive, and then find out that they never even existed in the first place. It's maddening.
I feel that i need the aproval of everyone around me. i want people to not hate me. it seems selfish, after how horrible i am, but i can't help it. I can't help but feel horribly dejected whenever someone cracks a joke, i can't take it anymore.
I think i am done, i can't remember what else there was anymore. I can't really remember much of anything right now. i'm just... i'm not okay. i've tried drawing, and can't come up with anything that isn't twisted and sick.
I need help. I am going to get help, but i'm not sure if i can wait until my appointment before i do something that can never be undone.
crazyguy36
~crazyguy36
I have alot fo the same issues. Actually surprsied to find your mind troubles you alot the same way mine does me. The difference tho is, I dont get angry, or hate others. I get sad and hate myself. Normally when you see me starring into nothing, no particular object... a that moment Im not there anymore, thats me losing touch with reality. Ok, see u got me to tell you something damn it, are you happy now TT^TT
TwistedStyx
~twistedstyx
OP
The thing about me, is that i am an extremely violent person. I have a hormonal imbalance that makes me prone to fits of rage. I induce a sort of self-hypnosis that makes me more absent minded. And now that I am stable for the moment, I can actually see part of why i am the way i am. whatever.
crazyguy36
~crazyguy36
Im just as fucking crazy as the next crazy person. I have two personalities, one was dormant for awhile until recently. I see shit in the corner of my eyes and it doesnt always dissappear when I look right at it, I've seen death float across a shadow and a hand come out of a blackhole that appeared right infront of my eyes. I dont mind it soo much, it makes life interesting...especially when I demon runs at me from the side and as I brace for impact he dissappears and my friends are like, " Are you okay dude?" Wow those were some good times.
TwistedStyx
~twistedstyx
OP
Yeah, you were telling me about that. You told me quite a few things actually. x.X
crazyguy36
~crazyguy36
I dont think I told you specifically what I saw tho.
