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A small retrospective of 2018, and the Future.
7 years ago
General
So, had a long day at work. Then again, when do I not? Haha! Well, anyhow, this is a journal I feel like posting as I think about everything that has led up to this point in time, and what the next year brings for me.
Though, to say the least, 2018 was preeeetty shit. But with the bads, did come the goods. And some of the good were amazing.
When I look back at the full year, really, several key moments stand out -- The moments of extreme isolation I fought day by day (which eventually lead to a breakdown of sorts), my moment of realization of my financial independence, and of course, the many trips I took throughout the year. I can also look back and see some dreams, crushed to absolute dust -- but others, starting to truly shine. So I'll be covering each one, to air my thoughts out, quietly thinking about a lot of the things that brought me to 2019.
The isolation
Moving to a new location is never too hard for me, as I've drifted quite a lot in my life. But this was probably the most challenging yet -- I moved into a place where I was more or less isolated from everyone and everything, with only a roommate who I met online help me through the worst. I dropped my goal and ambition of going to school in Texas for a game development program that looked extremely promising, instead opting to follow this roommate to the sunny state of Arizona. But the first difficulties were before even 2018 came around -- I had to pay rent from both the place I left, and the place I was going to, and there were no exceptions! It drained my bank quickly, and left me scrambling and anxious for a job. But eventually, one was secured, and I started working full time. Come the start of 2018, though, relationships soured with the roommate, and things quickly took a downhill turn for me as I was more and more isolated with each day, the roommate having taken efforts to cut me from their life and to turn my own words against me.
To say the least, the early to middle months of 2018 were the worst in my life. Each day I woke up wondering if I would even be noticed, instead of an invisible object in the scenery. Countless times, I would come home and find that I would have to fend for myself in terms of food and social life, already crippled with the fact I do not own a car. My needs were always very simple -- Attention, and food. But these were not even satisfied, or met. I felt incredibly hopeless, and powerless, under the thumb of someone that didn't care for me, and made every effort to make my own home and environment hostile without outright removing me. It drove me to the point of thinking about suicide twice. The second time, I called the Suicide Hotline. My older brother eventually pulled me out of my slump.
The realization
The second half of 2018 was more favorable, with a new roommate coming in and the old one leaving. Though it was rocky, life normalized at this point, and I realized here that I was truly, fully, on my own. I did not know this new roommate - It was the old one's friend. I had no support nearby in this city -- I was alone and a stranger, and there was no safety net. But, the feeling of knowing that my own two hands are finally getting myself up on my feet -- That is a feeling that continues to drive me. Financial independence from others is a hell of a drug for someone who lacks a degree and has lived nearly paycheck to paycheck for half a decade.
The trips
I went to my first Blizzcon ever in the later months, and it turned out to be one of the biggest letdowns in Blizzcon's history from what I am told. This is not a convention I would go back to personally, as the price and the crowds were too much for me. The people I met though, were folk I won't forget any time soon. And I brought another roommate in to help pay the bills. However, this turned out unfavorably, as they were not able to get income, draining my own funds. Still, the fact I have such power to try to help others, is incredibly nice. Overall though, I did take trips multiple times this year to meet someone I care for greatly. To see their face light up when I gave them a gift I truly thought meant something... I don't think I could ever ask for a better gift back. I cherish that moment.
At the final day, I find myself spending a significant amount of time working. Its been my life, though not my fulfillment. Its draining, its dull, and incredibly repetitive. But, it is what keeps me in an apartment, and what lets me pay bills, and puts money into my bank to store up for the next adventure I have.
So why talk about all this? Why post a journal? Who is going to read this? To be frank, I don't think anyone is. No one needs to. Its a journal for me to simply air out my thoughts, after all. But, I have learned this year, most importantly: Stand up on your own. I have spent so many years wanting to please others, and to make friends, that I never did try to focus on myself so entirely. But, after the events I endured this year, I have learned to help myself first. It is an incredibly hard lesson to learn, truth be told. You will hurt people. You will make others cry. You may come off as heartless or mean. But, if I did not care for myself first and foremost, I might not be alive today. Don't be pressured into doing things you don't want to do. Don't go seeking things you hate to gain the approval of others. Don't fit yourself into a circle that doesn't accept you to begin with. Move on. Do your own thing. Lets people come to you. I have finally stood up, and the view is better than I expected. I thought I needed the support of friends to do anything. In reality, you only need yourself. Your friends will come to support you.
So, what does all that mean for me in the future? Simple, really.
I'll keep working. Day job is important. I don't like it, but I accept it as my reality for now, and will continue to do so until other things turn.
I'll also, as some may have been wanting to hear, continue to work on Gluttony. Gluttony has been an extremely personal project for me, to prove to myself that I -can- do something on my own... and release my own fully developed game. Its been in development for a long time now, but its finally getting traction. People are starting to notice. And with this, I might even be able to look into getting funding for it other than my own paychecks. A full on beta release is expected this year. Maybe... Gluttony can be my ticket out of my day job. Its a fat chance, and a shot for a moon, but better to have tried than to never see what could happen, right?
I will also continue to seek friendships and loves. But, I will not let myself be dependent upon them. There are some out there that know I care for them immensely. This doesn't mean, however, I will give up my own ambitions for them. At least, not anymore. I'm ready to do things the way I intend. And not bend just for some time with someone. I will fight my loneliness as best I can, but ultimately, I will do what I think is best for -me-.
2019 is looking to be a year where I will remain where I am. But, at the same time, it looks to be a year where I will finally spread my wings, and take proper flight. Maybe I will see you in the skies?
See you all in the new year.
Though, to say the least, 2018 was preeeetty shit. But with the bads, did come the goods. And some of the good were amazing.
When I look back at the full year, really, several key moments stand out -- The moments of extreme isolation I fought day by day (which eventually lead to a breakdown of sorts), my moment of realization of my financial independence, and of course, the many trips I took throughout the year. I can also look back and see some dreams, crushed to absolute dust -- but others, starting to truly shine. So I'll be covering each one, to air my thoughts out, quietly thinking about a lot of the things that brought me to 2019.
The isolation
Moving to a new location is never too hard for me, as I've drifted quite a lot in my life. But this was probably the most challenging yet -- I moved into a place where I was more or less isolated from everyone and everything, with only a roommate who I met online help me through the worst. I dropped my goal and ambition of going to school in Texas for a game development program that looked extremely promising, instead opting to follow this roommate to the sunny state of Arizona. But the first difficulties were before even 2018 came around -- I had to pay rent from both the place I left, and the place I was going to, and there were no exceptions! It drained my bank quickly, and left me scrambling and anxious for a job. But eventually, one was secured, and I started working full time. Come the start of 2018, though, relationships soured with the roommate, and things quickly took a downhill turn for me as I was more and more isolated with each day, the roommate having taken efforts to cut me from their life and to turn my own words against me.
To say the least, the early to middle months of 2018 were the worst in my life. Each day I woke up wondering if I would even be noticed, instead of an invisible object in the scenery. Countless times, I would come home and find that I would have to fend for myself in terms of food and social life, already crippled with the fact I do not own a car. My needs were always very simple -- Attention, and food. But these were not even satisfied, or met. I felt incredibly hopeless, and powerless, under the thumb of someone that didn't care for me, and made every effort to make my own home and environment hostile without outright removing me. It drove me to the point of thinking about suicide twice. The second time, I called the Suicide Hotline. My older brother eventually pulled me out of my slump.
The realization
The second half of 2018 was more favorable, with a new roommate coming in and the old one leaving. Though it was rocky, life normalized at this point, and I realized here that I was truly, fully, on my own. I did not know this new roommate - It was the old one's friend. I had no support nearby in this city -- I was alone and a stranger, and there was no safety net. But, the feeling of knowing that my own two hands are finally getting myself up on my feet -- That is a feeling that continues to drive me. Financial independence from others is a hell of a drug for someone who lacks a degree and has lived nearly paycheck to paycheck for half a decade.
The trips
I went to my first Blizzcon ever in the later months, and it turned out to be one of the biggest letdowns in Blizzcon's history from what I am told. This is not a convention I would go back to personally, as the price and the crowds were too much for me. The people I met though, were folk I won't forget any time soon. And I brought another roommate in to help pay the bills. However, this turned out unfavorably, as they were not able to get income, draining my own funds. Still, the fact I have such power to try to help others, is incredibly nice. Overall though, I did take trips multiple times this year to meet someone I care for greatly. To see their face light up when I gave them a gift I truly thought meant something... I don't think I could ever ask for a better gift back. I cherish that moment.
At the final day, I find myself spending a significant amount of time working. Its been my life, though not my fulfillment. Its draining, its dull, and incredibly repetitive. But, it is what keeps me in an apartment, and what lets me pay bills, and puts money into my bank to store up for the next adventure I have.
So why talk about all this? Why post a journal? Who is going to read this? To be frank, I don't think anyone is. No one needs to. Its a journal for me to simply air out my thoughts, after all. But, I have learned this year, most importantly: Stand up on your own. I have spent so many years wanting to please others, and to make friends, that I never did try to focus on myself so entirely. But, after the events I endured this year, I have learned to help myself first. It is an incredibly hard lesson to learn, truth be told. You will hurt people. You will make others cry. You may come off as heartless or mean. But, if I did not care for myself first and foremost, I might not be alive today. Don't be pressured into doing things you don't want to do. Don't go seeking things you hate to gain the approval of others. Don't fit yourself into a circle that doesn't accept you to begin with. Move on. Do your own thing. Lets people come to you. I have finally stood up, and the view is better than I expected. I thought I needed the support of friends to do anything. In reality, you only need yourself. Your friends will come to support you.
So, what does all that mean for me in the future? Simple, really.
I'll keep working. Day job is important. I don't like it, but I accept it as my reality for now, and will continue to do so until other things turn.
I'll also, as some may have been wanting to hear, continue to work on Gluttony. Gluttony has been an extremely personal project for me, to prove to myself that I -can- do something on my own... and release my own fully developed game. Its been in development for a long time now, but its finally getting traction. People are starting to notice. And with this, I might even be able to look into getting funding for it other than my own paychecks. A full on beta release is expected this year. Maybe... Gluttony can be my ticket out of my day job. Its a fat chance, and a shot for a moon, but better to have tried than to never see what could happen, right?
I will also continue to seek friendships and loves. But, I will not let myself be dependent upon them. There are some out there that know I care for them immensely. This doesn't mean, however, I will give up my own ambitions for them. At least, not anymore. I'm ready to do things the way I intend. And not bend just for some time with someone. I will fight my loneliness as best I can, but ultimately, I will do what I think is best for -me-.
2019 is looking to be a year where I will remain where I am. But, at the same time, it looks to be a year where I will finally spread my wings, and take proper flight. Maybe I will see you in the skies?
See you all in the new year.
Happy New Year <3