For the last month, I've felt constant fear...not just fear, but horror. A deep, visceral fear and now it's like whenever I enjoy anything, it will stop, and I'm completely overtaken by a dark, terrible emotion, and dark thoughts of evil...or nothing. I feel like old age is right behind the corner...I feel like there is no meaning, no permanency. All kinds of conflicting things, terrible but conflicting things, run through my mind because my emotions are taking over. I fear for myself, and for everyone, even people I despise. Even animals. Especially my animals..my friends, my family...those already dead, those who haven't been born, those who don't even exist. I watched a thriller film a few days ago, and felt just as much horror and despair for people who aren't even real as I do with anyone else. I feel the same for my characters, everyone's characters...

I want it to stop. It won't stop. I've talked. I've drawn. I've been more sweet and friendly than ever before. I've tried forgetting and living my life. I'm meditated. I've slept. I've masturbated. I've fantasized. I've listened to music. I've done everything I do, everything I enjoy. But it won't stop. It won't FUCKING STOP...And I've felt a constant sickness along with the fear. Constantly like I want to throw up. Going to the bathroom a lot more recently. It won't FUCKING...STOP

My grandpa has a story, that when his son, my uncle, had a horrible brain injury, there was an angel. With him in the hospital was an Asian nurse. She stayed all night. My uncle died. He went to the White, but was stopped by his grandfather. "They've got big plans for you there. It's not your time." He said. Michael then came back to life. By the end of the night, my grandparents had left. They came back the next day, and all the nurses were there. My grandpa wanted to thank the nurse that kept his son alive. "There's no Asian nurses here." They said. One girl was brought up and she said she took care of their son. They had no idea who this woman was. She wasn't Asian. She wasn't the lady there that night...

I've accepted God. I've accepted angels. I've accepted heaven. It makes sense. The big bang needed a mover. The original mover. And there has to be one, solitary being above all others. There is no "everything" without a "something". One, singular, original mover. There is God. The story tells me, that there are angels. Why would there need to be angels without a Heaven, a repository for the angels, and all the things ever created in any way? Rationally, with my head. I'm at peace. I feel better. But, my heart, the emotions. They say horrible things, and make me afraid...

I will see a therapist for the first time in several years. It's a nice lady, but I never saw her after the first few visits since I was getting better anyway. I will go to no other yet, for the ones before her were terrible to me...I will also pray to God. Maybe an angel will heal me, and help me enjoy life again. Feel alive at all. Be more like who I was before this last 33 days. These 33 days of constant torture and agony and horror. I want to be relieved of that.

I've never thought about these things seriously, always at a distance, with just my head, no heart. It didn't hurt. Now my heart is out of control. I need it to be reigned in, so make it stop trying to hurt me.