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Update and what not (venting so whatever)
6 years ago
Well new job and such this year, better pay and hopefully more financial freedom. Guess it makes me happier? Well not 100% true, makes things easier yeah but find myself struggling to keep myself in check, retail is draining really...yet its all I know so thats a thing
Art wise, well I still enjoy it, really is a good thing when I'm not sleep deprieved, can never seem to catch enough sleep no matter what I do,
Heads a mess most the time, lock onto stupid thoughts, feel like I have still have a bad rep, people I'd like to re-connect with yet feel it be wasted, that I'd just be a 'oh fuck its him' like am I really that intrusive to others? Maybe looking too much into it.
I've made plenty of mistakes and I don't feel its going to get better, I have no concentration unless it absorbs me, freetime from work is just wasted effort, and yet its all self inflicted. I don't better myself, I don't change or adapt, I just stick, sometimes wish I could have the decency to end it all, instead of being a drain on everything and everyone. That, that statement alone is incredibly wrong but in my head its logical, I can't change, I've tried and feel stuck, people give me advice and it feels I'm lying when I respond, so how do I stop all this? Well I identified the source...its me, that thought and realization still shakes me to this day, I'm the problem, no external source, its all internal.
Like how fucked up do you have to be when the only solution is ending your own life to stop it all? Counselling does bugger all but patch the wound, sometimes wish I could get electro shock therapy, who gives a crap about if I can't recall things, I've turned any good memory into a painful reminder of what I had. That and the past 6 years feel like a blur, feel like I've been on auto-pilot taking hit after hit and now I've cracked, feel pretty shit about things, though I'm great at faking that I'm fine or more content than anything.
Art wise, well I still enjoy it, really is a good thing when I'm not sleep deprieved, can never seem to catch enough sleep no matter what I do,
Heads a mess most the time, lock onto stupid thoughts, feel like I have still have a bad rep, people I'd like to re-connect with yet feel it be wasted, that I'd just be a 'oh fuck its him' like am I really that intrusive to others? Maybe looking too much into it.
I've made plenty of mistakes and I don't feel its going to get better, I have no concentration unless it absorbs me, freetime from work is just wasted effort, and yet its all self inflicted. I don't better myself, I don't change or adapt, I just stick, sometimes wish I could have the decency to end it all, instead of being a drain on everything and everyone. That, that statement alone is incredibly wrong but in my head its logical, I can't change, I've tried and feel stuck, people give me advice and it feels I'm lying when I respond, so how do I stop all this? Well I identified the source...its me, that thought and realization still shakes me to this day, I'm the problem, no external source, its all internal.
Like how fucked up do you have to be when the only solution is ending your own life to stop it all? Counselling does bugger all but patch the wound, sometimes wish I could get electro shock therapy, who gives a crap about if I can't recall things, I've turned any good memory into a painful reminder of what I had. That and the past 6 years feel like a blur, feel like I've been on auto-pilot taking hit after hit and now I've cracked, feel pretty shit about things, though I'm great at faking that I'm fine or more content than anything.
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