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Well, it's been six months...
7 years ago
As of this journal, I've had this kitchen job at the local hospital for the past six months, but unfortunately it feels like nothing has actually changed. As a PRN employee, my work schedule has been so inconsistent and, quite frankly, energy draining that I've barely had time for art or streams or any of the things I planned to do. Any extra money I earned went towards 1.) buying my internet service back after it was disconnected during my unemployment, 2.) a new PC so I could actually do the things I had been planning to do such as art and game streams, 3.) a copy of Clip Studio Paint, and 4.) a bunch of useless video games because they were on sale. My character and I have slowly become (even more) irrelevant over the past six months, but at least I can play Smash Bros. Ultimate now!
This is probably nothing new by now, but I'm feeling a little discouraged. While working at this job, I've spread myself so thin across various friend circles on Discord and Twitch that I've barely had time for any of them. I've tried my best to reach out to others when my work schedule allowed it, but it feels like nobody is reaching out to me in return. I feel forgotten. I can't draw enough art to keep myself relevant in the art community, and I can't socialize enough with everyone to leave a lasting impact on anyone. I'm left wondering who I am to my friends, and I've slowly come to the conclusion that maybe I've always been the disposable one. Yeah sure, people like me enough, but I can be replaced whenever someone better comes along. It's probably the reason why I'm never included in anything these days.
I probably won't even have money for commissions in the near future despite the six months I've worked at this hospital. Even if I had the money, I feel like I'd basically be forking over $50+ for a more popular artist to give me the chance to feel more appreciated by others. This doesn't align with my principles at all, but I'm not gonna lie, it's become very tempting lately. I'd also love to get gift art, yet simultaneously I hate asking for it. I'm really not one to fish for free art. If I wanted free art, I'd just draw it myself... whenever I have the time and stamina left to.
I wish I could become the Meezoo I want to be, but the last six months have left me feeling so tired and emotionally shutdown. Right now I just need someone to talk me through this fatigue. I seriously don't know what to do right now. I guess just knowing someone read through this wall of text is something I'd be genuinely grateful for. I just need reassurance. My only success in recent memory was that TweetFur pic I drew for my fetish Twitter account. It got 400+ likes and a buttload of retweets, but those are just numbers. I need actual peer to peer interaction, a personal relationship between me and my supporters. I'd feel a lot better if I could experience more of that.
This is probably nothing new by now, but I'm feeling a little discouraged. While working at this job, I've spread myself so thin across various friend circles on Discord and Twitch that I've barely had time for any of them. I've tried my best to reach out to others when my work schedule allowed it, but it feels like nobody is reaching out to me in return. I feel forgotten. I can't draw enough art to keep myself relevant in the art community, and I can't socialize enough with everyone to leave a lasting impact on anyone. I'm left wondering who I am to my friends, and I've slowly come to the conclusion that maybe I've always been the disposable one. Yeah sure, people like me enough, but I can be replaced whenever someone better comes along. It's probably the reason why I'm never included in anything these days.
I probably won't even have money for commissions in the near future despite the six months I've worked at this hospital. Even if I had the money, I feel like I'd basically be forking over $50+ for a more popular artist to give me the chance to feel more appreciated by others. This doesn't align with my principles at all, but I'm not gonna lie, it's become very tempting lately. I'd also love to get gift art, yet simultaneously I hate asking for it. I'm really not one to fish for free art. If I wanted free art, I'd just draw it myself... whenever I have the time and stamina left to.
I wish I could become the Meezoo I want to be, but the last six months have left me feeling so tired and emotionally shutdown. Right now I just need someone to talk me through this fatigue. I seriously don't know what to do right now. I guess just knowing someone read through this wall of text is something I'd be genuinely grateful for. I just need reassurance. My only success in recent memory was that TweetFur pic I drew for my fetish Twitter account. It got 400+ likes and a buttload of retweets, but those are just numbers. I need actual peer to peer interaction, a personal relationship between me and my supporters. I'd feel a lot better if I could experience more of that.
I suppose we could discuss this more over Discord or Telegram. There's a lot going on behind the scenes, more than what I talked about in this journal, but the basic gist is I'm tired and, without the feeling I belong in any social circle, I actually feel like I have nothing to keep me going now.
I just want a place I can feel appreciated in. I'm not in it for likes or favorites or watches, I just want a sense of community. Instead I feel like I'm always just orbiting around the communities I'm in. It's an isolating feeling.
It’s tough with a new job, and it’s hard to feel awake and energized if it doesn’t have a consistent schedule. I’m glad you can stay afloat with work, but here’s to hoping you can fix other things too!