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6 years ago
*Commissions are now offered through journals! Keep a lookout for them!*
|| Trello| TOS |Business HRS/Schedule || So. It's been a really long while since I last made a journal. I don't really think anybody really pays attention to my journals but I have a strong propensity to say something especially with recent events that have essentially made me go silent on all my social media. Whoever reads this, just know I'm really trying, and I'm not trying to make anyone look bad or say something in such a way to "cause alarm" either. But I needed a space to say something, because I'm deeply deeply terrified and hurt.
I'll start with this... I take my art and my commissions as professionally as possible. But I always have the demeanor of such as being laid back and 'less of the norm' when it comes to how I speak to everyone. I'm more or less - non-traditional - to how I express myself online. I want people to understand at least something in my life if it warrants it. Of course, there are private things that I of course keep from public eyes. Mostly because I have really terrible social anxiety and I'm horrendously shy. Despite the challenges, I do my absolute best to be transparent about the things that do matter, that are really big in my life that I must tell you about. Unfortunately, I haven't made my FA much of a platform of doing so. Most of the stuff I go through is allocated in very specific areas as a way to organize myself and to attempt to keep things relatively clean. But due to the nature of the identity of what people started associating with me through this page, I felt it necessary to speak up after almost 2 months of...not speaking up.
I don't know how many people have noticed, but I'm no longer an admin for the Dutch Angel Dragon Community. I haven't been since December 17,2018. I've been an absolute mess over it ever since, and essentially broken. I won't really explain the reason why, but what I can say it was very sudden and not under my own volition (to an extent). I was asked to leave, and in an attempt to save myself from further emotional damage, I left literally everything community-wise. I'm no longer on the facebook pages, I've been erased from the FA page, I left the telegram admin chat and community chat, I've left the discord... all at once. I've been feeling backed further into a corner and terrified of saying a damn thing about it since. I've been terrified if I don't continue to be a "goody two shoes" and start posting vaguely everywhere, someone will read it wrong and I'll get bombarded with messages telling me how wrong I am or "we need to talk". I've literally been an absolute mess, and despite me trying to fix it, I feel as if I have nothing left. I literally feel like I lost everything. I feel backstabbed, I feel disgusting, and I feel 'alienated' and friendless. I know some will still consider me their friend, but actions tell me otherwise. No matter how kind the words, all I can hear in my mind is that I'm worthless and did a horrible job. Maybe it's depression talking, but I've had trust issues before...now amplified to an incredibly high degree. I can't help but feel that everybody is now out to get me, or that I'll be forgotten. In fact, that's what's hurt me the most, I feel forgotten and nobody gives a damn about me and just waited for me to disappear. I've had to sit here for almost two months in absolute silence, and even though that may not matter to some of you, this meant EVERYTHING to me. One moment, I have all this responsibility and ear to the ground and outpouring will and passion to be there every moment I can, to make sure I'm always on the same page and making sure everything is taken care of; to immediate silence where everything is stagnant and the chatter is gone. It's like being in a room full of people, to where all the sudden you blink and everybody disappears. That's what it's been to me, and it's absolutely shattered me. I feel literally torn into two and have become such a stranger to myself and others.
There are a genuine few who have come to me and asked me how I'm doing and actively checked up on me. While...the majority I relied to say something to me has been staggeringly absent. Some I know have probably been scared to come to me because they're scared of me being further hurt, but I really beg to differ, I need people to talk to me so I can talk too. For me, it builds trust and a bond. But the consistent inaction of doing so (not talking about being busy and having a life) and constantly and outwardly avoiding me makes me literally feel abandoned...
Before you say anything; no, I don't want to go back to the community. I don't have any intention of coming back at all anywhere in the future.
"Why? After you talking about how lonely you feel?" because I cannot genuinely and emotionally handle being part of something again after watching it blossom over 5 years I've been in it, FOUR of which I was an admin. It feels really unfair to me to continue to be part of something that hurts me, seeing the name flash before me every single moment on Twitter, FA, Facebook... I just... I can't do it. It's why I'm not following anything anymore... I've muted everything Dutch Angel Dragon Community. I've shut it out, because I literally felt stabbed to the heart and sliced into two.
"I don't want to make you feel bad for commissioning Dutch Angel Dragon art now :,( "
Please don't think that. I still love Dutchies, and I love drawing them. Please don't stop commissioning me because of this...
I digress, the point is, I've been in a really bad state as of late. I've been silent on social media and don't know when I can muster the courage to show up again. I'll continue to do my commissions, posting it here, and I'm still very much willing to accept more. All I ask is to just be gentle with me and to understand how much this whole thing has impacted me. The Community meant so much to me, and just... this whole thing has been a serious blow. I know to a lot of people this is just nothing and I shouldn't care this much about a species, but I don't care what they think. What matters to me was all the loyalty, passion, and time I poured into this. I did literally everything I could to be there, no matter what. But I'm just going to be on my own island for some time. I'm having a really hard time trusting talking to a lot of people, but I do really appreciate those who do make some time for me. I don't want to be "too high maintenance", but being able to have some semblance of friendship means so much to me right now.
I'm not sorry for writing this... but I hope you can understand my silence and just... give me a little space to be able to express my feelings and talk. I'm at least cognoscente enough to know I'm barely emotionally stable as it is, but I feel better if I can just talk to those who want to listen to me and understand where I'm coming from. Being able to talk through someone and yourself is just a small step to being able to wrap your head around it. Although I can essentially grasp why it all happened, I still can't help but still feel horrible. I feel like I have to start over all over again, and I'm crushed feeling this way... so just please be patient with me.
In other news, I'm planning on closing my patreon. I'm really bad at upkeeping it and would feel better just accepting Ko-fi's instead. I'll leave it open for the rest of this month and then I'm going to shut it down, so you're aware.
Also, I have a really cool super secret thing I'm working on that I hope to share with you soon. But for now, I'm keeping it secret until I'm confident enough to share it (i.e. reasons above).
I love you all. I miss you all... I'll see you later...
-Ruka
I'll start with this... I take my art and my commissions as professionally as possible. But I always have the demeanor of such as being laid back and 'less of the norm' when it comes to how I speak to everyone. I'm more or less - non-traditional - to how I express myself online. I want people to understand at least something in my life if it warrants it. Of course, there are private things that I of course keep from public eyes. Mostly because I have really terrible social anxiety and I'm horrendously shy. Despite the challenges, I do my absolute best to be transparent about the things that do matter, that are really big in my life that I must tell you about. Unfortunately, I haven't made my FA much of a platform of doing so. Most of the stuff I go through is allocated in very specific areas as a way to organize myself and to attempt to keep things relatively clean. But due to the nature of the identity of what people started associating with me through this page, I felt it necessary to speak up after almost 2 months of...not speaking up.
I don't know how many people have noticed, but I'm no longer an admin for the Dutch Angel Dragon Community. I haven't been since December 17,2018. I've been an absolute mess over it ever since, and essentially broken. I won't really explain the reason why, but what I can say it was very sudden and not under my own volition (to an extent). I was asked to leave, and in an attempt to save myself from further emotional damage, I left literally everything community-wise. I'm no longer on the facebook pages, I've been erased from the FA page, I left the telegram admin chat and community chat, I've left the discord... all at once. I've been feeling backed further into a corner and terrified of saying a damn thing about it since. I've been terrified if I don't continue to be a "goody two shoes" and start posting vaguely everywhere, someone will read it wrong and I'll get bombarded with messages telling me how wrong I am or "we need to talk". I've literally been an absolute mess, and despite me trying to fix it, I feel as if I have nothing left. I literally feel like I lost everything. I feel backstabbed, I feel disgusting, and I feel 'alienated' and friendless. I know some will still consider me their friend, but actions tell me otherwise. No matter how kind the words, all I can hear in my mind is that I'm worthless and did a horrible job. Maybe it's depression talking, but I've had trust issues before...now amplified to an incredibly high degree. I can't help but feel that everybody is now out to get me, or that I'll be forgotten. In fact, that's what's hurt me the most, I feel forgotten and nobody gives a damn about me and just waited for me to disappear. I've had to sit here for almost two months in absolute silence, and even though that may not matter to some of you, this meant EVERYTHING to me. One moment, I have all this responsibility and ear to the ground and outpouring will and passion to be there every moment I can, to make sure I'm always on the same page and making sure everything is taken care of; to immediate silence where everything is stagnant and the chatter is gone. It's like being in a room full of people, to where all the sudden you blink and everybody disappears. That's what it's been to me, and it's absolutely shattered me. I feel literally torn into two and have become such a stranger to myself and others.
There are a genuine few who have come to me and asked me how I'm doing and actively checked up on me. While...the majority I relied to say something to me has been staggeringly absent. Some I know have probably been scared to come to me because they're scared of me being further hurt, but I really beg to differ, I need people to talk to me so I can talk too. For me, it builds trust and a bond. But the consistent inaction of doing so (not talking about being busy and having a life) and constantly and outwardly avoiding me makes me literally feel abandoned...
Before you say anything; no, I don't want to go back to the community. I don't have any intention of coming back at all anywhere in the future.
"Why? After you talking about how lonely you feel?" because I cannot genuinely and emotionally handle being part of something again after watching it blossom over 5 years I've been in it, FOUR of which I was an admin. It feels really unfair to me to continue to be part of something that hurts me, seeing the name flash before me every single moment on Twitter, FA, Facebook... I just... I can't do it. It's why I'm not following anything anymore... I've muted everything Dutch Angel Dragon Community. I've shut it out, because I literally felt stabbed to the heart and sliced into two.
"I don't want to make you feel bad for commissioning Dutch Angel Dragon art now :,( "
Please don't think that. I still love Dutchies, and I love drawing them. Please don't stop commissioning me because of this...
I digress, the point is, I've been in a really bad state as of late. I've been silent on social media and don't know when I can muster the courage to show up again. I'll continue to do my commissions, posting it here, and I'm still very much willing to accept more. All I ask is to just be gentle with me and to understand how much this whole thing has impacted me. The Community meant so much to me, and just... this whole thing has been a serious blow. I know to a lot of people this is just nothing and I shouldn't care this much about a species, but I don't care what they think. What matters to me was all the loyalty, passion, and time I poured into this. I did literally everything I could to be there, no matter what. But I'm just going to be on my own island for some time. I'm having a really hard time trusting talking to a lot of people, but I do really appreciate those who do make some time for me. I don't want to be "too high maintenance", but being able to have some semblance of friendship means so much to me right now.
I'm not sorry for writing this... but I hope you can understand my silence and just... give me a little space to be able to express my feelings and talk. I'm at least cognoscente enough to know I'm barely emotionally stable as it is, but I feel better if I can just talk to those who want to listen to me and understand where I'm coming from. Being able to talk through someone and yourself is just a small step to being able to wrap your head around it. Although I can essentially grasp why it all happened, I still can't help but still feel horrible. I feel like I have to start over all over again, and I'm crushed feeling this way... so just please be patient with me.
In other news, I'm planning on closing my patreon. I'm really bad at upkeeping it and would feel better just accepting Ko-fi's instead. I'll leave it open for the rest of this month and then I'm going to shut it down, so you're aware.
Also, I have a really cool super secret thing I'm working on that I hope to share with you soon. But for now, I'm keeping it secret until I'm confident enough to share it (i.e. reasons above).
I love you all. I miss you all... I'll see you later...
-Ruka
I'm always available to talk whenever you want someone to chat with or rant to...or if you just want someone to send you kitten pictures!
On another note; I am very excited to see what this secret project is!
I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it's tough.
Take it slow, one day at a time, and you can get through this
I've got social Anxiety too, so I fully understand
If you need anything let me know, I want to help.
I'm also someone who you can definitely reach out to, whether it's to vent, rant, or to send you dumb memes or cute pictures
that said, i'd love to be an actual friend one day if you ever choose to be :)
(granted i'm a massive introvert that never starts conversations so that may be an issue)
eventually i will manage to commission ya, one day, that is a goal in life to have $ to spare!
just relax and be well, self care is important and seems you are taking steps in the right direction there!
I went through something pretty bad with the Dutchie community, that the admins even backed up on - would prefer to stick up for their "friend" instead of what was right. The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth, and I couldn't bare being a part of the community again.
It's a shame, because you've been a part of it for so long, worked hard with them, only to be suddenly kicked out, with no real reason? That's really poor on them, and tells me something VERY strange is happening in the circle of admins there. I'm sorry I haven't noticed you, as I'm a lurker, but I can't bare to just sit and watch someone be hurt.
Just know you have someone here, waiting, in case you need someone to rant or cry on.I may not know you very much, if at all, seeing as I was new to the community, started to get to know people, then had to leave - but I'm willing to be there if you ever need a friend :]
If you ever need a friend to talk to I am always here
Note DM me anything you’d like I’m always here and I will always support you.
Hit me up anywhere here, telegram is @Scarlett_DutchAngelDragon, Twitter is @ScarlettDutchAD, insta Scarlett_Hearts_DutchAD and even on Facebook if you’d like, I’m always here to talk to.
In all of this I understand you and how your feeling I know what it’s like to be backstabbed and forgotten by your friends. It’s happened to me a lot.. but I care about you and I would never ever back stab you or forget about you. I hope your day gets better I hope you feel better and have a blessed day today.
You just keep doing what you want to. Do what makes you happy and keep moving forward. Life is hard some times, but its the people who sit down and talk with you that makes it worth it.
Feel better
Keep your chin up. In the near future me and my husband will want art from you but for the time being take your time <3