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Just want to get this off my chest once and for all...
6 years ago
Well this actually happened when my other uncle died in 2017. But I only actually told my mother about it last night after letting it slip while we were returning home from a restaurant. However, everything worked out well. So I think it is time I came clean and shared this with you all since I have long moved on and have nothing to fear at this point.
I didn't want to tell my folks about it for obvious reasons, so when I accidentally let it slip, I was pretty nervous. My mother reacted just like you'd expect her to.
Okay, so you know I have many uncles right? This one tends to be very risque, always asking my questions about my sex life, and what not whenever we meet (to the point where he comes off as a 'Dirty Old Man'... He's in his 60s). >_>
Well, he has back problems and has had to have surgery a few times in the past couple years. And he needed a back massage right? I've given him one before so I figured it would not be too much of an issue, since he's family.
Well after the funeral I tried to help him out since he does help me time to time (it's not the same uncle that I tried to move in with, BTW). But as I gave the massage, he started asking those usual risque questions. And then he asked me to sit on his back...
It was sorta uncomfortable, but I went along with it. But then he started asking me to sit further and further down his backside, almost right onto his buttock area...
It was when he started rubbing his hands around his lower back (and on my butt), that I got really uncomfortable and told him to stop. After that I told him I need to sleep soon since I've been working on my final paper the night before and had little time to rest with the funeral being held the next morning...
He then asked if I wanted to do it again, and I told him it made me uncomfortable. He seemed a bit shocked that I said no, but then he realized that he was making me uncomfortable when we did that and like 5mins after he left, he called me apologizing and offering me $50 to give him another massage next week to help me with my own finances.
Well... Fast forward to a few weeks, he called me again, and asked did he still need to pay me to give the massage again (he wanted to come that day, but I had to help my aunt). I told him, "Pay me if you want to", but really I said that to see if he was really committed (and to answer, no he did NOT pay).
He came over again that next day, and after the same routine, this time he wanted me to sit on his stomach, then lay back on him, and then, like before, he asked me to move downward towards... yeah. I cut it off right then, and told him that's all for today.
He claims that he wants me to get "more comfortable" and that I was too tense and needed to relax, but I was extremely wary of he and his intentions the whole time... And how he wanted to "take baby steps" like I told him the last time. And on top of that, he asked me to keep it between us. (Obviously I didn't.)
... Yeah, no more back rubs for him... That's what a chiropractor is for...
And if that wasn't enough, the next day (after TELLING him I was going to be busy all day), he calls me in the afternoon, jokingly asking why I haven't called him, and if I didn't love him anymore... He tried to joke about it obviously, but he's shown his perverted side to me for years (with the sex ed DVD he wanted to give me a couple years back)...
I pretty much cut him off after that. I rarely take his calls. And I don't even do anything with him any more. Looking back, it was clear he tried to take advantage of my niceness and guilt trip me into doing something only he would enjoy, and probably thought I was naive enough to let him go thru with this.
I only told a couple of my closest friends at the time because I did not trust my family enough to respond civilly. But after talking with my mother she seemed relieved that I cut this ordeal off before it went too far. It effectively killed her opinion of him as a side note.
As for my mother... She was most concerned with whether or not we did *that*. But again I stopped that before it reached that point. Kinda glad, she stated she would have wanted him locked up otherwise, and she did state that a relative would have probably wanted to kill him if they learned that happened. She is still trying to come to terms with this revelation and has stated that it felt like a dream, but I think we both are better off for it.
Since this happened to me nearly two years ago, and I've long moved on. I've already learned the lessons and an act would both open old scars and cause a huge stink when there's already enough issues as is.
I just wanted to share this so that it might help someone in my situation. I dunno if I should have acted differently back then, or if this was even the proper closure for me. But what's done is done now.
Just say no if in doubt. Get help if it proves too difficult or you're too afraid to stand up to your situation.
I don't expect this journal to get much attention, much less any sympathy -- but in typing this I feel can further move on with my life all the wiser.
I didn't want to tell my folks about it for obvious reasons, so when I accidentally let it slip, I was pretty nervous. My mother reacted just like you'd expect her to.
Okay, so you know I have many uncles right? This one tends to be very risque, always asking my questions about my sex life, and what not whenever we meet (to the point where he comes off as a 'Dirty Old Man'... He's in his 60s). >_>
Well, he has back problems and has had to have surgery a few times in the past couple years. And he needed a back massage right? I've given him one before so I figured it would not be too much of an issue, since he's family.
Well after the funeral I tried to help him out since he does help me time to time (it's not the same uncle that I tried to move in with, BTW). But as I gave the massage, he started asking those usual risque questions. And then he asked me to sit on his back...
It was sorta uncomfortable, but I went along with it. But then he started asking me to sit further and further down his backside, almost right onto his buttock area...
It was when he started rubbing his hands around his lower back (and on my butt), that I got really uncomfortable and told him to stop. After that I told him I need to sleep soon since I've been working on my final paper the night before and had little time to rest with the funeral being held the next morning...
He then asked if I wanted to do it again, and I told him it made me uncomfortable. He seemed a bit shocked that I said no, but then he realized that he was making me uncomfortable when we did that and like 5mins after he left, he called me apologizing and offering me $50 to give him another massage next week to help me with my own finances.
Well... Fast forward to a few weeks, he called me again, and asked did he still need to pay me to give the massage again (he wanted to come that day, but I had to help my aunt). I told him, "Pay me if you want to", but really I said that to see if he was really committed (and to answer, no he did NOT pay).
He came over again that next day, and after the same routine, this time he wanted me to sit on his stomach, then lay back on him, and then, like before, he asked me to move downward towards... yeah. I cut it off right then, and told him that's all for today.
He claims that he wants me to get "more comfortable" and that I was too tense and needed to relax, but I was extremely wary of he and his intentions the whole time... And how he wanted to "take baby steps" like I told him the last time. And on top of that, he asked me to keep it between us. (Obviously I didn't.)
... Yeah, no more back rubs for him... That's what a chiropractor is for...
And if that wasn't enough, the next day (after TELLING him I was going to be busy all day), he calls me in the afternoon, jokingly asking why I haven't called him, and if I didn't love him anymore... He tried to joke about it obviously, but he's shown his perverted side to me for years (with the sex ed DVD he wanted to give me a couple years back)...
I pretty much cut him off after that. I rarely take his calls. And I don't even do anything with him any more. Looking back, it was clear he tried to take advantage of my niceness and guilt trip me into doing something only he would enjoy, and probably thought I was naive enough to let him go thru with this.
I only told a couple of my closest friends at the time because I did not trust my family enough to respond civilly. But after talking with my mother she seemed relieved that I cut this ordeal off before it went too far. It effectively killed her opinion of him as a side note.
As for my mother... She was most concerned with whether or not we did *that*. But again I stopped that before it reached that point. Kinda glad, she stated she would have wanted him locked up otherwise, and she did state that a relative would have probably wanted to kill him if they learned that happened. She is still trying to come to terms with this revelation and has stated that it felt like a dream, but I think we both are better off for it.
Since this happened to me nearly two years ago, and I've long moved on. I've already learned the lessons and an act would both open old scars and cause a huge stink when there's already enough issues as is.
I just wanted to share this so that it might help someone in my situation. I dunno if I should have acted differently back then, or if this was even the proper closure for me. But what's done is done now.
Just say no if in doubt. Get help if it proves too difficult or you're too afraid to stand up to your situation.
I don't expect this journal to get much attention, much less any sympathy -- but in typing this I feel can further move on with my life all the wiser.
It was very difficult at first when it just happened, largely because this isn't something one would ever expect to have happen to anyone remotely close to them -- let alone themselves personally. Not to mention that he attempted to have me keep this a secret. It became easier when I was able to talk with a couple close friends about it right away, and they too agreed that cutting ties with him was the smartest thing I could have done at the time.
I didn't know how my family would handle this, especially since it is male abuse (and thus subject to that awful toxic alpha-male/masculinity stigma). After yesterday, I think I will be fine.
Who knows what I would have done if I didn't get immediate help from my closest friends back then (or worse they only made me feel worse about this). I feared that I might have been driven to suicide....