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Annual Reflection 2019
6 years ago
Today is exactly two years since I started drawing as a hobby. Last year, I wrote a personal reflection about my (negative) experiences and I'm this journal is going to be a continuation since then.
My first year can be found here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8625766/
So most of the journal from last year was dictated from the previous four months because it had the most impact. I began to compare myself to other artists after I realized how much better they were at drawing. I knew before, but one day it hit me like a train and it really bothered me because (what I realized recently is) I feel how their success strongly reflects how bad I am. It really got worse since then and it's a huge depressive spiral falling into. There were so many days where I felt bad for myself all day and mope away. I felt worthless as a human being just because I can't make good art and I felt sad a lot. It made me not want to look at other people's art as much and really damaged my joy of art. Nowadays, it's not as bad as 6 months ago, but more concentrated down from a few sources. I do still feel sad a lot that I can't make good art, but I'm trying to put up with it.
From looking from my galleries and my stash, I did improve much faster than my first year. Part of it is that I started to draw everyday consistently since the end of spring. Another part is trying new things that help me improve like practicing from references and practicing new techniques. I'm actually proud how far I'd come and I'm going to do more digital art which is going to make my art look better.
What I wish I knew back then was how much money I was going to lose by taking art courses. The courses I mentioned last year turned out to be flops and the Atelier program ended up to be a $1200 waste. What I learned is that I have to be more strict and picky in choosing art education.
tldr: Pretty much my past year was more depressing, a lot of money lost, but much improvement.
What's still significant is that I still feel bad about my skill level. What I feel now is as an artist, I am REQUIRED to have the skill level as the good artists right now-2019 and I shouldn't be making art if I can't. It's obviously not true, but feeling how the bar is so high and it's bad to be bad at making art still depresses me. There's a few artists I think look down on me and it makes it a lot worse.
I do enjoy making art, but there's going to be a point where it's not going to be worth it anymore because how the expectations and the social side of art are making me feel bad. It's surprising to me that I haven't cave in already given how terrible my past year was. I don't really know if I could last another year.
My first year can be found here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8625766/
So most of the journal from last year was dictated from the previous four months because it had the most impact. I began to compare myself to other artists after I realized how much better they were at drawing. I knew before, but one day it hit me like a train and it really bothered me because (what I realized recently is) I feel how their success strongly reflects how bad I am. It really got worse since then and it's a huge depressive spiral falling into. There were so many days where I felt bad for myself all day and mope away. I felt worthless as a human being just because I can't make good art and I felt sad a lot. It made me not want to look at other people's art as much and really damaged my joy of art. Nowadays, it's not as bad as 6 months ago, but more concentrated down from a few sources. I do still feel sad a lot that I can't make good art, but I'm trying to put up with it.
From looking from my galleries and my stash, I did improve much faster than my first year. Part of it is that I started to draw everyday consistently since the end of spring. Another part is trying new things that help me improve like practicing from references and practicing new techniques. I'm actually proud how far I'd come and I'm going to do more digital art which is going to make my art look better.
What I wish I knew back then was how much money I was going to lose by taking art courses. The courses I mentioned last year turned out to be flops and the Atelier program ended up to be a $1200 waste. What I learned is that I have to be more strict and picky in choosing art education.
tldr: Pretty much my past year was more depressing, a lot of money lost, but much improvement.
What's still significant is that I still feel bad about my skill level. What I feel now is as an artist, I am REQUIRED to have the skill level as the good artists right now-2019 and I shouldn't be making art if I can't. It's obviously not true, but feeling how the bar is so high and it's bad to be bad at making art still depresses me. There's a few artists I think look down on me and it makes it a lot worse.
I do enjoy making art, but there's going to be a point where it's not going to be worth it anymore because how the expectations and the social side of art are making me feel bad. It's surprising to me that I haven't cave in already given how terrible my past year was. I don't really know if I could last another year.
