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Slow Rada
6 years ago
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Thoughts of the Rada! So some of you may have noticed that I haven't been getting commissions done very quickly, and i'm not streaming as much as I ought to. Thre's a reason, and yeah, it might sound like an excuse. While I've never been to the doctor's office to get diagnosed (which costs money I don't have) I am fairly certain I have PTSD induced chronic depression. I like to think I can handle it well enough, but it's still a burden during each cycle. this past month has been particularly hard on me. I've been having nightmares that are realistic, featuring anxieties from my past. Real enough that I often will wake up confused and feeling out of place. The cycle I'm on I was almost over when another thing came up that got me feeling very timid, and while I don't want to share the details, it's been a consistent reminder of how things went wrong during a particularly traumatic experience in the past few months, and that basically rebooted the cycle from the start. Then I was letting myself get excited to go to a night club that was going to have my favorite band there, playing; It was going to be my first night club experience... Didn't happen. Bought the tickets, had a ride who was going to join us, but he lost his wallet, which had his ID, which was required to enter. We overheard that it was a DJ Set, that they wouldn't be playing live anyway, which we thought meant that there was a stand-in DJ, not the band itself, so when our friend was turned away at the door, we went with him; Didn't seem fair to make him wait for us. Turns out the band WAS there, that I had misinterpreted what a DJ set means... It got me reminiscing about how pretty much every time I try to organize something I want to do or try, something always goes wrong; And that's not a hyperbole, my luck has really always been that bad. It's to the point that I just don't try and organize anything anymore.
So yeah, long story short I'm depressed. I don't exactly try to hide it but I try to not let it interfere with my work, but it does. You know that feeling you get right before you start crying? An overwhelming sadness that makes you well up behind your eyes and feel a pinching sensation on the bridge of your nose? I get that all the time now, and so much of the time I can't even explain why. It just hits me out of nowhere, a wave of despair where everything feels hopeless and I feel like things are just going to get worse, like my debt's going to get to me, like my relationship is going to fall apart, like my friends are going to get annoyed with me and leave me, like my health is going to tank and I won't be able to afford the bills, or... honestly, like I'm just unloved, or even unlovable.
So yeah, long story short I'm depressed. I don't exactly try to hide it but I try to not let it interfere with my work, but it does. You know that feeling you get right before you start crying? An overwhelming sadness that makes you well up behind your eyes and feel a pinching sensation on the bridge of your nose? I get that all the time now, and so much of the time I can't even explain why. It just hits me out of nowhere, a wave of despair where everything feels hopeless and I feel like things are just going to get worse, like my debt's going to get to me, like my relationship is going to fall apart, like my friends are going to get annoyed with me and leave me, like my health is going to tank and I won't be able to afford the bills, or... honestly, like I'm just unloved, or even unlovable.
But help is out there. If you can, contact your local hospitals and say you need help. Hopefully, they'll be able to point you in the right direction, if not offer outright assistance.
It'll have a cost of course, but a very mitigated cost (I see someone every three months to get a refill on my pills that help enough that I can semi-function; that's only three bucks). And if they want you to try out medication, places like GoodRX can immensely reduce the cost.
I'm not going to mince words or offer words of encouragement that you've likely heard time and again. Sounds like you've been through some dark dark places through no fault of your own; it's a story that I'm familiar with too having walked through, and still walk.
I hear you. There is help. Even if it comes from a cryptic weirdo like me.
But you are neither unloved nor unlovable. Probably heard this all before but doesn't make em less true mans. deal with a lot of people in my life who have depression and it is hard to see em go low like that. but it stick with em as they need someone to.
hope this cycle doesn't get a reboot again and it comes to pass soon as it can. and hopefully you can do something fun and exciting soon enough.... and if something goes wrong, i wager it would be like this time and you were simply trying to be unselfish.