When you fall in love, it's an amazing feeling, that you just can't shake. It's like heaven in your heart. It's like a harmony that is always playing, no matter what.

Well, I've just gone through the worst thing that anyone can ever put me through. The one person I loved in the whole world, who said that they loved me back, has just ripped my heart out of my chest, and crushed it into tiny little pieces.

Sure, I've made journals before about the situation, I've always taken him back for the hope that maybe this time we'll stay together. Maybe this time it'll be different. I've always had that thought in my mind that it'll all be better. :)

It's always stuck with me. I would try, and try, and try again. I would take him back. I would spend all my time with him. Because you know what? I loved him. I was IN love with him. I still am, I still want to be with him no matter what. If he was homeless, I'd be homeless with him. He was everything to me. Until. . .He broke up with me again.

I swear, I can't go on vacation, and just relax. Whenever I do, I end up having something to think about. I'm in Virginia right now, visiting a friend, and I gave him my chinchilla to watch over, so he could care for her. Well, couldn't even do that. I don't blame him, no, not at all. His dad. His dad got drunk, and stumbled onto the cage, and opened the door to the cage. She ran out, and he came home to find that she was out of the cage.

Well, he finally caught her like what? last night or the night before? And RIGHT after he did, he broke up with me. We had an amazing relationship. Literally. We would go out on dates, we would cuddle all the time, passionate kisses, we would hold hands in the car, he would come over after work all the time. I would always tell him that I loved him, even in the midst of being mad. I always told him that I loved him. Sure, we had our regular mash ups, as do all relationships, but he meant too much to me for me to just let him go. He was after all, everything to me. We were pretty much the fairytale couple. We would go to the park, and lie down on a blanket, and just talk to each other, embraced in each others arms. We would game together, shower together.

I would draw a lot, and because I was so elated to have him in my life. I would always have drawing concepts in my mind. He told me that he loved me drawing, that he really liked it when I drew. He loved it especially when I drew our fursonas together. I also loved it, because it really allowed me to represent what I was thinking, visually.

He worked at a local theater, and he would always take me to the movies after a dinner date. He even took me to some employee showings, he would ask special permission aswell. His coworkers loved it when I came by, I would always talk to them about how amazing he was. I would always tell that that I was the luckiest girl to be able to have someone like him in my life. And I was. I really was the luckiest girl around. I treasured our relationship together. I really did. I've told him that plenty of times. Our relationship was the most amazing thing that I have had in a while. And I had it with an amazing guy aswell.

Well, it turns out. He is repulsed by me. He stated that he's not attracted to me, because I'm fat. He hated having sex with me, and he only did to because it felt good. He hated sleeping with me because he likes his room. He stated to me that he doesn't like how I think, or what i believe in. I'm an Atheist, and I haven't even talked about that with him. I've even told him that I believe that God made us meet, so we could fall in love with each other. I really believe that. If that was his main reason for breaking up with me, he should have done it a while ago, instead of use me as he did. If God was the reason why he doesn't like how I think, fine.

I'm a realist. I'm an optimist. When I want something, I get it. I don't fuck around. I know what it is that I want, and what I don't want. I'm too young to look out for myself. I'm too young to have to have the responsibilities that I have. I grew up too fast, I really did. I couldn't get one brick thing to come out of his mouth. He was never sure. He would always reassure me that he loved me, and I have literally cried because I felt the overwhelming feeling of love that just engulfed my body.

There was one time, before I came to Virginia, about a week ago. We were at the movies, and we were seeing, 'the time travellers wife,' and I pretty much started crying after the movie, because I was so in love with him. He started tearing up along with me when we exited onto the top floor. He hugged me, and reassured me that he loved me. It felt amazing. That feeling that you just really want to spend the rest of your life with that one person, and them telling you the same thing. After that, we went to go see Ponyo, and we were the only one in that theater! It was just us two, with a big screen. He even turned to me and said, "I really like having the theater to be just me and you." and he held me close to him.

When he wanted a time to go and do things with his friends, I was like, "It's fine, I'll stay home." That day would be a day that changed my whole outlook on things. Him, and 3 of his friends went to the movies, and after the movie. I had called him asking that he urgently come to my place. I crying profusely, my eyes were covered in tears, along with my face, and hands. When I heard the car park out in front I ran out and pretty much jumped on him and I hugged him with every muscle in my body. He thought that the chinchilla he got for me died or something. He thought someone died. Even better, I was able to contact my step father after 6 years of not being able to talk to him. I told him this, and he looked at me, and he smiled, and he was like, "That's amazing Kayla." His friends, whom are also my friends told me that he was freaking out the whole drive to my house. As he was, he cared, he was scared, and he was worried. I know he cared for me. . .

It was the 4th of July, and I had asked him to come and visit me, since he'd be working the closing shift at his work, which was from late, to early morning, so I wouldn't see the fireworks with him. So I had asked him to spend some time with me before hand. Well, I was on my laptop, and I saw that he signed in on MSN, and the only time he does that, was when he is at home. So I messaged him, and I was like, "You know what? I'm tired of being last. I can do better." and I just pretty much left it at that. I was tired of being nothing to him. I'm tired of being taken for granted, I was tired of him just totally overlooking things. So, I made it known to him that I'm not going to take it anymore. Next thing I know, he's calling me 30+ times, leaving voice messages on my phone telling me he's sorry, and that he's going to come by now, to talk. I picked up once, only to tell him to go back home. But no, he didn't. He wanted to come over. Now, I'm not whining, because this isn't something that he'd do. He would NEVER decide at last minute to drive to my house at about 3:00am. on a work day. He would never do that, even if I asked him. So he drives to my house, and was at the door for like 30 minutes. I was just doing my own thing, trying to ignore him, because I didn't want to give in. He was outside the front door pleading to have me take him back and forgive him. He was asking and saying sorry every second he could. I tried to make it seem as though I wasn't even home. I tried to make it seem as if I didn't care. I did though. I cared a lot. Eventually, I let him in, and we talked. We were fine. . .

When I went to work for a couple of days, I ended up staying in San Francisco. He said he missed me. He told me that it feels weird with me being so far away. i was maybe 2 hours away.

I knew he loved me. Everyone knew it. Our friends, everyone. His mother, his neighbor, my friends, the people I was with. Everyone told us that we were great for each other. He's the nerd / tall / geek like guy that I have always wanted. Me? I test video games. They are my life. Technology is my life, and he loved it. He loved a lot of things about me.

At the beginning of our relationship was the worst. His dad hated me, didn't want me anywhere near their house. I met his grandmother, and even though I told her everything about me, and even paid to go out to lunch, wherever, she still insisted on not liking me. That was almost like strike two. I cried so much over it, because I knew that he had a lot going on with him and his family, and that they meant a lot him. I wanted to be apart of that circle. I wanted them to accept me as someone who will benefit him, and not someone who'd ruin him. Because that was the last thing that I had in mind. There were times where he would have to comfort me because I would just think about my whole aspect on family, and love. I wanted to enjoy the same things as he did, even if it meant putting my guard down just to get along with his dad. I tried so hard to have his dad like me. I tried talking to him, I tried inviting him out to dinner with me and his son. I tried my hardest. At the beginning of our relationship, his dad would persuade him to break up with me, and that is an explanation for a lot of the journals that I have written regarding the break-ups.

I finally met his mother. It was the most amazing 5 hours of my life this year. She really genuinely liked me. As me and him were laying on my bed, taking a nap after a long day, and a short night of sleep, she called him to tell him what she thought of me, and she wanted to see more of me. She wanted me to come over for dinner sometime in the future. That meant the world to me. I started crying at that point because finally someone that gave birth to him genuinely thought that I was a great asset to him.

Heh, we really did have a great relationship. Honestly, I've never been in a relationship that has ended and I had nothing to bitch about. This whole thing is to bitch about how amazing it was. Not how stupid or how much time I wasted. I put my heart and soul into him. I built his confidence. I made him think higher of himself. And this is the thanks I get.

I'm not your average 17 year old artist / furry / gamer girl. I take pride in what I am, and who I am. I take pride in what I represent. I pick and choose who I am friends with. I'm overly trusting, I am too friendly, I'm too open. It's me. That's just me. I'm always smiling because I don't like to be sad / mad / depressed. I'll be sad for a couple of hours, but it gets to the point where I'm like, "Just suck it up Kayla, you're better than this. . ."

I put a smile on, when inside, I just want to tear myself apart, and that's really what I wanted to do when he broke it off with me. I felt like I could tear myself apart, and feel no pain. I felt like I could rip my heart out, and be able to see the blood drip down my arm, and I'd feel numb.

I've taught him so much. I was even teaching him how to drive. I was teaching him how to do a lot of things. I was trying to get him to take control of his emotions.

He was the closest thing that I had to a family. . .He was literally my family. . .I confided in him what I would with a family member. . .I really thought that he was that someone for me. That one person that would always be there for me, or that would fess up, and admit that they have actually fell in love when they least expected it. I'm tired of playing games. I'm tired of the up and down stream of yes and no's and I'm not sure's.

Maybe it's what I needed? I feel like even though those things were somewhat a weakness, in my eyes. I felt like I loved him even more for his faults. . .I felt like I was in love with what he wasn't able to accomplish, while still being in love with what he was great at. I was in love with all of him. There was never once that I couldn't admit that he was an amazing person.

We had a song that we chose together. Day Behavior - Close your eyes. It is an amazing song, and really makes me feel great. I would always text him the lyrics, and he'd always be like, "Listenin' to our song again? :)"

We would have nights where we would just talk, like a month ago, we went to the park, and both of us just talked, and while we were driving there, he blasted that song. Alas, I couldn't hear it because my windows were closed.

I loved him because I could see effort in him. Even though he may have not seemed to be the one up for the job, you can tell that he tried to make it work. That he tried to be that one person that had everything under control. I could tell that he loved me. I could tell that he cared about me. He would always comfort me, and talk to me. When he got off of work, and I was sad, or something popped up in my mind that i wanted to talk about, he'd talk to me. He would come by and visit me. He'd cuddle with me. We had a system pretty much. He would come over almost every night after work, and we'd talk, play games, draw, talk, and before he'd leave, we'd cuddle. It was our little thing that we did all the time, and it made me happy that he would give me full attention before going on with his daily things.

When I was going through a lot of drama with my mother, I would be at my friends house, talking to my friends grandma. She really believed that him and I were great together. She really spoke from her heart, and it really helped me. When I met his mother, I walked into my friends house and I thanked his grandmother for helping me get through all the things that my exmates dad put us through. She really had a lot to say about things, and it really intrigued me. I really felt like me and him would work out, regardless of others opinions of our relationship. The grandmother had a husband that she spent her life with, but her family in law didn't agree with them at all. Even in matrimony they still tried to break them up. . .As I was going through the pain of feeling the pressure of ones parents hording your beloveds mind with things like breaking up with them, you tend to notice a lot of other peoples problems that regard the same thing. My aunt had the same situation with my uncle.

Parents have a right to be protective. They have a right to care for their children. By all means, care for your child the way that any other parent would. But please, understand it from our point of view aswell. I wanted everything with him, I didn't intend on hurting him at all. When his dad persuaded him into breaking up with me, he did. But it would only follow into him getting back with me because he didn't intend on breaking it off with me in the first place. . .I've gone through a lot of heartache because of that little thing that was happening off and on every month.

Since I have been here in Virginia. I've been really wanting to spend as much time with him on xbox live. Or on Skype, or I'd resort to falling asleep with him on the phone. It's horrible being away from him. I thought it'd be okay, he'd have his time to himself, and I'd be doing work things, and seeing friends. Well, I guess I was wrong. I thought we could endure everything together.

You know, I've never been put down like that by him. I really thought that he loved me, I really felt like it was there. I felt it.

It's in my nature to always smile, and to always laugh, and be happy. I despise being sad / depressed / mad. I will do anything, within reason, to make myself happy again. To make myself smile again. As I am doing right now. I am MAKING myself happy, and I'm putting a smile on. Inside of me, I just want to cry. But you don't see that. You see the Kayla that I have always been, that people know me for. I'm always pointed out by my smile. I can always put on a smile. Life is too great to be sad all the time. It's too wondrous to sulk about things.

I will always remember the times that I had with him to be great. I will always remember him as I have always seen him in my eyes. I understand that he wants to show me that he hates me so much right now, and that I'm repulsive and ugly, but I have my dignity, and my mind, still in my head, that is still on my shoulders. He's a great person, and I won't take it against him for what has happened between him and I. As I do wish it went a different route, and we worked it out, and talked about it, I don't think he is up for it.

I want to stress the point of me being happy with him. I've never been with someone to where I was so happy and content with that person that I wouldn't even give another guy / girl a second look. They were never good enough. They were nothing like him, so I wouldn't pay attention to them. Sure, I've had guys even walk up to me in front of him and tell him that I'm pretty, or whatever it is that they have said in the past, but as always, I would tell him that he was everything to me, and that I wanted him, and no one else. And that's how it was, I didn't want anyone else, for all this time that we have grown, and been together.

I hope I at least taught him something about something. I hope I helped him a little to the point where he can look back at the times that we spent together and smile in the future.

I'm giving up my life right now. I'm leaving my best friends. I'm leaving my home. I have nothing else going for me here. When my mother left for LA, and my brother went up to Washington to live with my dad, I had to make a decision. . .I decided to stay here in California because I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to stay with him, and be right by his side. I literally made that decision.

Well, here I go making the decision to leave. I need to get on with my life, it has to stop sitting in one place. I want to move on, and I want to do something with my life, as I have always done. I have always proven myself useful. I have always done things that a lot of people wouldn't dare do. For instance, just dropping everything and leaving. I thought that I would have a permanent place inside of his heart, but it seems that I was just a test subject. Some test rat that he could play with, but with it to only end in hurt, when all this time he was telling me he loved being with me, and he was genuinely happy.

Dear Ethodar,
I hope you do go into the Air Force, or you do finish college, or you do get promoted. I hope you do your best in life, and get the best out of life aswell. I hope you become that pilot, or degree holder, or manager that you want to be. I hope you give someone a chance to be in your heart, as I let you be that person in my heart. Love isn't something you find, it comes to you. Whenever you feel lonely, just know that I'll always be there for you. Yes, I know, you don't want me to be that, but I can't allow myself to just give up on you. You mean too much to me in order for me to do that. As a last bit, I hope your dad becomes better and starts acting like a dad, and not someone who doesn't know what they can do with their life. I hope your grandmother gets better, and I was extremely happy meeting your mother.

To fellow furries: When you find love. Don't ever let it go. It's something precious that shouldn't be taken for granted, because once it's gone. It's gone.

Now one is going to bother with this journal. I just felt like putting it somewhere, so I can read it in the future.
Thanks to those of you who cared enough to read, and those of you who have given comments.
-Kayla