I know it has been a long time since I have posted anything or said anything on my page. I hoped that with each posting would be good things, but sadly this is not the case............

Before coming to Fur, there was a huge event in my life that changed me greatly. If anyone has ever read my Mortal, Angel and Demon's Tome, then it is well known that my life was not as great. And for the longest time I have been searching for the on thing that my heart has longed for. A year ago, I thought that I have finally found it when a girl that I knew for a long time said those three words that shattered the darkness in me. And she was the first one out of my entire life to say those three words to me. Added to my amazement, two more girls I knew longer admit their feelings and even coming here a single girl admitted her feelings as well. For the first time, I finally felt at ease and that small feeling of hope as well.

But sadly, it didn't last long.....

Recently I have learned the true reason that 'Hikari' admitted her feelings for me was because she wanted to give me that one thing I have been looking while putting herself in a position that she was never comfortable with as she felt she was never really ready in the first place. Rather then making her feeling guilty, I gave her the choice to either try to continue and work it out or end it, well it is easy to see what choice she made.

I know alot of people are wondering why i haven't picked one of the girls yet. The reason is that I wanted to give each one of them a chance as I love and cared for each of them, until the day that each of us would meet in person ad see if the relationship can really be formed from a online to a real one.

If anyone out there that is even reading this and are wondering on what is the point I am getting at....... well there isn't a point. I know that there is no one out there that can help me at this point or make things better. True I have three other girls that I still love and care about, but 'Hikari' special as she was the first one to truly see past my dark history and gave me the love and hope that I needed as badly as a person in a desert needs water. But sadly I know that I am going to have to face this alone as with all other problems I have to deal with in the past.

I guess that deep down, I for once would like to be saved.......

MaveriKat, one of my best friends and people that I trust, is on Fur and I do feel a bit of envious towards him as I know that he has alot of friends here that look out for each other, trust each other and even try to cheer each other up with a artwork or something. Sometimes I wished for those moments but I know that such things may never happen........

Even I doubt that anything will be changed even when I post this, since I am still uncertain that my thoughts and feelings will go unheard of as always.......

Anyway, I better stop here before I lose track of what I wanted to say. I still have to continue on living, fighting a endless battle with whatever life throws at me with a heavy heart of sadness and emotional conflict.......