I haven't been posting here very much/at all lately
I want to be more active, but I just don't have the motivation to create
I'm working on a crochet commission cuz it's relatively mindless work but that's it
I've just been so stressed out and depressed lately, moreso than usual
My welfare/disability pension payments have been helping pay the bills less and less
Last week I had to ask a friend to help me buy food and I couldn't afford my meds so I washed out again
This pay I prioritised getting my meds, some credit for my phone, and groceries, thinking I'd have enough left to pay my best friend back for my share of the power bill but turns out PayPal and my bank had another fight with funds I thought already came out two weeks ago and ended up losing roughly $100 (plus the $50-60 I'm now in the red with PayPal)
Cue my fucking anxiety and wanting to try and fix it or at least get the money elsewhere so I put off telling her for a few days (also out of fear of that disappointed conversation that makes them see you as unreliable) but then she (understandably so) was more upset when she found out that I didn't tell her right away, so the conversation filled with disappointment was even worse
Then she sits down with me and tells me that if I can't start finding other sources of income so I can pay my share of the bills (aside from rent) on time rather than over time, then she can't afford to keep living with me after our current lease is up
I fully understand where she's coming from but that doesn't make it hurt any less
My best friend telling me we can't keep living together because I'm poor and unemployed
Something I've been trying not to be since 2012
I can't afford to live alone anywhere or to even go through the costs of moving so this squarely fucks me
Plus I have pets to take care of and it'll be winter soon
I just broke down and just about had a panic attack while looking up quotes for storage units in case it came to me possibly needing to live in one
Our lease doesn't let up until at least August but I still feel like I'm being thrown out on my ass
And, regardless of how justified the situation is, it still really hurts to hear this from your best friend who normally feels like the one lifeline still keeping you afloat - not even financially, just having someone not give a damn about or be affected by your shitty situation and being there regardless of the hardships you go through and then suddenly it does affect them and your shitty situation becomes who you are because your "worth" as a person being more than just your achievements and income just becomes less and less true and you feel like you've just worn them down and pushed them away and further proves how fucking w o r t h l e s s you are
Not to mention I'm gonna be spending Easter with my mum who's also been having a hard time of things lately so I don't want to do or say anything to make her feel sorry for me because I don't want her to put herself in a bad spot just to help me even though right now I need the emotional support.. /sigh

I'm a huge failure of a human being
I'm 25, unemployed, unqualified, and feel like shit every time I prioritise meds or food over bills
I live well below our national poverty line and I honestly don't know how the fuck to get my life back