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Vent: Struggles
6 years ago
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Okay so earlier i did a vid on Hollow Knight and i had to cut it off early than usual to go listen to an orientation...okay more like a job opportunity for a job hiring on a stream. Long story short, i'm not qualified...and honestly i am still bitter on everything.
Here's the gist, i did a college online course for medical billing and coding, expecting to find work where I don't have to work from home, and i can still be paid money...except not only do i have student debt, but no one is hiring me, no matter how hard i look. I need to have three years of experience, a certified exam taken so i can be a certified coder, and a degree in billing and coding...i only got the degree.
Reason why i got no experience is because the job shadowing, which is basically you work part time at a place for a few hours and they mark down what you did there, no one was hiring me where i live. Plus i flunked the exam despite studying and i have to pay to take those...sadly, i got no money...and there lies my problem. Money.
I got to pay my student loans, i need to get insurance because i'll be taken off my parents and i won't have insurance when i turn twenty-six...next month. And trying to find a job is impossible because they want three years experience, so you see the loop i'm in right?!
Truth is, I stopped caring about finding a job, and this little seminar i did hours ago shows it, I'm fucked basically. all my work was completely wasted and i feel like shit. I'm not looking for a job because no one will hire me, I need money to pay bills and to get insurance and pay off my debts and help my folks, and i also suffer from anxiety issues and want to look into getting help, but can't afford it or sometimes worried they can't help me...
Sometimes...sometimes i actually contemplate suicide you know, just the stress of everything, the hopelessness,s the insanity...it's too much and I can't take it anymore!
I know i'm sounding like i'm whining but i'm just angry, angry that my work was worthless, angry that i can't find a job, and angry that i can't get help...i'm also worried about the fact that Puerto ricans are being treated as second class citizens, given what's going on right now in America (yes, I'm Puerto Rican, tho I don't act like it) i'm worried no one will hire someone like me given all the...well racism in the country. I know it might sound dumb to think like that but it's true, i'm worried soon it won't matter if i get education if the system just screws me over for a lot of things out of my control...
I am sorry for venting like this but i needed tog et it off my chest, okay? I'm just so done with all this and...honestly i don't know what to do. The reason i even game is because of all the stress on me and i just need a escape...yet i've been playing games for so long it's not doing much. I'm not wanting to become a Youtube celebrity, i don't really care much, i just play games because they're fun and i am good at it...and yet, they're my crutch holding me back...but also because of school crushing me when i was young.
See, someone i knew told me in my senior year "you used to be so bright an energetic, now you're quiet, what happened?" i told them "School..." and just went back to reading. See...i got picked on, bullied, a lot, mostly for stuff i stupidly did, commenting on people, annoying them, acting like an idiot...a lot of stuff I've come tor egret...and no one helped me. I sat with people who constantly made fun of me all so i could hang with just one person who treated me nicely. I dreaded going to school and whenever i was sick i would skip whole weeks trying to just get away. I went to the guidance counselor to ask for help and vent...didn't work as far as i could tell. Ultimately at my final year, most of my friends were gone, some left without telling me they did, and i was all alone. when i got my final day, i took my diploma, told my folks what happened and didn't look back as i went to my room.
Ultimately, i wasted my life hiding, afraid, angry, and not wanting to go to school and get a career, all because i was just done with everything. I don't care about the future because there's not one for me, I don't care about finding a job because i can't find one, i just. don't. care. anymore...and i hate it...
again sorry for venting, but i just need to get this off my chest. I'll probably feel better after a few hours after this is up, but for now, just need to say my peace.
Here's the gist, i did a college online course for medical billing and coding, expecting to find work where I don't have to work from home, and i can still be paid money...except not only do i have student debt, but no one is hiring me, no matter how hard i look. I need to have three years of experience, a certified exam taken so i can be a certified coder, and a degree in billing and coding...i only got the degree.
Reason why i got no experience is because the job shadowing, which is basically you work part time at a place for a few hours and they mark down what you did there, no one was hiring me where i live. Plus i flunked the exam despite studying and i have to pay to take those...sadly, i got no money...and there lies my problem. Money.
I got to pay my student loans, i need to get insurance because i'll be taken off my parents and i won't have insurance when i turn twenty-six...next month. And trying to find a job is impossible because they want three years experience, so you see the loop i'm in right?!
Truth is, I stopped caring about finding a job, and this little seminar i did hours ago shows it, I'm fucked basically. all my work was completely wasted and i feel like shit. I'm not looking for a job because no one will hire me, I need money to pay bills and to get insurance and pay off my debts and help my folks, and i also suffer from anxiety issues and want to look into getting help, but can't afford it or sometimes worried they can't help me...
Sometimes...sometimes i actually contemplate suicide you know, just the stress of everything, the hopelessness,s the insanity...it's too much and I can't take it anymore!
I know i'm sounding like i'm whining but i'm just angry, angry that my work was worthless, angry that i can't find a job, and angry that i can't get help...i'm also worried about the fact that Puerto ricans are being treated as second class citizens, given what's going on right now in America (yes, I'm Puerto Rican, tho I don't act like it) i'm worried no one will hire someone like me given all the...well racism in the country. I know it might sound dumb to think like that but it's true, i'm worried soon it won't matter if i get education if the system just screws me over for a lot of things out of my control...
I am sorry for venting like this but i needed tog et it off my chest, okay? I'm just so done with all this and...honestly i don't know what to do. The reason i even game is because of all the stress on me and i just need a escape...yet i've been playing games for so long it's not doing much. I'm not wanting to become a Youtube celebrity, i don't really care much, i just play games because they're fun and i am good at it...and yet, they're my crutch holding me back...but also because of school crushing me when i was young.
See, someone i knew told me in my senior year "you used to be so bright an energetic, now you're quiet, what happened?" i told them "School..." and just went back to reading. See...i got picked on, bullied, a lot, mostly for stuff i stupidly did, commenting on people, annoying them, acting like an idiot...a lot of stuff I've come tor egret...and no one helped me. I sat with people who constantly made fun of me all so i could hang with just one person who treated me nicely. I dreaded going to school and whenever i was sick i would skip whole weeks trying to just get away. I went to the guidance counselor to ask for help and vent...didn't work as far as i could tell. Ultimately at my final year, most of my friends were gone, some left without telling me they did, and i was all alone. when i got my final day, i took my diploma, told my folks what happened and didn't look back as i went to my room.
Ultimately, i wasted my life hiding, afraid, angry, and not wanting to go to school and get a career, all because i was just done with everything. I don't care about the future because there's not one for me, I don't care about finding a job because i can't find one, i just. don't. care. anymore...and i hate it...
again sorry for venting, but i just need to get this off my chest. I'll probably feel better after a few hours after this is up, but for now, just need to say my peace.
