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personal thoughts -- no drama please
6 years ago
betcha thought i was going to comment about current events, huh? nah, this is my own personal bullshit i've been fighting for a long time.
i think the hardest part about being an artist is how hard you tried to keep friendships alive that weren't friendships, but people just using you to feel better about themselves, to use you to get free art or free publicity when they were struggling, that sort of thing. it's hard for artists to find friends, and it's a big reason why i haven't really been openly friendly to folks anywhere, not even here, unless i know i can trust them.
i've been hurt by a lot of people, so it's always hard when i'm on art sites and i see them either spamming their art, or other people spamming their drama or anything, it's like... not a trigger because they don't affect me to the point of going into a panic attack, it just makes me sad. i remember the person i thought they were, and then realize it was just a manifestation, my imagination, instead of the reality.
it just goes to show, anyone can be a dick, and i look back to all the art of characters i have, especially ones i paired off with them, and see their character in it, and it makes me sick. especially with how much of it there is for certain characters. like, hours upon hours of time, wasted, drawing things for them instead of making myself happy. or the fact i had to draw in my own character so i felt that i wasn't just, y'know, wasting time. it's why i love pairing characters but lately i've been like... terrified. so terrified to do anything it's insane i know, right?
i can't even draw for myself anymore without feeling like i'm breaking some cardinal rule. the guilt is so heavy on me, even if i'm not doing commissions anymore and i'm saving up for refunds for people for the art i do owe (but it's kinda hard when you're rarely paid for 100's of hours of manual labor monthly) but like... it still makes me feel bad. like i'm not allowed to be happy or draw for myself because i did once. and then people got super upset, attacking me on social media and things like - they didn't understand i'd finished every tiny piece i had posted the same day, but there was just so much of it they didn't believe me since i hadn't streamed it or anything. i could show timestamps and such but it wouldn't do any good. they were looking for reasons to tear me down and make a joke out of me because they were miserable with their own lives and that was what put the final nail in the coffin, like, it was the final straw for me.
i only drew for myself for free advertisement for commission work, and when i stopped doing commissions... i just stopped all together. i don't know how to get back into it, i just can't bring myself to be an artist anymore because of all of the negativity behind it. like, i don't know, i feel like i'm ashamed or something shameful so no one would care about my art even if i posted it except for the few close friends i do have. not to say the folks who do favorite my art, like my art etc aren't worth something of course, but it is sporradic and rare for it to the point like, i forgot how to just... enjoy art. to indulge in shipping work, to make myself feel like something or worth something again.
i don't know what i'm supposed to do anymore and i kinda feel like i've abandoned something i spent 17 years of my life trying to make good. i'm 'okay' now, or at least I was, but i don't feel like i was ever decent enough to keep going or that i should. i'm just... lost. and afraid. is that weird? to like, be scared to post my own artwork or draw anything that's not supposed to be making money? i don't know if that's burnout or commission artist ptsd or what but i just
i miss it, and i'm actually crying now because i want to draw so badly but at the same time it's like everything in me screams to not do it, to not do it ever again. i'm such a loser i swear to god.
i think the hardest part about being an artist is how hard you tried to keep friendships alive that weren't friendships, but people just using you to feel better about themselves, to use you to get free art or free publicity when they were struggling, that sort of thing. it's hard for artists to find friends, and it's a big reason why i haven't really been openly friendly to folks anywhere, not even here, unless i know i can trust them.
i've been hurt by a lot of people, so it's always hard when i'm on art sites and i see them either spamming their art, or other people spamming their drama or anything, it's like... not a trigger because they don't affect me to the point of going into a panic attack, it just makes me sad. i remember the person i thought they were, and then realize it was just a manifestation, my imagination, instead of the reality.
it just goes to show, anyone can be a dick, and i look back to all the art of characters i have, especially ones i paired off with them, and see their character in it, and it makes me sick. especially with how much of it there is for certain characters. like, hours upon hours of time, wasted, drawing things for them instead of making myself happy. or the fact i had to draw in my own character so i felt that i wasn't just, y'know, wasting time. it's why i love pairing characters but lately i've been like... terrified. so terrified to do anything it's insane i know, right?
i can't even draw for myself anymore without feeling like i'm breaking some cardinal rule. the guilt is so heavy on me, even if i'm not doing commissions anymore and i'm saving up for refunds for people for the art i do owe (but it's kinda hard when you're rarely paid for 100's of hours of manual labor monthly) but like... it still makes me feel bad. like i'm not allowed to be happy or draw for myself because i did once. and then people got super upset, attacking me on social media and things like - they didn't understand i'd finished every tiny piece i had posted the same day, but there was just so much of it they didn't believe me since i hadn't streamed it or anything. i could show timestamps and such but it wouldn't do any good. they were looking for reasons to tear me down and make a joke out of me because they were miserable with their own lives and that was what put the final nail in the coffin, like, it was the final straw for me.
i only drew for myself for free advertisement for commission work, and when i stopped doing commissions... i just stopped all together. i don't know how to get back into it, i just can't bring myself to be an artist anymore because of all of the negativity behind it. like, i don't know, i feel like i'm ashamed or something shameful so no one would care about my art even if i posted it except for the few close friends i do have. not to say the folks who do favorite my art, like my art etc aren't worth something of course, but it is sporradic and rare for it to the point like, i forgot how to just... enjoy art. to indulge in shipping work, to make myself feel like something or worth something again.
i don't know what i'm supposed to do anymore and i kinda feel like i've abandoned something i spent 17 years of my life trying to make good. i'm 'okay' now, or at least I was, but i don't feel like i was ever decent enough to keep going or that i should. i'm just... lost. and afraid. is that weird? to like, be scared to post my own artwork or draw anything that's not supposed to be making money? i don't know if that's burnout or commission artist ptsd or what but i just
i miss it, and i'm actually crying now because i want to draw so badly but at the same time it's like everything in me screams to not do it, to not do it ever again. i'm such a loser i swear to god.
I know how it feels to lose "friends", then look back and see that... they never were actual friends.
It's even worse to lose ACTUAL friends over who-nows-what, as they just vanish from the net with no explanation.
I'm kinda in the same boat as you now. I'm -scared- of making friends, so I keep everyone at arms length. I have people I chat with, but just like...3 or 4 actual -friends- online.
I just... draw for me, and for commishes. I basicly don't do gifts. I usually don't do freebies.
I made myself -want- to draw for myself. I decided I'll go greedy and that luckily worked for me.
I draw for me 'cause I know no one else will. And if anyone does, is 'cause -they- wanted to, so I owe them nothing unless I -feel- like drawing for them.
Maybe that coud work for you?
Draw to prove yourself you can do it for you. Not for the likes, not for the comments. Just for YOU.
After all, you're the one who should matter the most to you.
I've learned that I can and only will draw for friends of mine that have been with me for years. And aren't going anywhere. I'm in no mood to deal with people using me to pad their trade folders or anything anymore. I'm exhausted from it, and from people.
As to my main concern about art -- I'm also tired of being afraid to draw. I'm tired of my hands always hurting, and the guilt, and my body almost shutting down so I don't really know how to work around it to just draw for me if I can barely hold the pen somedays. Everything hurts and it feels like the ends don't justify the means. My perfectionism hurts me, I want everything perfect, and then?
As an artist, or at least the type of artist I am, I thrive on a community input. And when I get none? It's like -- I feel completely ostracized from the community, that I'm a nobody. And then when I don't constantly draw a million pictures a day, it's impossible to be seen. Hence why my art is so scarce and few right now it's... Exhausting.
I won't ask for art. I won't bug you to chat when you don't feel like.
I just wanna talk random things once in a while, if you feel like =P
You worked hard to get excellent at artsing. Having been hurt by sharing that with people in the past, you're afraid that if you do it again, you'll be hurt again. But art is inside you, it's a seed that you nurtured and helped grow, and damn the reasons, it's there now. You can turn your back on that, and change, and redefine yourself, but it doesn't sound at all like you want to, so there's really only one course of action, and that's past this. It might take a long time to feel alright, but if you want to draw, even if you just want to do it for yourself (no commissioners, no friends or whatever) then do that! Do it for you, for whatever you want to draw, and to hell with what anybody else thinks or if nobody cares.
Though I think people will still care, it shouldn't matter if they do, because you should be in this for yourself anyway. You're the most important person in your own life. People come and people go, but you're the only person who will be with you from the moment you're born til the day you die. You have to take care of that relationship with yourself before you can care about anybody else.
So fuckit! Fake friends, users, jerks... Screw all of 'em. Take care of you.
And if you're only drawing for yourself, you might be your worst critic, but you'll never stop being your own friend.
...Anyways, that's my take on it. I'd recommend seeing a therapist if you can, but I also say that to literally everybody no matter how well adjusted. What, you can take your car for a tuneup, you can take your cat to the vet, but you're how many years old and never saw a brain doctor? (Said in my most nagging mother voice.)
If you ever just need somebody to talk to, you can note me. I'm usually on Discord and happy to listen! ♥
The medical care for my situation is so ABYSMAL out here, and while I know what medicines do and don't work, it's a nightmare to get the presecription without forking out 300$ to be seen, and another 300$ for 30 days worth of pills. I just don't have that kind of money, and yes, I am sincerely and ACTIVELY job hunting / searching but other medical conditions are limiting what I can do. I can't even apply for disability because I'm not 'disabled enough' or any other excuse the government has been giving me as to why I can't even think of seeing a lawyer to help it's just -- it's SUCH a nightmare to deal with out here and I'm ready to rip my hair out for my own medical health.
All of it ties into the fact that I know it's these conditions that are making it impossible for me to move on and just do the fuckit adjustment and draw for myself. I'm scared to do that because if I owe ANYTHING (especially for how long I've owed art I feel H O R R I B L E for how long I've made people wait in the past too) I feel that immeasurable guilt like 'you're so selfish you fat turd why aren't you working' and god all mighty do I hate it.