I have some things on my mind right now, and feel like talking about them, so here we go.

I've been having a rough time. The new job stresses me out a bit, and I feel upset over how directionless my life feels like. I had spend so many years dreaming of moving to Germany, that now with the dream completed (even if I did return to Poland) I'm left with no real goals to strive for. At times life feels like pure vegetation. Doing stuff, stressing out, and just looking at the clock, waiting for the grim reaper to show up.

I did have some conversations about this with a few friends, and it seems like I simply feel lonely, and I'd wish I had some offline friends to hang out with. That was the idea of Germany. I wanted to be close to some people. Sadly the one friend that I had there is gone, and the 2 new friendships that I made there just didn't work out too well. Now I'm here, all alone again.

I thought about trying to get to know someone new in this very place. The workplace doesn't seem to work all that great, so I tried getting friends with a hobby. I tried going to a game-store, and play some Magic The Gathering with the people there. I was failing at both making friends, and the game itself. Somehow in my mind, I could not help but fuse one and two together... that I need to get good at the game, to get the attention from people. Pathetic, childish and idiotic, I know.

Over half a year, I changed the formats that I played in, the decks that I had used too. The most recent change had me spend hundreds of dollars on a deck that I had read great things about. Even when coming with it to the store, people were impressed........ but they pulverized me. Apparently the deck is strong, it's just weak in the only format where it's playable in.

I felt so sad... I kept trying to slowly improve it, but it's no good. So this week, on Tuesday, I entered the store with a different mindset:
"I am going to get my ass kicked. I am hopeless. I will lose. I stand no chance against anybody. I will not win anything. Even someone playing for the first time will crush me. I am just going there to meet some people, try to talk, and try to have some fun."

However, as pathetic and sad of a wish as that was........ when I entered the store, everybody was already playing. I was told I could join once they'd finish, so I sat down, and after an hour.... they were still not done. It didn't even look like they were finishing. They just kept talking, playing, while I began questioning what mockery I am being made of here. Even with my expectations so depressingly low..... I still get disappointed. I sat there for an hour, until I had enough. I went home being extremely angry and sad.

I realize this was but one crappy evening, but it feels like "the straw that broke the camel's back". I began to feel intense anger. I left all online groups related to Magic The Gathering. While at it, I left several online groups that I had been a part of. I went on a major purge of my social media, unfollowing a lot of people, wanting to get rid of a lot of junk that I was angry over. I had this feeling of injustice. That I'm forced to be so sad and lonely. I tried so many things, was willing to go to some crazy lengths to get them, but in the end........ nope, no chance loser.

I am aware how ridiculous and childish this must sound coming from such a small and unimportant thing, but it must have been a bubble that's been in my head, and it simply finally burst. I feel intense anger at humanity and the world as a whole. I am angry that I'm so lonely, that I can't make proper contact with people. Even the online world isn't what it used to. I legit think about sick stuff like... if the world ended tomorrow, that'd be pretty neat. Not talking about specific groups of people, or taking myself out this or anything. I feel like it's all disgusting and wretched, so it might as well go away.

So yeah, a card game was enough to push me towards desiring an apocalypse. think about that, the next time you call a movie villain's motivation idiotic!