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I've got another confession to make..
6 years ago
I haven't been touching art much at all. I've been playing Ark Survival.
BUT WHY KURA!? WHYYYY...
because depression and anxiety is eating me to bloody pieces (literally because I pick my skin apart when I'm anxious, it's almost subconscious behavior. I look like a fucking teenager with how scabbed my face is right now)
BUT WHY...
because..well.. for Visa reasons. I have to fly back to the USA. To leave my mate, my love, my home, the friends here, this beautiful place I have lived at for over 2 years. ..I have to return to St.Louis area. And it's wonderful to see family again, to eat the food there, to live with my best friends that have a room for me. IT IS..
but it's also going to be at least a year without Dracius. Without his warmth in my bed, his hugs... I have spent every day with him for years now. The one day I spent without him cause he was on a trip with the boys, I had my worst panic attack.
And now I have to go a YEAR?
And I have to walk back into my old home to see my family and get my things. This attic I lived in is where all my nightmares choose to play out. THAT ROOM. (and first home we had too, in California.) ..this is my PTSD hellhole.
And it's all fucking eating me to pieces.
I was getting back in a groove..I was doing SO much more art again. Finishing these BIG beautiful painted pieces.
And then this fucking hits me and I have completely fallen apart. And all I can do to stay sane is try and ignore its looming shadow and play with Dinosaurs and new friends on Discord. And it's starting to wear off the closer we get to August.
I feel like I'm failing you guys.. you wait SO long for my art as is.
And I..I have no more excuses. I'm just trash. And I really love you all for your patience and kindness.
Fuck. ..once I'm in the USA though. Im really going to be..changed. And I have to suck it up, grow up, I HAVE to find a REAL job. SO I can pay off things and buy my mate a ticket to see me. I HAVE to. I have to focus on reality.
And I have to finish all this owed art.
BUT WHY KURA!? WHYYYY...
because depression and anxiety is eating me to bloody pieces (literally because I pick my skin apart when I'm anxious, it's almost subconscious behavior. I look like a fucking teenager with how scabbed my face is right now)
BUT WHY...
because..well.. for Visa reasons. I have to fly back to the USA. To leave my mate, my love, my home, the friends here, this beautiful place I have lived at for over 2 years. ..I have to return to St.Louis area. And it's wonderful to see family again, to eat the food there, to live with my best friends that have a room for me. IT IS..
but it's also going to be at least a year without Dracius. Without his warmth in my bed, his hugs... I have spent every day with him for years now. The one day I spent without him cause he was on a trip with the boys, I had my worst panic attack.
And now I have to go a YEAR?
And I have to walk back into my old home to see my family and get my things. This attic I lived in is where all my nightmares choose to play out. THAT ROOM. (and first home we had too, in California.) ..this is my PTSD hellhole.
And it's all fucking eating me to pieces.
I was getting back in a groove..I was doing SO much more art again. Finishing these BIG beautiful painted pieces.
And then this fucking hits me and I have completely fallen apart. And all I can do to stay sane is try and ignore its looming shadow and play with Dinosaurs and new friends on Discord. And it's starting to wear off the closer we get to August.
I feel like I'm failing you guys.. you wait SO long for my art as is.
And I..I have no more excuses. I'm just trash. And I really love you all for your patience and kindness.
Fuck. ..once I'm in the USA though. Im really going to be..changed. And I have to suck it up, grow up, I HAVE to find a REAL job. SO I can pay off things and buy my mate a ticket to see me. I HAVE to. I have to focus on reality.
And I have to finish all this owed art.
Buuuut... It is a very good opportunity for self-growth, and to work on yourself as a person. Uncomfortable situations can force us out of our comfort zone and give us 'motivation' to fix things we've previously been quite happy to just leave be. I'm sure you can think of a few... And during the time you're away, you're going to find out a LOT about what really matters to you in life. Which can be hard to figure out any other way if I'm honest (we assume a bunch of things we really want like a stable job, a nice house, etc etc, but it's not until those things are taken away that we realize they weren't what we really wanted).
Anyway - you can make it through this, and you should enjoy the time you have left with those you love. Consider using the last while to get things you'll need for your trip sorted - like skin cream, a therapist or psychologist who can do Skype (that helped me a ton), and creature comforts that'd make having to return to your family home more bearable.
Life is about how we choose to respond to challenges - and I know you can knock it out of the park <3
Oh god, isn't that the worst? It's like your hands have a mind of their own, going after 'foreign bodies' that you know don't even exist. I've found that mini island bandages can help sometimes.
Hey. If you ever need to talk to someone but feel like you can't talk to someone too close, drop me a line and I'll be happy to listen.
Does it take a year to renew the visa?