That's what makes all the difference.
My brother is home for the weekend and if you're me, you hate my brother with a burning, seething resentment for him being a little jackass who takes things without asking, never got punished (but did get you punished) and was given a special treatment as he grew up. My brother is the son my parents always wanted. Masculine, into sports, math oriented, first job interview gave him a career, moved out before me, extremely confident in himself and well liked. Or from my perspective he's obnoxious, self-absorbed, arrogant, lucky in ways I can't dream of and favored over me. While I was keeping my mother from drowning in her own vomit, he was no where to be found, the little asswipe.

I learned my parents loved my brother more than me when I was 14. My mom informed me that I was just such a world class fuck up she was going to "wash her hands" of me. A few months later she told me her greatest regret was not aborting me when she had the chance. She was at the time on a major pill bender and my dad insisted she didn't mean it. Except, she did. The pills just removed her inhibitions.

The thing is what reinforced the idea my parents loved my brother more wasn't a big thing. It was all of the little things. Like asking him how his day went every day but never asking me and then accusing me of snapping at them. Telling my brother he can leave a job he hates and they'll support him while forcing me to work nights at Walmart so I "would learn some responsibility". Claiming they recognize how hard I'm working for my teacher certification, while also constantly telling me everything I've got going on can wait and I need to do what they want now.

Constantly telling my brother he could have a future making movies, while telling me writing is too risky and it would be a waste to try.

My tf stories, hell my non-tf stories, almost always involve characters trying to escape something. They almost always are distant from their families and frustrated by bad hands life keeps dealing them. Have I fucked up in life? Christ in Heaven yes, it took me years to figure out what I wanted to do. I can be flat out mean and my anxiety leads me to make stupid decisions I regret long term. I constantly worry about pushing people away only to push them away when trying not to. I'm so jealous of other people I have vile, borderline evil thoughts about friends from time to time.

But that doesn't mean I deserve any of this stuff.  vrraven says my family uses me for an emotional punching bag. And Noir I must say you are a wolf among men, and completely correct. My parents claim they love each other. They don't. they despise each other. But they do what most Southern people do when they hate each other, pretend they don't and take out their frustrations on someone else, so long as the surface looks good. Remember as long as you look happy then it's as good as being happy.  matthiasrat you must tell me sometime what it's like to be a parent who loves your spouse and child. Is it as wonderful as it seems?

I'm right now just trying to get through my certification and then escape. I am still going to get my PhD, not because I need it but because I want it and my parents told me that it would be a waste and pointless. First of all "bringing me joy" isn't pointless, it has the point that it would make me happy. It would be proof I'm not the idiot you guys have tried to convince me I am. People wonder, "Why are you such a know it all?" Because my family has drilled into me I know zilch, so by God I'm going to prove them wrong.

I could have spent this weekend at AC with  rimme, , and others I'm too exhausted to list. But I'm going to spend the weekend here with my family, so I can focus on getting the hell out of here. I'm dragging my belly across a razor's edge, crawling, bleeding and surviving.