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Anxious
6 years ago
Big wall of text of my state of mind.
Months have come and gone and my social moods have as well. Sometimes I've tried to reconnect with a few folks and the next I'm isolating myself again. I'm not feeling the best.
The year has been interesting. Around february, the domestic employee my family had hired for over 10 years had to leave and since it has been difficult, to say the least. It's pathetic, but I felt exhausted only from cleaning the dogs' and guinea pigs' pens every day, sweeping and dusting parts of the house and having to help cook. It' sbasic. It's ridiculous, but I had not been used to barely any of it throughout many years. As months have gone by, I have made myself the idea and routine as to do it everyday and to appreciate time better, but it's difficult. Very difficult.
I'm more willing to help in things around the house. I'm aware they have to be done. I cannot help to get frustrated or even angry when I see how nonchalantly the rest of my family sometimes do not do as many tasks as I get myself doing, but I feel hypocritical at myself for it a lot. I'm aware of how hard my father works, I'm aware mom keeps looking for jobs and works and how hard it hits her. I'm aware my sister tries to gather experience in making plushies to start getting money from it, but I feel left out in having to do so many things where I could be indeed helping out with art comissions. I know it isn't the case and I try to tell myself that it is not unfair, it just is.
My grades went bad this last semester as I almost did not pass a course. On one side, the amount of content felt overwhelming. I had a hard time navigating through all the files and concepts introduced to the course during the second half of the semester in web Development and I basically only passed due to my final project teammate working on it -job- and knowing how do do it. I barely made the final passing grade thanks to the professor's consideration due to how I did on the exams, and I jonestly did not put enough effort to the class form that same lack of time from the extra work at home.
I've barely done any arts from myself this year. My folder has mostly colorworks to other artists' sketches. The little pics I make are mostly refinements of older pictures that I like. I'm aware my art is better than before, but I've had a hard time wanting to sketch digitally at all. Traditional has been a good return, but I don't do it enough. It's been good to retake it for doodles in paper and it helped me to ease my mind, but I feel my creativity pales out compared to prior years.
I felt supremely anxious at times during the semester, but I have been getting better. The summer period had a rough class that I did not have an easy time as I thought I would. The class was from 16:00 to 20:00 three days a week, and due to my terrible sleep habits, I would wake very late, spend a long time in the daily duties, do the bare minimum as to my project duties whilst it. I would return very late home, annoyed and frustrated, not wanting to know anything from school, and thus losing time in gaming or art. I don't know if I should have passed as I did, in all honesty. I got a big fat eight as a final grade and I don't even know if I deserve it.
As of now, I have been in vacation for a week. I'll resume classes for the regular semester in several weeks and I have time for myself. Cool. Except I'm not feeling the best.
Recently, out of my complaints, both mom and my sister moved a bunch of stuff we have under the stairs to help make me more space for my drumset, as it's always tight. It feels good to practice again after leaving it for so long. As of the house, I've been cleaning and doing other things. Just today though, my mind has been rather struck. We have piles of things that get to the ceiling in many shelves and bookshelves in rooms and aisles. My father scale models to make to a point it feels compulsory. Mom has a terrible habit of piling and saving things from the past from both attachment and possibility of use that both my sister and I have inherited.
Just today, dusting off my room, I started getting anxious looking at -everything-. What do I even use of this? I can name a few things that I honestly appreciate form my room, yet so many are there simple -stored- because of lack of space in other places. The airplane models aren't mine. The submarine models dad bought for me -as I said I prefer ships and he just took that as a sign to buy a bunch of things- are all over my desk. There are piles of VHS tapes, both movies and completely virgin ones that reach to my ceiling. I have so many books from when I was a child. Toys. Plushies. Papers. Machines under my bed. I'm cramped up in stuff and I'm not okay.
How do I even get rid of this? I feel it wrong to only trash them. I want to go out and try a garage sale, but who would even buy them? How do oI detatch from stuff that feels more like scenery than stuff, even?
Two years ago, I wanted to rid myself of old clothes. I felt the same way. I snapped pictures of the old shirts and whatnot and stored them in a folder in the computer. "Photographs I'm aware I'll never look at again". It felt stupid, but it let me let go. Now it's a bunch of wasted space in my drive, but how do I dare delete it? Is it even worth to? What's right to keep? What hinders me? I gave those clothes to that same domestic employee, but she never took them. They have been bagged and folded in the laundry for two years, as well.
I don't know what to do. I left my room from the building anxiety to come type all this. It's only a shout to the void. Maybe I'll think and come up with something. I just need to look away at something else and distract myself from these thoughts for some time. Maybe tomorrow I can figure it.
Anyways, if you got here, thanks for your time.
***************
Queue:
2x inks
overdue colors
- I owe him payment for being in a pic
- same as above
finishing my part of an art trade
same as above
I'll prolly update my price sheet soon if I dare work my stuff
Months have come and gone and my social moods have as well. Sometimes I've tried to reconnect with a few folks and the next I'm isolating myself again. I'm not feeling the best.
The year has been interesting. Around february, the domestic employee my family had hired for over 10 years had to leave and since it has been difficult, to say the least. It's pathetic, but I felt exhausted only from cleaning the dogs' and guinea pigs' pens every day, sweeping and dusting parts of the house and having to help cook. It' sbasic. It's ridiculous, but I had not been used to barely any of it throughout many years. As months have gone by, I have made myself the idea and routine as to do it everyday and to appreciate time better, but it's difficult. Very difficult.
I'm more willing to help in things around the house. I'm aware they have to be done. I cannot help to get frustrated or even angry when I see how nonchalantly the rest of my family sometimes do not do as many tasks as I get myself doing, but I feel hypocritical at myself for it a lot. I'm aware of how hard my father works, I'm aware mom keeps looking for jobs and works and how hard it hits her. I'm aware my sister tries to gather experience in making plushies to start getting money from it, but I feel left out in having to do so many things where I could be indeed helping out with art comissions. I know it isn't the case and I try to tell myself that it is not unfair, it just is.
My grades went bad this last semester as I almost did not pass a course. On one side, the amount of content felt overwhelming. I had a hard time navigating through all the files and concepts introduced to the course during the second half of the semester in web Development and I basically only passed due to my final project teammate working on it -job- and knowing how do do it. I barely made the final passing grade thanks to the professor's consideration due to how I did on the exams, and I jonestly did not put enough effort to the class form that same lack of time from the extra work at home.
I've barely done any arts from myself this year. My folder has mostly colorworks to other artists' sketches. The little pics I make are mostly refinements of older pictures that I like. I'm aware my art is better than before, but I've had a hard time wanting to sketch digitally at all. Traditional has been a good return, but I don't do it enough. It's been good to retake it for doodles in paper and it helped me to ease my mind, but I feel my creativity pales out compared to prior years.
I felt supremely anxious at times during the semester, but I have been getting better. The summer period had a rough class that I did not have an easy time as I thought I would. The class was from 16:00 to 20:00 three days a week, and due to my terrible sleep habits, I would wake very late, spend a long time in the daily duties, do the bare minimum as to my project duties whilst it. I would return very late home, annoyed and frustrated, not wanting to know anything from school, and thus losing time in gaming or art. I don't know if I should have passed as I did, in all honesty. I got a big fat eight as a final grade and I don't even know if I deserve it.
As of now, I have been in vacation for a week. I'll resume classes for the regular semester in several weeks and I have time for myself. Cool. Except I'm not feeling the best.
Recently, out of my complaints, both mom and my sister moved a bunch of stuff we have under the stairs to help make me more space for my drumset, as it's always tight. It feels good to practice again after leaving it for so long. As of the house, I've been cleaning and doing other things. Just today though, my mind has been rather struck. We have piles of things that get to the ceiling in many shelves and bookshelves in rooms and aisles. My father scale models to make to a point it feels compulsory. Mom has a terrible habit of piling and saving things from the past from both attachment and possibility of use that both my sister and I have inherited.
Just today, dusting off my room, I started getting anxious looking at -everything-. What do I even use of this? I can name a few things that I honestly appreciate form my room, yet so many are there simple -stored- because of lack of space in other places. The airplane models aren't mine. The submarine models dad bought for me -as I said I prefer ships and he just took that as a sign to buy a bunch of things- are all over my desk. There are piles of VHS tapes, both movies and completely virgin ones that reach to my ceiling. I have so many books from when I was a child. Toys. Plushies. Papers. Machines under my bed. I'm cramped up in stuff and I'm not okay.
How do I even get rid of this? I feel it wrong to only trash them. I want to go out and try a garage sale, but who would even buy them? How do oI detatch from stuff that feels more like scenery than stuff, even?
Two years ago, I wanted to rid myself of old clothes. I felt the same way. I snapped pictures of the old shirts and whatnot and stored them in a folder in the computer. "Photographs I'm aware I'll never look at again". It felt stupid, but it let me let go. Now it's a bunch of wasted space in my drive, but how do I dare delete it? Is it even worth to? What's right to keep? What hinders me? I gave those clothes to that same domestic employee, but she never took them. They have been bagged and folded in the laundry for two years, as well.
I don't know what to do. I left my room from the building anxiety to come type all this. It's only a shout to the void. Maybe I'll think and come up with something. I just need to look away at something else and distract myself from these thoughts for some time. Maybe tomorrow I can figure it.
Anyways, if you got here, thanks for your time.
***************
Queue:
2x inks
overdue colors
- I owe him payment for being in a pic
- same as above
finishing my part of an art trade
same as aboveI'll prolly update my price sheet soon if I dare work my stuff
You got this, Vic. Don't ever give up and just keep on going. All the best for ya. <3