I don't like talking about this, but I feel like I should.

I've been questioning my sexuality for a long time. I haven't been attracted to anyone in high school. I feel like I'd need a strong emotional bond. Perhaps I might have been attracted to a high school friend, but I'd never tell him about it.

College was a horrible time for me. I was out of state and I knew no one. I developed intense depression and anxiety. I stayed up until 6 in the morning every single night. I was still questioning my sexuality. During this time, I made this account on Fur Affinity and started drawing NSFW TF art. I remember doing art commissions, but in all honesty, I got uncomfortable with them that I stopped. Now, I only draw for myself.

During my junior year of college in 2015, there were two separate occasions where a gay fan of my artwork started messaging me online. As far as I know, neither of them are on FA now. I was depressed, reclusive, and still questioning. I was anxious, but I wanted them to know that I was a chill guy. I wanted to make them happy.

It was innocuous at first, with a couple of harmless selfies. Then it quickly turned sexual. They were very open and upfront about it, and I was uncomfortable. I told them that I was questioning. They responded, "You don't seem like you're questioning. ;)"

Soon after, came the unsolicited nude pictures. Ass shots. Dick pics. I didn't know what to do. That never happened to me before. Did this come with the territory of drawing NSFW art? Depressed, awkward college student that I was, I wanted to keep up a cool appearance online, but I was shocked. On both occasions, and these interactions with the two separate people were going on at the same time, I felt like I was playing a mind-game with these fans that I was going to lose. It felt like they were subtly guilt-tripping me. They shares and got nothing in return. And shouldn't relationships be a two-way street?

Eventually, I broke. I cared more about them and their happiness than myself. With some convincing, I took some pictures of my own. I was questioning and maybe this would help me figure out my sexuality, I told myself. It didn't. I ended up feeling disgusted with myself. It didn't stop there. I'd continue chatting with these two fans until the end of the college term. I'd end up reading about their sexual fantasies and what they'd like to do to me if we'd ever end up meeting. Thankfully, that never happened.

I became so depressed that I needed to take an academic leave of absence. I started going to therapy and taking medicine. While those instances didn't cause my depression, they definitely contributed to it. I blocked those fans from social media and haven't heard from them since.

Not only has this impacted my ability to figure out my sexuality, it impacted how I would interact with the furry TF community. I never even considered myself as a furry to begin with. I just like seeing people turn into animals.

If I seem distant or aloof, this is why.

I'm sure this could happen again, but at least I know how to deal with it now.