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On the nature of failure
6 years ago
I woke up today with clarity.
Rough doesn't begin to describe the past couple of years. Failure after failure after failure. Grad school, being sexually assaulted in my sleep, problems with friends, failed relationships, horrible illness, spinal injury, family issues, dogs dying in my arms, failure, and endings. It's all a part of my life, now.
My roles in each incident and my reactions are entirely my own fault, and I lacked the capacity to move on in friendships that had not been able to support me through certain things. Again, that's my fault. No matter how much I tried, I was unable to get to a point that I felt safe reaching back to certain friends reaching out to me, friends who had let me drop when I wasn't able to deal. That's a me problem, not a them problem.
I feel so utterly cold inside, I said that I loved them and needed to say goodbye. The feeling's close to the same as when one of my friends died of cancer, with the sensation that if I was stronger I might be able to undo it. But it's been 9 months, they've been waiting, and I've not been able to do it. It's time to call it what it is and accept it rather than leave them flailing in the wind, because I do love them even if I don't feel safe around them.
Failure hurts, but there are only so many minutes in a lifetime. At some point you have to reclaim your time from failure. Especially when your own failure induces it in others.
It really just about feels like two of my friends died, though.
Rough doesn't begin to describe the past couple of years. Failure after failure after failure. Grad school, being sexually assaulted in my sleep, problems with friends, failed relationships, horrible illness, spinal injury, family issues, dogs dying in my arms, failure, and endings. It's all a part of my life, now.
My roles in each incident and my reactions are entirely my own fault, and I lacked the capacity to move on in friendships that had not been able to support me through certain things. Again, that's my fault. No matter how much I tried, I was unable to get to a point that I felt safe reaching back to certain friends reaching out to me, friends who had let me drop when I wasn't able to deal. That's a me problem, not a them problem.
I feel so utterly cold inside, I said that I loved them and needed to say goodbye. The feeling's close to the same as when one of my friends died of cancer, with the sensation that if I was stronger I might be able to undo it. But it's been 9 months, they've been waiting, and I've not been able to do it. It's time to call it what it is and accept it rather than leave them flailing in the wind, because I do love them even if I don't feel safe around them.
Failure hurts, but there are only so many minutes in a lifetime. At some point you have to reclaim your time from failure. Especially when your own failure induces it in others.
It really just about feels like two of my friends died, though.
I've had so many failures in my life that I have then compounded by spending way too much time thinking about them--certainly, I think it is important to evaluate them so you can learn from them, but I've had a tendency to give them too much power over my own life, and so I can certainly see the sense in your moving on.
As always, I am sorry to hear such news, sorry to hear of your sadness. I wish there was more joy and good news in your life so I could happy to hear it.
*hugs*
There'll be good news, soon. Another 2k words, going down, tonight!