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Random journal update I guess
6 years ago
Wasn't gonna post this because I've posted like what four of these in the last month? year maybe? fuck if I know I haven't been paying attention to time lately.
Or ever. Everyday feels like the same day.
Sorry for not replying to notes yet, I have to go through them (again) because some of them I am unsure if I even read and I may have replied the wrong WIPS to at least three different people, or haven't replied at all, or FA hasn't sent them.
I've got four or five(haven't checked, somewhere in this spectrum) commissions almost completed lines or partially lined. I somehow got it into my stupid fukin skull linearting a bunch of stuff would've made things faster then I could speed through them but then I discovered linearting somehow takes twice as long as coloring AND completing.
So that plan was like, a failure I guess.
Got two or three partially colored and ready for completion, I finished one tonight
I just discovered that my commission list is actually twice as long as I fricken thought
like I dunno I thought it was smaller then just noticed "oh shit I have a LOT of stuff to do". I didn't realize like a lot of time has gone by since a bunch of them was bought, I admit my depression makes every day the same day until I realize its nearly 2020 already and I've basically done nothing and I'm going to be fucking 20 years old this year. What a fucking waste of my existence. Should've given it to someone else, Jesus.
If I didn't have bills to pay and was currently unemployed Id have quit commissions on the shame of my management skills alone. God I suck and can't get my shit together.
I always feel like a little bitch admitting when I have issues because they always feel like excuses. I guess they are but some of them are shit I can't seem to change.
I feel mentally unwell lately, well I've felt mentally unwell for years now since I developed basically clinical hypochondriasis. It is uncontrollable and doesn't go away. I should really be on fucking meds. I don't like talking about it with generally anyone because I feel like as soon as people see hypochondriac they're gonna think "oh its over worrier again". There's I think being a over worrier and then there's the shit I have and it fucks you up. I know nothing is wrong with me but anxiety says I'm dying or some shit. Get a migraine? I'm probably having a stroke. See whit eye spots? Aneurysm or something. Heart pain from drinking nearly a gallon of Tea? probably gonna have a heart attack soon. I don't even know why I care, I've long since lost the desire to live so why do I still have medical panic attacks? Shouldn't I be welcoming the idea of dying at this point? I'm stuck between "wow I wish I was dead" and worrying I'm dying. It's like being scared of snakes but wanting it to bite you. eff me.
Has anyone here seen IT? I am literally that fucking kid with asthma who has panic attacks and asthma attacks every 15 minutes. That is me. I'm not fucking around that is literally me, I am that kid. I thought when I seen that it movies years ago it was a joke, no one can really be like that. I became the thing I feared.
Don't get me started on the fucking depression and anxiety and paranoia. I never feel safe. We had two peeps burst into our yard a few months ago(in fucking July I think) and while they had no weapons, infact I think they were running from the cops on fucking weed charges) and the cops caught them in under ten minutes I lost my shit and legit thought this is it, my entire family is going to fucking die. I'm gonna be those people on those crime documentaries where someone breaks in and murders the entire family.
Nothing happened but I lost my shit and ever since then I haven't felt ok. I am a little bitch. Nothing fucking happened but I have the trauma of someone who watched someone die in front of them because I'm a pussy and anxiety has fucked me up. I alternate between not sleeping for days on end to sleeping for two days straight. My life is literally sleep, don't sleep, have anxiety uncontrollably, sleep and vice versa. I don't draw for myself anymore, in fact if I didn't have commissions I'd not be drawing at all. Not that that makes me feel artistically better or anything but there you go. I drew like two fucking doodles I posted on DA and that was like the first thing I did in fucking forever fml. I drew like Pennywise or some shit I can't remember.
And new development! I'm fucking light sensitive. There are some things I can't watch anymore because they make me fucking dizzy. Great. I couldn't sit through certain portions of Incredibles 2 and I couldn't see the ending for IT chapter 2. Great limitations FML.
So yea I'm sorry I'm shitty at fucking everything, I can't do anything right. I thought I'd be on top of shit by now but it just feels like nothing ever changes, my anxiety gets better sometimes but then it doesn't. I try to ignore it and pretend its not there but nothing helps. I was doing ok-ish for a week or so maybe but our dog died as of three days ago from a violent out of nowhere seizure(she was old and had medical issues no one knew about despite like five vet trips. It was literally she's doing absolutely ok for a dog her age, oh her gums look pale lets take her to the vet, then she just died like that. In about 5 seconds.) so I've been doing even worse with the death of the dog we've had since I was like fucking 8 and I'm almost 20 now. She wasn't supposed to die this soon and out of nowhere. I wasn't there when she died because I didn't think she had anything seriously wrong with her. She was perfectly healthy then a sudden seizure and died within five seconds. I wasn't there and I should've been. I wanted to sleep because I was feeling shitty so I opted out of the vet trip where she died in the car after getting out of the office.
I wasn't there and now she's gone and I can't do anything. I wasn't there. I don't know if I'm in denial or some shit or if I've never had a pet die suddenly out of nowhere but it feels different than every other pet dying. I know she's gone but I feel different. Dying suddenly gave me no time to prepare unlike euthanizing them.
I don't know what to do, I talk to people about my anxiety, it doesn't help. I don't know what to do. People tell me to take time and relax and I feel like that's ALL I do. How the fuck do I relax if my body feels like I just shoved a whole bag of cocaine up my arse 24/6??
I should be on meds but like I said I'm a uncontrollable hypochondriac little bitch so I literally had a panic attack because I ran my face into a door accidentally and spent the rest of the day pondering if I have brain damage. Fuck my life I hate living. I can't take meds are you kidding me I'd have shit just from fear of taking them.
It's currently almost three in the morning and I just woke up from fucking sleeping again to magic of anxiety because my neighbors dogs are losing their shit again and I heard sirens and helicopters. Is it something bad? No, no it is not. I'm pretty sure the neighbors cats are up to shit again and the sirens are the pilots training because I live near where ever they train pilots( I don't know what the fuck its called) and they fly over out house basically all day
Nothing is wrong. Telling myself nothing is wrong has not stopped my bitch ass from having panic attacks. Fuck me I cannot stand myself I suck ass. Thank god I can't stand the taste of beer otherwise I'd have drunk myself to death by now, it be easy with my one kidney.
I am constantly upset, nothing makes me happy anymore. My friends are busy and have their own issues, like my best friend in the whole world is having medical issues and lost her job and she's depressed and I feel shitty and helpless because I can't help her. She's my best friend and I can't help her more than I can do anything for myself. She hasn't talking to anyone she's having so many issues and I feel helpless because I can't help her or do anything. I bet she feels as helpless as me(or even more so).
She's a amazing person and deserves better but I can't make depression and medical issues go away. I can't do anything to help. I don't think I've ever felt this helpless towards a friend before.
And I'm constantly worried about my father. There is nothing wrong with my father but for some reason every time I hear sirens I'm worrying someone shot him up or something even though his yard is hard as shit to break into and he sleeps with a shot gun. He's got like a 10ft tall fuckin fence with spikes on the top, and you wouldn't even knew anyone lives there(yard is over grown) and he has a huge ass shot gun but I am over here worried every night something happened. I KNOW rationally he has a high chance if anything ever happens of being OK, my dad is badass and is never scared of anything, but I worry. I worry about him more than me, but I don't know if that's cause I lost the care about my living or if its because I'm scared of losing people. I see those documentaries where the police roll up and tell you they found your parent dead and I worry that will be my dad one day. I can't stop thinking about that. I know it probably won't even happen given the low crime rate out here, his 10foot tall spikey fucking fence the loaded gun he sleeps with and his generally badassery but I can't stop thinking about it. worst of all there are helicopters and sirens ALL FUCKING DAY. Imagine having something that triggers you playing on repeat non stop. There is no fucking end to my anxiety. Sometimes I wish someone would just bust in and fuckin shoot me, at least then my fears would be validated and I could stop feeling like I lost my mind.
I'm such a fucking failure I can barely stand myself. I alternate between crying all day and not crying at all. I feel useless. I haven't even studied properly to get my GED because depression is fucking me up so bad.
Anyways sorry for the wait on commissions and replies, I'm trying to go through shit. You're not being ignored, I can barely motivate myself to breathe lately so if you get a late reply it isn't you and chances are I've seen it but I fell asleep in between anxiety attacks and whatever other shit.
Please forgive me I'm trying to finish shit, I'll post a massive WIP thing in a little bit like I usually do.(dunno if anyone ever sees them)
I'm sorry.
Or ever. Everyday feels like the same day.
Sorry for not replying to notes yet, I have to go through them (again) because some of them I am unsure if I even read and I may have replied the wrong WIPS to at least three different people, or haven't replied at all, or FA hasn't sent them.
I've got four or five(haven't checked, somewhere in this spectrum) commissions almost completed lines or partially lined. I somehow got it into my stupid fukin skull linearting a bunch of stuff would've made things faster then I could speed through them but then I discovered linearting somehow takes twice as long as coloring AND completing.
So that plan was like, a failure I guess.
Got two or three partially colored and ready for completion, I finished one tonight
I just discovered that my commission list is actually twice as long as I fricken thought
like I dunno I thought it was smaller then just noticed "oh shit I have a LOT of stuff to do". I didn't realize like a lot of time has gone by since a bunch of them was bought, I admit my depression makes every day the same day until I realize its nearly 2020 already and I've basically done nothing and I'm going to be fucking 20 years old this year. What a fucking waste of my existence. Should've given it to someone else, Jesus.
If I didn't have bills to pay and was currently unemployed Id have quit commissions on the shame of my management skills alone. God I suck and can't get my shit together.
I always feel like a little bitch admitting when I have issues because they always feel like excuses. I guess they are but some of them are shit I can't seem to change.
I feel mentally unwell lately, well I've felt mentally unwell for years now since I developed basically clinical hypochondriasis. It is uncontrollable and doesn't go away. I should really be on fucking meds. I don't like talking about it with generally anyone because I feel like as soon as people see hypochondriac they're gonna think "oh its over worrier again". There's I think being a over worrier and then there's the shit I have and it fucks you up. I know nothing is wrong with me but anxiety says I'm dying or some shit. Get a migraine? I'm probably having a stroke. See whit eye spots? Aneurysm or something. Heart pain from drinking nearly a gallon of Tea? probably gonna have a heart attack soon. I don't even know why I care, I've long since lost the desire to live so why do I still have medical panic attacks? Shouldn't I be welcoming the idea of dying at this point? I'm stuck between "wow I wish I was dead" and worrying I'm dying. It's like being scared of snakes but wanting it to bite you. eff me.
Has anyone here seen IT? I am literally that fucking kid with asthma who has panic attacks and asthma attacks every 15 minutes. That is me. I'm not fucking around that is literally me, I am that kid. I thought when I seen that it movies years ago it was a joke, no one can really be like that. I became the thing I feared.
Don't get me started on the fucking depression and anxiety and paranoia. I never feel safe. We had two peeps burst into our yard a few months ago(in fucking July I think) and while they had no weapons, infact I think they were running from the cops on fucking weed charges) and the cops caught them in under ten minutes I lost my shit and legit thought this is it, my entire family is going to fucking die. I'm gonna be those people on those crime documentaries where someone breaks in and murders the entire family.
Nothing happened but I lost my shit and ever since then I haven't felt ok. I am a little bitch. Nothing fucking happened but I have the trauma of someone who watched someone die in front of them because I'm a pussy and anxiety has fucked me up. I alternate between not sleeping for days on end to sleeping for two days straight. My life is literally sleep, don't sleep, have anxiety uncontrollably, sleep and vice versa. I don't draw for myself anymore, in fact if I didn't have commissions I'd not be drawing at all. Not that that makes me feel artistically better or anything but there you go. I drew like two fucking doodles I posted on DA and that was like the first thing I did in fucking forever fml. I drew like Pennywise or some shit I can't remember.
And new development! I'm fucking light sensitive. There are some things I can't watch anymore because they make me fucking dizzy. Great. I couldn't sit through certain portions of Incredibles 2 and I couldn't see the ending for IT chapter 2. Great limitations FML.
So yea I'm sorry I'm shitty at fucking everything, I can't do anything right. I thought I'd be on top of shit by now but it just feels like nothing ever changes, my anxiety gets better sometimes but then it doesn't. I try to ignore it and pretend its not there but nothing helps. I was doing ok-ish for a week or so maybe but our dog died as of three days ago from a violent out of nowhere seizure(she was old and had medical issues no one knew about despite like five vet trips. It was literally she's doing absolutely ok for a dog her age, oh her gums look pale lets take her to the vet, then she just died like that. In about 5 seconds.) so I've been doing even worse with the death of the dog we've had since I was like fucking 8 and I'm almost 20 now. She wasn't supposed to die this soon and out of nowhere. I wasn't there when she died because I didn't think she had anything seriously wrong with her. She was perfectly healthy then a sudden seizure and died within five seconds. I wasn't there and I should've been. I wanted to sleep because I was feeling shitty so I opted out of the vet trip where she died in the car after getting out of the office.
I wasn't there and now she's gone and I can't do anything. I wasn't there. I don't know if I'm in denial or some shit or if I've never had a pet die suddenly out of nowhere but it feels different than every other pet dying. I know she's gone but I feel different. Dying suddenly gave me no time to prepare unlike euthanizing them.
I don't know what to do, I talk to people about my anxiety, it doesn't help. I don't know what to do. People tell me to take time and relax and I feel like that's ALL I do. How the fuck do I relax if my body feels like I just shoved a whole bag of cocaine up my arse 24/6??
I should be on meds but like I said I'm a uncontrollable hypochondriac little bitch so I literally had a panic attack because I ran my face into a door accidentally and spent the rest of the day pondering if I have brain damage. Fuck my life I hate living. I can't take meds are you kidding me I'd have shit just from fear of taking them.
It's currently almost three in the morning and I just woke up from fucking sleeping again to magic of anxiety because my neighbors dogs are losing their shit again and I heard sirens and helicopters. Is it something bad? No, no it is not. I'm pretty sure the neighbors cats are up to shit again and the sirens are the pilots training because I live near where ever they train pilots( I don't know what the fuck its called) and they fly over out house basically all day
Nothing is wrong. Telling myself nothing is wrong has not stopped my bitch ass from having panic attacks. Fuck me I cannot stand myself I suck ass. Thank god I can't stand the taste of beer otherwise I'd have drunk myself to death by now, it be easy with my one kidney.
I am constantly upset, nothing makes me happy anymore. My friends are busy and have their own issues, like my best friend in the whole world is having medical issues and lost her job and she's depressed and I feel shitty and helpless because I can't help her. She's my best friend and I can't help her more than I can do anything for myself. She hasn't talking to anyone she's having so many issues and I feel helpless because I can't help her or do anything. I bet she feels as helpless as me(or even more so).
She's a amazing person and deserves better but I can't make depression and medical issues go away. I can't do anything to help. I don't think I've ever felt this helpless towards a friend before.
And I'm constantly worried about my father. There is nothing wrong with my father but for some reason every time I hear sirens I'm worrying someone shot him up or something even though his yard is hard as shit to break into and he sleeps with a shot gun. He's got like a 10ft tall fuckin fence with spikes on the top, and you wouldn't even knew anyone lives there(yard is over grown) and he has a huge ass shot gun but I am over here worried every night something happened. I KNOW rationally he has a high chance if anything ever happens of being OK, my dad is badass and is never scared of anything, but I worry. I worry about him more than me, but I don't know if that's cause I lost the care about my living or if its because I'm scared of losing people. I see those documentaries where the police roll up and tell you they found your parent dead and I worry that will be my dad one day. I can't stop thinking about that. I know it probably won't even happen given the low crime rate out here, his 10foot tall spikey fucking fence the loaded gun he sleeps with and his generally badassery but I can't stop thinking about it. worst of all there are helicopters and sirens ALL FUCKING DAY. Imagine having something that triggers you playing on repeat non stop. There is no fucking end to my anxiety. Sometimes I wish someone would just bust in and fuckin shoot me, at least then my fears would be validated and I could stop feeling like I lost my mind.
I'm such a fucking failure I can barely stand myself. I alternate between crying all day and not crying at all. I feel useless. I haven't even studied properly to get my GED because depression is fucking me up so bad.
Anyways sorry for the wait on commissions and replies, I'm trying to go through shit. You're not being ignored, I can barely motivate myself to breathe lately so if you get a late reply it isn't you and chances are I've seen it but I fell asleep in between anxiety attacks and whatever other shit.
Please forgive me I'm trying to finish shit, I'll post a massive WIP thing in a little bit like I usually do.(dunno if anyone ever sees them)
I'm sorry.
I wish I could help you somehow ;-; damn dude I'm sorry about your wrist that sucks horribly. Life does fucking suck
You worry far to much, and before you start to think I don't know what your dealing with, I have diagnosed PTSD, and social anxiety...
I know full well the struggle, there are a million things I could be afraid of every day but I refuse to be, grit my teeth and face it head on, I find what helps me more then anything else is to face what brings me anxiety, sure it's a hard thing to do but you will feel far better for it,
Let me tell you a bit of a story, I'm a fursuiter and public suit in my city fairly regularly now it's great fun, but the first time I was having anxiety attacks none stop it took me almost 2 hours to build up enough nerve to actually put the fursuit head and paws on and step out of my truck, just sat there in the parking lot for 2 hours half suited sweating bullets, it was so bad a few people actually thought I was there to rob the place lol, but it all ended well I finally got the spine and just did it, and it turned out to be a great decision and everyone there including myself had a great time, all of this was done at the advise of my psychiatrist, and things have been far better for it.
I would give the same advise to anyone, life is short and we all die one day, so why worry? Go out and do silly things have a good time, is it better to live in fear or die doing what you love?
I try not worrying, it's easier said than done :(
But I've felt better since this post.:) thank you for the advice though, glad you can enjoy fursuiting!
I've been considering a gun but I gotta get a license like you said and everything. I've been trying to worry less bout stuff since I posted this comments, my anxiety over sirens has generally gone away thankfully. We had a scare the other day because we couldn't get ahold of my dad, no one knew where he was and he was nearly an hour late; he'd lost his phone and was looking for it but I still almost had a stroke ahg.
I've been trying to do that, not dwell on the bad stuff in the future but I have moments of being weak ;-;
Thank you for the lovely comment, dusk*hug