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6 years ago
[INCOMING TRANSMISSION] :::
Hey folks, it's been a while since I tossed out a journal about where I am what I'm up to and such.
I'll start off by saying this might mostly be personal boring emotional stuff so if that's not your scene it's all good if you skip this ^w^;
First. Why the heck is it already almost October? This year has been going by mega fast and I can barely find time to catch up. It feels like I'm always super behind on everything. There's so much I wanted to do this year that I simply haven't been able to yet and it's like aaaa.
I'm gonna be honest, I'm a little lost.
I've come to terms with something important, and that's basically that I'm scared. I'm too scared to do anything, try anything, push myself more than I have been. I'm worried I'll be wasting money, or that I'll be wasting more time.
I'm scared of not getting better, I'm scared I might actually get better and there will be a bigger expectation of me. I'm scared I'll be constantly working, and I'm scared I won't have any work to do.
Fear sucks because it limits you from doing anything. But at the same time, I do at least know my goals for certain.
1. I want to finish paying off debt, I have taken on a fair bit helping out family and just generally from not getting paid much.
2. I want to push my lineless art more, there is something missing, it needs to be better.
3. I want to push myself as an artist in general, there is always more to learn and improve upon, and every commission I take I get really anxious about hoping it's okay.
4. I'd like to be making enough money to where I can live decently, so I don't have to stress over every single little transaction I have.
That third one is a doozy, because I know it's what is making me not push harder for more work. I'm aware of perfectionism and its downfalls and all the other little mental traps associated with it but it doesn't make it any easier to fix it!
But I am trying. And while I am trying, I am really appreciative of those cheering me on and supporting me. In the grand scheme of things, I haven't been "depressed" as much as I have been more ... anxious. I do not blame the world for my shortcomings, I do not blame others. While life around me hasn't been easy and isn't making things any easier, I am still keeping my head above water.
Hey put Banana in the comments, those who skimmed this over or didn't read will be so confused.
I mostly wanted to write this not just for my own sanity, but as a letter for those around me. I know my friends are concerned and I don't do a great job of hiding it. All in all, I am okay. I know there will be an end to these bad feelings some day, I will get there.
I will say in positives, I already do see much improvement with my work this year alone. I have been able to learn some new things about myself, most of them great and others I'm not so sure about yet. I am overall much more relaxed and have had a clearer (not perfect, just clearER) mind.
Overall, I am hoping my next update whatever span of time from now is far better than this one, but I thank you all for reading all the same.
I'll start off by saying this might mostly be personal boring emotional stuff so if that's not your scene it's all good if you skip this ^w^;
First. Why the heck is it already almost October? This year has been going by mega fast and I can barely find time to catch up. It feels like I'm always super behind on everything. There's so much I wanted to do this year that I simply haven't been able to yet and it's like aaaa.
I'm gonna be honest, I'm a little lost.
I've come to terms with something important, and that's basically that I'm scared. I'm too scared to do anything, try anything, push myself more than I have been. I'm worried I'll be wasting money, or that I'll be wasting more time.
I'm scared of not getting better, I'm scared I might actually get better and there will be a bigger expectation of me. I'm scared I'll be constantly working, and I'm scared I won't have any work to do.
Fear sucks because it limits you from doing anything. But at the same time, I do at least know my goals for certain.
1. I want to finish paying off debt, I have taken on a fair bit helping out family and just generally from not getting paid much.
2. I want to push my lineless art more, there is something missing, it needs to be better.
3. I want to push myself as an artist in general, there is always more to learn and improve upon, and every commission I take I get really anxious about hoping it's okay.
4. I'd like to be making enough money to where I can live decently, so I don't have to stress over every single little transaction I have.
That third one is a doozy, because I know it's what is making me not push harder for more work. I'm aware of perfectionism and its downfalls and all the other little mental traps associated with it but it doesn't make it any easier to fix it!
But I am trying. And while I am trying, I am really appreciative of those cheering me on and supporting me. In the grand scheme of things, I haven't been "depressed" as much as I have been more ... anxious. I do not blame the world for my shortcomings, I do not blame others. While life around me hasn't been easy and isn't making things any easier, I am still keeping my head above water.
Hey put Banana in the comments, those who skimmed this over or didn't read will be so confused.
I mostly wanted to write this not just for my own sanity, but as a letter for those around me. I know my friends are concerned and I don't do a great job of hiding it. All in all, I am okay. I know there will be an end to these bad feelings some day, I will get there.
I will say in positives, I already do see much improvement with my work this year alone. I have been able to learn some new things about myself, most of them great and others I'm not so sure about yet. I am overall much more relaxed and have had a clearer (not perfect, just clearER) mind.
Overall, I am hoping my next update whatever span of time from now is far better than this one, but I thank you all for reading all the same.
🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌
🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌
It's good to hear from ya, bud!
I hope to see more work from you in the future, and wanting to improve is always a good attitude to have. I know your stuff will continue to get better!