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weird feelings
6 years ago
General
Rogo te legere hic...
cw: mental illness, trauma discussion etc
on the surface, we are doing well financially and we are finally in a good apartment. damon and i can pay the bills! IT SHOULD BE AWESOME! ALL THE BASICS ARE BEING MET!
however, im dealing with 40 hours of constant yelling from customers at my job. it's only my kind co-workers that get me through the day. it wears on you being cursed out daily, told you're incompetent, and yelled at over the phone (and sometimes in person).
this alone would be fine but i went back to self harming 2 months ago due to intrusive thoughts. at the same time some other stuff happened in my mutual circle and i guess i never fully recovered. it was my fault though and i essentially learned im not in the place to be a friend with really anyone in the fandom. a
speaking of the fandom, i am also more reclusive due to fear about people hitting on my sonas. listen folks: i can guarantee you that what may seem flattering just makes me feel more distant from my sona and makes me wanna treat them as separate people rather than who i really am. im not even really even sure about my gender identity anymore so its just creating this weird dissociative relationship with my sonas. this isnt here as much as on my husband's posts but it still creeps me out. i feel like my relationship to the furry community is vastly different now than what i ever wanted it to be. im not your big sexy round lovely ladyfur. thats for damon alone (and even he gets that i am more than that). it's not me and i wont primarily produce that content. if like my burr or kami, your compliments are appreciated but please keep it clean and not creepy
more specifically on the mental health, my thoughts are becoming harder to keep track of and im very distractable. i could barely write this journal in a concise manner. i know im getting bad again and it pisses me off because my meds which were great just suddenly stopped working (IDK how that works but it sucks eggs).
i wish therapy and healthcare wasnt so expensive because while we have more money, therapy ain't cheap. im hoping that my upcoming psychiatry appointment helps. i hope something is identified. because at least some good meds would help. because in my mind i dont think i have trauma so bad that my mind is this funky. people have gone through worse and coped better.
but what sucks the most??? is I have started noticing that my loved ine6s6 feels farther and farther away. it's like im watching them through a gossamer veil and i am not really interacting with them. that's scary as hell. what even is that?
bleh
on the surface, we are doing well financially and we are finally in a good apartment. damon and i can pay the bills! IT SHOULD BE AWESOME! ALL THE BASICS ARE BEING MET!
however, im dealing with 40 hours of constant yelling from customers at my job. it's only my kind co-workers that get me through the day. it wears on you being cursed out daily, told you're incompetent, and yelled at over the phone (and sometimes in person).
this alone would be fine but i went back to self harming 2 months ago due to intrusive thoughts. at the same time some other stuff happened in my mutual circle and i guess i never fully recovered. it was my fault though and i essentially learned im not in the place to be a friend with really anyone in the fandom. a
speaking of the fandom, i am also more reclusive due to fear about people hitting on my sonas. listen folks: i can guarantee you that what may seem flattering just makes me feel more distant from my sona and makes me wanna treat them as separate people rather than who i really am. im not even really even sure about my gender identity anymore so its just creating this weird dissociative relationship with my sonas. this isnt here as much as on my husband's posts but it still creeps me out. i feel like my relationship to the furry community is vastly different now than what i ever wanted it to be. im not your big sexy round lovely ladyfur. thats for damon alone (and even he gets that i am more than that). it's not me and i wont primarily produce that content. if like my burr or kami, your compliments are appreciated but please keep it clean and not creepy
more specifically on the mental health, my thoughts are becoming harder to keep track of and im very distractable. i could barely write this journal in a concise manner. i know im getting bad again and it pisses me off because my meds which were great just suddenly stopped working (IDK how that works but it sucks eggs).
i wish therapy and healthcare wasnt so expensive because while we have more money, therapy ain't cheap. im hoping that my upcoming psychiatry appointment helps. i hope something is identified. because at least some good meds would help. because in my mind i dont think i have trauma so bad that my mind is this funky. people have gone through worse and coped better.
but what sucks the most??? is I have started noticing that my loved ine6s6 feels farther and farther away. it's like im watching them through a gossamer veil and i am not really interacting with them. that's scary as hell. what even is that?
bleh
Anywho, I'll always be right here next to you darling, through thick and thin. Remember that