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Trials and Tribulations: Self Loathing and Faulty Wiring
6 years ago
General
It doesn't take a genius to know at least a small portion of how messed up I am inside my head. So with that, let's get started.
Self image hasn't been my best friend, and even now I'm only semi-okay with myself. There are a lot of issues, fears, doubts that are just a constant in my head. I'm fighting a war and have no idea what the outcome is.
The physical things I hate about myself are so minuscule, but it means the world to me, and I'm liable to think it's because of my upbringing. More often times than not, my own mother would call me ugly, pointing out little things, whether it was what I wore or if there was a pimple on my face. The only way I could impress her is if she dressed me herself. There have been times in my life where she had denied what meant the most to me because she was so prideful and materialistic.
I'd get bullied at school, for the first 3 years, having guys look at me with disgusted faces (seen with my own eyes). So here's a list of things I don't like:
-My face
-My hair
-My eyes
And that's again only the physical characteristics, you don't even need to know the full laundry list of things that are wrong with me. Yet at the same time, I know a lot of it, because I've taken time for me, tore apart my heart and mind and tried to make sense of it.
I'm far from perfect, I'm weak, pathetic, and care too much about what other people think because I've never had that validation growing up. Now my mind is skewed and it's so difficult genuinely believing any compliment or why anyone would be kind to me. I get scared. I think it's pity, I think that they just don't want to hurt my feelings, but they think terrible things.
I've been burned before.
More than once.
Third Degree paints my body, along with all the scars.
But those burn wounds, those scars, they may look nasty, but they don't define me. I have victim mentality because of the shit I endured, but I'm no victim.
I'll prove my worth.
I'll be better.
And fuck anyone who's ever thought ill of me.
Cause I'm gonna prove them wrong.
I just need a little bit of time...
Self image hasn't been my best friend, and even now I'm only semi-okay with myself. There are a lot of issues, fears, doubts that are just a constant in my head. I'm fighting a war and have no idea what the outcome is.
The physical things I hate about myself are so minuscule, but it means the world to me, and I'm liable to think it's because of my upbringing. More often times than not, my own mother would call me ugly, pointing out little things, whether it was what I wore or if there was a pimple on my face. The only way I could impress her is if she dressed me herself. There have been times in my life where she had denied what meant the most to me because she was so prideful and materialistic.
I'd get bullied at school, for the first 3 years, having guys look at me with disgusted faces (seen with my own eyes). So here's a list of things I don't like:
-My face
-My hair
-My eyes
And that's again only the physical characteristics, you don't even need to know the full laundry list of things that are wrong with me. Yet at the same time, I know a lot of it, because I've taken time for me, tore apart my heart and mind and tried to make sense of it.
I'm far from perfect, I'm weak, pathetic, and care too much about what other people think because I've never had that validation growing up. Now my mind is skewed and it's so difficult genuinely believing any compliment or why anyone would be kind to me. I get scared. I think it's pity, I think that they just don't want to hurt my feelings, but they think terrible things.
I've been burned before.
More than once.
Third Degree paints my body, along with all the scars.
But those burn wounds, those scars, they may look nasty, but they don't define me. I have victim mentality because of the shit I endured, but I'm no victim.
I'll prove my worth.
I'll be better.
And fuck anyone who's ever thought ill of me.
Cause I'm gonna prove them wrong.
I just need a little bit of time...
