Inspired by an old friend talking about their own life, I've decided I should probably take a step back and evaluate where I'm at. I'm at a really strange place in my life right now, and to be quite frank, I'm not sure what to do about it. This post will also go to prove that no, I am not dead- if you want to count a shambling corpse as alive, I suppose.

Life
So, as of late I've been very... anxious. This entire year started with my car's water pump breaking, followed by me having to get a few parts of my transmission replaced. Due to some error on the car shop's part, my car then began to leak transmission fluid constantly- something I took quite seriously. This might not have been so bad, if it weren't for the fact that I'd take it back in, get it worked on once more (on warranty, of course), be told it's fixed... only to have more fluid in my parking spot a couple of days later.

This went on for six months. My anxious mind has locked onto this and formed something not too dissimilar from OCD- simply looking at my car now causes my gut to sink. I fixed the problem maybe two or three months ago now, and I still go out and look under the car to make sure it's still ok. THIS is because I rely on that car for basically everything- if I don't have a functioning car, I can't get to work- if I can't get to work, I'll get fired. No job: no money, no insurance. So... you can imagine several months of this paranoia have worn down hard on my mind. x-x Not to mention more recent problems involving engine misfiring and... point is, I don't get out of my apartment much these days. If it's not within walking distance, I probably don't do it. I don't drive unless I absolutely have to- which, mind you, is great on the wallet and gas mileage, but terrible for basically everything else. So that's PROBABLY been my biggest source of stress and anxiety, as of late.

That seems like a lot, but I felt it necessary to go over. As for my life otherwise, I kind of just feel... trapped, where I am? I'm stuck in this apartment, with pretty much all family I was close to having wisely left the state. I've only really got one close friend I keep in good contact with, but they live in the midst of St. Louis so I don't go out to see them often.

And don't even get me started on my job. I work at an Amazon warehouse- if you've ever read about them, you might know how awful they are. I've been there for over two years now, and honestly I can say I've grown pretty OK with the job itself, it's all the other bullshit that goes along with it that gets on my nerves. And right now, they're starting a bunch of different renovation projects to try to make the warehouse better, and each and every one is just making things worse. It's a proper dumpster fire that I have absolutely no desire to go to, but yet I must if I want to keep paying rent and surviving. x-x

Animating
The only bright side of things is that my online work in animating has been going VERY well, as of late. New patrons have helped me out a TON, I've got WAY more support there than I ever thought I would- and my animations themselves are coming out fantastic, when I can muster up the energy to actually work on them. I still want to get back into regular streaming on my weekends, at some point- but the problem is that with the quality I desire comes the energy I have to burn to do so. Making sure animations look nice is one thing, but I work with interactive animations- which means that not only do I need to make them look nice, but I also need to come up with fun, interesting ideas. I don't know- for me, making things interesting and interactive are very important, so I tend to get bummed out when good ideas stop flowing to me. Top that with the fact that I frequently run out of steam on projects and move onto other things before I finish them and it leaves me in a weird spot where I'm proud of my work, but tend to never quite finish things.

I mean, I wanted to really change things up and make an impressive product with I8U and Helix- but that ended up running into the ground when it just became too much work to keep everything in line. The Ftr engine is not great for incredibly complicated ideas, and really not cut out at all for the kind of bossfighting I was wanting to go for. So I decided to switch it over to something more in-line with my vorish interests: a fun, friendly endo game about a deer and her voracious friends. But character interaction is difficult, and honestly I ran out of steam on THAT even faster. So I'm left in a rut, wanting to work towards some grand goal- but not sure WHAT. I'm thinking about maybe just making Panftr 2 at this point. Until I decide on something, I'm just going to keep working on "smaller" side projects for barbftr. Lord knows if I'll ever actually finish any of those, though.

Where I'm Going, What I'm Doing
To be honest? I have no idea where I'm going, or what I'm doing at this point. I'm just kind of existing, keeping up with friends, animating here and there - I had thought that finishing up college and getting a degree would open so many doors, but it's been almost three years now and I still have no idea what's happening. I'm always afraid of all the what-ifs, and if I'm not in immediate danger, I seem to prefer not thinking about it. But I've been sitting in this room for years now, working at the same computer station, going to the same job, paying way too much in rent... and to be honest? I'm in need of a change. Whatever I set out to find, it's not here anymore. The solitude of being alone was nice for a while, but now I'm starting to feel the walls closing in around me. I need help, but don't know where to look and I don't think it can be found online.

I just need... change, all across the board, I suppose.

Anyway, if you read through all of this, well done. If you only read the parts about the animating stuff, slightly well done, I guess.
In the end, I'm doing the best I can with what I've got, and I'll probably be fine. But if events outside my control hit, well... I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I'll figure something out.

Thanks for your time!
-Alsnapz