Hello my wonderful subjects! First off I hope your'e having a wonderful day! This Journal is to explain my "Disappearance" and and my return to self.

People who know me personally know that I have weakness for helping people. Sometimes even conforming to their needs as see fit. As much as I want to not put myself in those situations, I seem to gravitate to them. But hey maybe that's my purpose in life. If it is, I should probably find a way to not screw with myself first XD

Anyway, lets start where I was and where I kind of want to return to. In high school after many trial and error attempts to find who I am and identify as, I finally put myself into the "gender fluid" category as I am pretty happy with my body being male, however I love wearing either gender's clothing, leaning to female on most days. I'd wear leather heels, tight skinny jeans, and usually a men's graphic t shirt (usually dorky in some way) because thats what I liked lol. Honestly it was a cute outfit choice and looked pretty good on me.

After a year of being out of school and dressing a bit more "conservatively" for work reasons, my sister came out to me she was Transgender MtF. I was her rock and she confided in me. Sooooooo that night I made an independent decision to help her feel like she could be herself. I decided to stop expressing my feminine side for as long as I could that way she could be her own person and there wasn't any way I'd be stepping on her toes. I bought her clothes that would fit her in secrecy, as I was working and she was still in school. She also didn't want to tell our parents yet because they can be a bit...explosive? Not in a bad way, just they can take something toooooo far sometimes.
So I helped my sister flourish into the person she wanted to be as I stepped back for now. She eventually told our parents and they reacted the way we thought. So now I was not just acting male for my sister but for them too as now their "last son" who could "carry the name on." But thats another can of worms. I don't blame my sister or even my parents that was my choice to change for them.

So the side effects showed up quickly. Increased stress, lethargy, and some weight gain. Even if I wanted to go back to my old life I couldn't. I had grown out of my clothes and it became a downward spiral then. I would need new clothes, force myself to get the mens baggy bullshit, feel worse, gain weight, need new clothes...
Soon I wasnt enjoying anything. Not hobbies, not friends, not even art. So that explains the lack of content here.

Then I got back to my Ferzu where I roleplay a lot as Nik. I was being the person I wanted to be again. And so I became a bit better, just enough to get my feminine personality back.

While shopping one day, I decide to try on skinny jeans again. Just to find out my size I said. Just an experiment.
When I put them on, and they fit, and I saw myself back in the mirror, thats when I knew I needed to stop pretending.
Now Im on the road again to being Me.

Thank you for reading this god awful post and its absolute wreck of the english language XD

TLDR
Dont change yourself even if you think it may help others. You are important too so you need to keep yourself in mind. You cant help others if you cant help yourself

Stay pink and puffy dolls!