Content Warning: Suicide and Self-Harm

As some of you may know, the last 6 months of my life have centered around my efforts to leave my current employer: a facility that is both openly discriminatory and horribly managed. A month ago I returned here with the good news that I had not only been hired in my field but hired by my country's government, the highest level of employer in my field. So began an exciting whirlwind month of interviews and check-ups and paperwork that was supposed to end in mid November. Some of the paperwork required my current employer's attestation and it drove a rift between us. I went from a forgettable mid-level staffer to a 'quitter'. I had to use my union rep constantly to prevent harassment.

Yesterday afternoon, I was called and informed that the 'definition of the position' has changed and despite having nearly a decade of experience, they simply no longer can use someone with my credentials anymore. I accepted their apologies and realized that over the course of the phone call I had gripped the hair on my head so tightly it had come out in a clump. I spent the rest of the time between here and there pacing the roads near my home. I scratched at my arms furiously until they bled. I debated means to kill myself but proved to be a coward. I simply no longer have any capacity to go on. All the harassment and difficulty was made tolerable by knowing I was leaving. My family was proud of me for getting into the government service. My family's gifts: nice leather folders and a new suitcase, are now sitting, fresh and bagged by the garbage.

I don't know when I'll be back. I don't know if I'll be back. But there's nothing left in me to draw. I'm going home to where it all began.
Lex